I know that hate is a strong word but....

I was at Walmart this morning and I ran into my step mother...

I was shocked to realise how much I hate her. When I saw her, my emotiions went from surprise to loathing within almost a fraction of a second, and it really socked me, I hate her so much all of the pain she has caused my family, every single bad memory of her I've ever had sprang unbidden to my mind and the strongest feeling of hate, and rage...words really can't express the exact degree of detestation I felt well up inside of me when I saw this woman. I didn't know I was capable of having so much anger directed at one person, especially since it's been almost two years since I last saw her and...my little brother.

I know that I don't know a lot about my dad, I know that I will never understand why he did some of the things he did, like Marrying Sherie, because I wasn't old enough to have known him for long before he died, and the memories I do have of him are so vague...and only a select few are untarnished by time. But what I do know of him was that he was a good man, a good man that had problems. When my parents got a divorce it began amiably, they still had a salvagable friendship, but then he marrid Sherie and...being the manipulative witch she was...she was able to control my dad...she felt like my dad's love was a trophy that you had to win, it became a sick game she played with not only my mother, but with me and my brtohers and sisters, he couldn't love my mother in anyway anymore, not even as a friend, because he had to love her unconditionally and he couldn't love his children anymore because she was more important, it was never "You have to love Nathan more," no it was, "You have to love ME more"

Sherie has kept me and my family from seeing our only little brother for the longest time, the only times that we get to see him is when members of the Svensson family come to visit, and she wants to keep up a good front for them, like "Oh we have a good relationship even though I'm the reason Pam's kids no longer have a dad, I refuse to let my son have any kind of relationship with his only brothers and sisters, and oh, I forgot, I contributed to the reason why Sven commit suicide but I really don't give a flying fuck, because I'm a cold, selfish, BITCH!" She treats Nathan like he's a little boy, whenever she goes out he has to have a baby sitter, he has to be in bed by 9 o'clock, and he can't have friends over at all unless it's a special occasion...HE'S 13 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Each time I see her I think, "You are the reason I have no Daddy, you are the cause of all this pain in my life and in the lives of those I love, you are the reason I will never know what it's like to have a whole family...You are the reason I have no Daddy...and, for that, I can never forgive you."

you know this is entirely appropriate...

yeeeahhh I'm cat woman....and...I played a cat....lord I hope Sousa doesn't see this.

You Are Catwoman "Life's a bitch. Now so am I." What Superheroine Are You?

I am 46% Evil Genius.

I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.

Take the
Evil Genius Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 46% Evil Genius.

I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.

woohoo!

blahblahblahaaahh black sheep...

okay so my title has nothing to do with my actual blog....well the first part did, then it reminded me of bah bah black sheep...and that's when everything fell apart. okay so the noise...it was brought upon by my currently sticky situation...I shouldn't even be making a blog about this, because it's just going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I'm about to go insane if I don't write it down somewhere, and nobody ever reads my blog, so it'a all good....

okay, since basically anyone who is going to read this already knows who these guys are...I'm still going to give them names...guy1, and guy2.

okay so everyone who knows me well knows that I have had this thing on and off for guy1 for a while now, and I think that he's beginning to like me back, which is good because I've liked him for so long...now this is where guy2 gets involved, I like guy2...alot (but I like guy1 more) and well he's being more....blatant about his feelings toward me than guy1...what it comes down to is this; I won't try anything with guy2 if I know I have a chance with guy1, but I don't KNOW if I have a chance with guy1, I just THINK that I might, and I don't KNOW if guy1 is going to get his butt in gear and just DO something about his feelings toward me (if he has any)because he knows that I like him, or if he's going to just stick with droolng over what he can't get. In the mean time I don't want to lead guy2 into believing there might be a chance for something between us, but if guy1 doesn't do anything, he's going to lose his chance because I'm jsut going to give up on him and go for guy2.....!

wow...writing that down really helped...

Okay so I was checking my email today aaaaannnddd...

One of my friends sent me this lame ass forward that just ticked me off. I read it and was like, "oh fu bi! whoever sent this is a whoe bag! go da!"

"You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say "IN GOD WE TRUST," The law, they say, is being violated. Anyway, I heard proposed on a radio station show, that we
all write "IN GOD WE TRUST" on the back of all our mail. After all, that is our national motto, and it's on all the money we use to buy those stamps. I think it is a wonderful idea. We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed. If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping "IN GOD WE TRUST" on our envelopes sounds like a great idea to me. It has been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance. Could it be that WE just need to take some action and tell those 14% to "sit down and shut up"? If you agree, pass this on, if not delete."

....AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! what the HELL!?!? Why can't people just get in into their think heads that just because a few petty people who feel the need to raise all hell over a few words in our Pledge of Allegiance and our money, doesn't mean that the rest of us have to be petty in return! I mean so what! some Atheists are crapping some cows over the word "God" appearing in a federal office! who cares!? I sure as hell don't, and if I did I wouldn't be spreading this kind of email around!

And to all you people who send this kind of stuff I only have one thing to say to you...By sending these emails our you are failing to rouse national patriotism. It only causes rifts to get wider and split between groups of people (ie. religous and non-religious people) so please stop sending them...cause you're only going to piss me off more.

I now know the identity of my Arch Nemisis...

her name....ADELIA LOOMIS....aka that bitch

So....I had this HUUUUGE fencing tournament today in Provo Utah and I kicked so much ass. I walked away with a new D National Ranking and a shiny shiny GOOOLLDD MEDAL in the Women's 14-20 tournament WOOHOO! and man was this tournament big. Fencers from all over the state of Utah were there including parts of Colorado and Idaho and they were all felled by my blade! MWAHHAHA!...

Annywho....so this Adelia girl right? well she had an E rating (which is one below a D) and she was the second person I had to fence in the elimination rounds after the pools (I lost royaly to her in the pools, but since I beat everyone else I advanced to elimination rounds anway) so I went to hook up to the left side of the fencing strip because I'm left handed and it's easier to see...if none of this makes sense just humor me okay? okay...so I was hooking up and Adelia walks up to me and says, "uh no you have to hook up on the other side." AND SHE FREAKING STARTED TO UNHOOK ME!

grrr...anyway so throughout the rest of the bout she kept like making the director (referee) give me yellow cards for inane reasons like, "she had her unarmed hand infront of her target area" and "she moved off the strip" and "that's an illigal hit" and just abunch of crap like that I wasn't even doing...excpet for when I'd counter attack and turn my body and my unarmed hand would cover my target area...BUT EVERYBODY DOES THAT. so this match went to 15 touches and it's 9 minutes long with two one minute breaks inbetween and it was the-most-intense bout I've every been apart of.

the final score....14 to 13...and I would have gotten that last touch if it hadn't been for us going over the 9 minutes. aaannnway I beat her so she got eliminated from gold medal (she got bronze) and now comes the gold medal bout against one Anna Kopcrak...I dominated. I beat her like 15 to 4 with 4 minutes to spare. it was freaking awesome. and I know that my Daddy was there with me today watching me KICK ASS and that's he's proud of his little girl. :D

well that's my story:D hope you all enjoyed it and wasn't too confused by some of the stuff that I was saying.:D:D:D:D:D

"We are the champions my friends!
And we'll keep on fighting to the end
No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions
...of the World!!"

next stop...2008 Olympic Summer Games!

Post with no Name

Angels appreciate things about you that you thought no one else ever even noticed...

I hate this saying...I'm sure it's true, but that's not going to stop me from hating it I hate lots of things actually...high school, high school melodrama, life...Life is a hard thing to place an emotion on...I hate it, it frustrates me...but at the same time...

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

Why do people feel the need to hide behind a mask..every morning that's the first thing they do is put on a mask, a wall that protects them from the harshness and truth that the world is...but at the same time prevents you from experiencing all that life has to offer...I know I wear a mask, and I know that I'll never be rid of it...and that's what scares me most.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

when I was young my daddy died...he died before I got to know him...he died before I got to appreciate his sacrifices...he died before I got the chance to truly love him...I'll never know what it's like to have your DADDY hug you goodnight, I'll never know what it's like to be comforted by DADDY after my first heartbreak, I'll never know what's it's like to be upstairs putting makeup on for prom while DADDY gives "Joe Tall Dark and Handsome" the infamous "Talk" downstairs, I'll never know what it's like to have DADDY walk me down the isle when I get married...and worst of all...I never got the chance to tell him good-bye...

There's a Definite Downside to Spontaneous Human Combustion....

Okay....seriously I htink I am going to spontanwously combust in like two seconds!....just thought everyone should know.....

So....here's more of my random thoughts

...so...you know how the majority, if not all, of the Christian Religions teaches that Jesus was perfect? The WWJD messages and the strife to be Christ like in all aspects of our lives....well, I've had sort of conflicting beliefs on these things. While I believe yes we should be the very best people we can be and not take the gift of redemption and repentence for granted, which Jesus amptly demonstrated through his time on earth... how can you strife to be like something that you know is unattainable...why reach for the unreachable? With that said...Is it so hard to believe that Jesus Christ was a man... and had the same temptations that we go through everyday of our lives? I feel that Jesus's main purpose on earth was to be a testimony to the power that God has over life and death in this world, as well as demonstrate that no matter what trials we suffer here on earth we have the ability in ourselves to overcome those obstacles. The belief that Jesus was a man for me makes things in my life so much easier to deal with..........aaaannnd I'm spent.