So everyone knows that I am retarded when it comes to identifying my own emotions, but I realised something last night...(oh by the way sorry for ditching you guys again lol)
This feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach since Nationals...I thought was nervousness because, chh that would make sense, but then...it didn't make sense because it felt so different from the times I KNEW that I was nervous...this feeling was more like a soaring sensation...
So I was hanging out with some of my fencing friends last night and one of them said something really funny and I just laughed, a genuine, uninhibited, hearty laugh...it was awesome! and I realised that the feeling I've had was happiness, complete contentment, joy...
Life Is Good :D
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Fine, you were right...again...
I stand firmly by my statement of being the biggest coward I've ever met...
I recently got back from California for Summer Nationals for fencing and...it was so...surreal. I mean, it's like it never happened. I sit here at the computer blogging, just like I did before I left...it's kind of sad really, I just went back to my old life, nothing has changed, but did I except something to change? okay okay, yes ALOT changed, but I still feel so...detached from everything y'know?
It's like I'm watching my life rather than living it. Like it's a movie and I'm just a spectator with a bag of popcorn and a 46 ounce Coca Cola...but I don't WANT to feel this way, I want to FEEL like I'm living. I miss that feeling. I read other people's blogs and they are like, "go out and live life to the fullest." "Don't take anything for granted." "Live every minute like it was your last." "Always tell people that you love them." yadda yadda yadda...and I've tried, but I don't feel like I've succeeded because it seems no matter how hard I try I'm still floating. floating (and I'm not talking about the after effects of nyquil) from experience to experience and not learning anything because I can't FEEL anything...
At Nationals I got to feel again, and it was the most liberating experience of my life. To feel fear, joy, sadness, anger, love, frustration. To go from jubilant, and care free one minute, to being disapointed and flustered the next...it was beautiful...
I just wish (there's that word again) I could FEEL more often...
I recently got back from California for Summer Nationals for fencing and...it was so...surreal. I mean, it's like it never happened. I sit here at the computer blogging, just like I did before I left...it's kind of sad really, I just went back to my old life, nothing has changed, but did I except something to change? okay okay, yes ALOT changed, but I still feel so...detached from everything y'know?
It's like I'm watching my life rather than living it. Like it's a movie and I'm just a spectator with a bag of popcorn and a 46 ounce Coca Cola...but I don't WANT to feel this way, I want to FEEL like I'm living. I miss that feeling. I read other people's blogs and they are like, "go out and live life to the fullest." "Don't take anything for granted." "Live every minute like it was your last." "Always tell people that you love them." yadda yadda yadda...and I've tried, but I don't feel like I've succeeded because it seems no matter how hard I try I'm still floating. floating (and I'm not talking about the after effects of nyquil) from experience to experience and not learning anything because I can't FEEL anything...
At Nationals I got to feel again, and it was the most liberating experience of my life. To feel fear, joy, sadness, anger, love, frustration. To go from jubilant, and care free one minute, to being disapointed and flustered the next...it was beautiful...
I just wish (there's that word again) I could FEEL more often...
Monday, July 11, 2005
And we have a winner...
Looooong story short...after much deliberation guy2 has emerged the victor...:D
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