Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's Raining Again...

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No one is perfect.
Not even her or her,
or her, or Her.



Is Something I'm not.
Is Something you want.
Is Something I can't give.



Is what you have.
Is what you need...
You'll Never be Satisfied


Is Perfect...

Will you ever See?

Should I Dare to Hope?

Saturday, March 25, 2006

What is wrong with...

I feel angry...very very angry.

I know what's wrong with the source of my anger is of my own creation.

I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm so dumb.

I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy. No matter how ardently I believe the contrary to this statement I can convince myself that I deserve to be happy, so why can't others?

What is it? (why can't I seem to finish a train of thought?)

You'll never know the
chances you missed out on
because you were too
busy shredding your wings

I'm jealous. The little green monster is eating me up inside. Everytime I look at her I realise how meager I am in comparison, in every aspect. Talent, Kindness, Ethics, Patience, Beauty, Eloquence...

I'm jealous. There is no longer a smile in his eyes when he sees me. There's always one ready when she enters the room. She's beautiful. I'm such a pessimist.

But no one will be able to satisfy you, or fill your need to be loved, accepted, and treasured because you are too busy shredding your wings.

I was never this way before. I've never been this far off on anything until now. I've never had a problem speaking up or stating my mind. My convictions have left me. My head and my heart have never been this conflicted before, and it's drving me insane.

Follow Your Gut. Shut Up and Live. If There's Any Doubt, There's Only Doubt.

My life, it seems, is filled with nothing but empty words and promises made and broken by the ones I tell me.

What's the point of love?

"Love is the only thing that is truly chaotic"

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Clean Slate

I need to clear something up.

My blog is my sanity.

Here's where I come to vent my frustrations and angsty teenage...well, angst. It's where I come to rant, rave, and/or ramble about matters that are trivial or sometimes important. Everything I say on this blog should be taken with a grain of salt.

I've learned that if I write them down I have less of a chance of burdening myself with these thoughts and having them impact my social and family life.

so mama...Stop freaking out, or stop reading my blog. I love you.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Tumbling Short of My Dreams...

"As I went over to say goodbye I saw that the expression of bewilderment had come back into Gatsby's face, as though a faint doubt had occurred to him as to the quality of his present happiness. Almost five years! There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams--not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything.He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."

I've tumbled short of my dreams...many many times over. And it sucks. Because now I find myself getting hurt, and now I'm asking myself if I did it on purpose. Did I really, actually and truly expect things to be any different? Or did I just want to feel that pain of being abandoned? The truth of the answer hurts more than I thought it would...

I knew that pushing people away wasn't a smart thing to do and that I would only make enemies, and I still did it.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that I was probably going to get hurt, and I still did it.

I knew that I shouldn't have shared my secret with everyone, and I still did it.

I knew I shouldn't have given you a second chance, or a third, but no matter how many times I convince myself you aren't worth find some way to break through my barrier. I don't trust myself around you anymore because the more I'm around you the more I care...

I know that I shouldn't post this blog...but I'm doing it anyway.

What makes me sick is I wanted for it to happen...I put up these walls just to see if someone would care enough to break them down...I decided to not trust people to see if people would try and earn my trust. I never needed these precautions. I really didn't. But now I'm stuck in this pattern because It's the only thing I know how to do. I only know how to be a hypocrite. I only know how to manipulate... I make myself sick.

I've lied to everyone I know, just to sabatoge my own happiness... I've become someone and something I am not just to get a more heart felt response from those around me. I didn't mean for everything to get so out of hand, but it happened. I've "decked it out with every bright feather that drifted my way." I lied to the people I should care about the most, I've convinced everyone that I'm somebody else, and I've convinced myself that I'm something that I'm not.

In all honesty I'm not worth wasting time on.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Shut Up and Live

They sat laughing at each other, but once their laughter died down their gaze turned to a more serious one. He looked at her with an intensity that made her heart skip a beat. She felt herself blush and looked away. He cleared his throat and asked her if she was ready to leave.

Once they were at her house, their eyes met again. They stood still holding their eye contact for what seemed like forever until he finally moved closer to her. She took a step forward and he slowly lowered his head. She could feel his soft lips capture hers as their lips met in a gentle kiss. She slowly pulled back but he remained where he was. He swallowed the lump in his throat and straightened back up.

“Goodnight,” he said in a hazy voice, turning to walk down her steps...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

...The Hell...?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Because you are a bitch who screws people over and tells people lies about them so they wont win something, and your a fake. one who walks around and acts like everything you do is right how do you sleep with yourself at night! i cant believe your telling people not to vote for other people. oh wait but thats how you win isnt it. thats how you became president of the thespians by telling everyone that your the people you were running up against were manipulative, well honey look in the mirror, i hope your satisfied with yourself, because i sure wouldnt look up to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and everyone who isnt in your little circle hates you and they know the real game you play

This wasn't me...and now I'm angry because people think it was me.

I would have hoped that at least one of you would know that I would never have been cowardly enough to post something this insanely tactless. I wouldn't do this to a friend ever

Tasha, I love, and respect you. You really are one of the best friends I have ever had, you're a good person and you've always been there for me. You are doing a great job on presidency. You know that if I had a problem with something you were doing I would have spoken with you to your face. I'm not cowardly enough to hide behind an annonymous comment. Plus...look at the effing vernacular and grammar. I mean...COME ON. I'm more eloquent than that!

once again I Love You and if people aren't going to respect you and are going to be jack asses. fuck them man. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. fuck them.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I'll Never Be You...

You are the one everyone wants to be
I am the one they say, "I'm glad that's not me."
When I go to sleep, I dream about you
When you go to sleep, I bet you dream about you, too

Your life is filled with good times and cool clothes
My life stands still, just watching where your life goes
God please, let me live in your world for one week
This life all yours, and it's a tease for those like me...

And it's a tease for those like me...

Sometimes I picture myself beating you up
I see myself slamming your head off the ground
And you beg and you plead and you cry constantly
I'll make you say that I'm the best and make you say you wish you were me

And then, in your mind, I see me f***ing your girl
Your cool car is now mine and so is your popular world
All your friends, they love me, and love that I HATE YOU
I'm like superhero, God that a** motherf***er red, white and blue

You don't know me, but I know you
It's a real love hate thing; I love to hate you
I get so frustrated...but tell me, just what can I do?

I'll never be you (So true) [x4]

I'll never be you
I'll never be you
No, I'll never be you
I'll never be you
I'll never be you
No, I'll never be you
I'll never be
Never be Y-O-U

I wanna never be…
I will never never be...
You you you you you…

I wanna be [x4]

I want to be you

But alas, this song past, my daydream fades to black
Boring me, hopelessly, wishing that you’d be attacked
And raped by demented monkeys with huge c***s
And painted green like a jellybean
Made a trampoline and a toxic swamp
You’re so smug, and so fake with your laugh and your click
I want to be you so bad it makes me so f***ing sick

But you suck, and you stink, and you’re soulless and mean
I wanna be in your fake, smug world
We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean

We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean
You and me hanging down at the Coffee Bean

I will never be
Never, never be
I know I’ll never
No, I’ll never
I know
No I’ll never be you and that f***ing pisses me off

I hate you, I hate you but I really, really want to be you


-Dane Cook

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Words Left Unspoken.

Girl: I don't know how tell you how I feel. You know how I feel.

Boy: What do you mean?

Girl: Don't play dumb. You know what I mean.

Boy: Obviously not, or else I wouldn't be asking.

Girl: You know how I feel about you. And you're just screwing with my head! You know what you do to me. I can't think when you touch me...I can't think when I look into your eyes...I just want you to be happy. I want to be the one who makes you happy, but you won't let yourself be happy. Why?


You don't even know.

Boy: I don't deserve to be happy.

Girl: Bullshit. Everyone deserves to be happy...It's me isn't it.

Boy: No.

Girl: Then what! What?

Boy: I've become aware of my own inadequacies...I'm not ready for....this. Whatever this is. This 'not relationship.'

Girl: No. I'm not going to accept that.

Boy: Why?

Girl: You seemed awfully damn happy with --her. Even when it ended with her you still wanted her to take you back...You were obviously ready for her. Remember what you told me?

Boy: What?

Girl: ...'Let's face it. You just got out of a relationship because you weren't ready for THAT kind of relationship. I still like her and moreover am looking for THAT kind of relationship...I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Again, silence

The second time you said it was because you didn't have the emotionally maturity to handle THAT kind of relationship. You've contradicted yourself...You're a hypocrite.

Boy: So are you.

Girl: But I didn't hurt you! I've never made promises that I wasn't going to keep. I never told you that I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you...God! We don't even know if we are going to see each other in a year! Five years from now 'we' could be a distant memory in the back of your mind. You can't just lead me on like this...You can't keep making promises like that when you don't even know what you want....just at least know that I love you, and you do deserve to be happy.

...I'm quickly learning there's a fine line between love and hate...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Little White Room In My Mind...

I have this mental image I keep coming back to...

I'm sitting in a little white room in my doors. But the Room is still bright regardless.

It's a peaceful Room...Silent...Full of Questions, it's a place where I can ponder the meaning of my existance. It's a room full of Love, and Acceptance.

...I'm sitting in the corner...


Sunday, March 05, 2006

Just another Regret...

Let me explain something...

There are two categories I stick new Human Beings into: People and Persons. When I first meet somebody they are a People. Everyone is People to me. I don't trust People, Because People aren't trustworthy. They are Flawed and Corrupt.

What do you want me to say...?

Then, there are Persons. Persons are People who have proven to me that they deserve my Trust, and are then promoted from People to Persons. Don't get me wrong I like People, People are awesome. Just not...trustworthy.

'I'm sorry...' What am I supposed to say to that...?

Trust, is very important to me. To me, It doesn't just mean the firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. It means I will always be there for you. It means that since you have proven yourself, you will always have my friendship and loyalty for the rest of your life, even if we never see eachother again, I will always consider you a friend.

You said that I was bad at hiding my emotions...feelings...

Since, I am so fiercly loyal to Persons, when Persons violate my Trust...It's crushing. The most painful part of it is that it forces me to put up a wall between me and that Person. And that Person is no longer a Person, they become a People.

Would you have me hate you? You've already given up on our friendship, so why shouldn't I...?

When I have to do that to someone, when I have to take back my trust, faith, loyalty, and friendship from someone who was once close to me...I'm thrown into confusion.

...It's the only way I can think of to hide how I just give up, and give in...

What should I do? How should I treat that per...People...He's a People now. I have to keep reminding myself.

'You're friendship means a lot to me'...that was obviously a lie.

I want to feel apathetic about this. I really do, but it's too hard when I have so much emotionally vested...When I once thought that I loved you...Things were okay once, right? Right when it ended it seemed like you really cared, like you still wanted me to be your friend.

You left me when I needed someone the most...You left. You never explained why. Once again you leave me feeling abandoned and used. No matter how many times you told me that you cared or that you never used did. But I don't blame you. I told you once that I could never hate you...

When did things change? When did we both decide to just give up?

looks like I lied too...

Friday, March 03, 2006

...Where My Journey Started...

I've been sitting here looking at the conversation box for five minutes trying to think of something to say...without sounding pathetic...or angry...or bitchy...and when I finally worked up the courage to tell you signed off.

I hate technology