Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I know that hate is a strong word but....

I was at Walmart this morning and I ran into my step mother...

I was shocked to realise how much I hate her. When I saw her, my emotiions went from surprise to loathing within almost a fraction of a second, and it really socked me, I hate her so much all of the pain she has caused my family, every single bad memory of her I've ever had sprang unbidden to my mind and the strongest feeling of hate, and rage...words really can't express the exact degree of detestation I felt well up inside of me when I saw this woman. I didn't know I was capable of having so much anger directed at one person, especially since it's been almost two years since I last saw her and...my little brother.

I know that I don't know a lot about my dad, I know that I will never understand why he did some of the things he did, like Marrying Sherie, because I wasn't old enough to have known him for long before he died, and the memories I do have of him are so vague...and only a select few are untarnished by time. But what I do know of him was that he was a good man, a good man that had problems. When my parents got a divorce it began amiably, they still had a salvagable friendship, but then he marrid Sherie and...being the manipulative witch she was...she was able to control my dad...she felt like my dad's love was a trophy that you had to win, it became a sick game she played with not only my mother, but with me and my brtohers and sisters, he couldn't love my mother in anyway anymore, not even as a friend, because he had to love her unconditionally and he couldn't love his children anymore because she was more important, it was never "You have to love Nathan more," no it was, "You have to love ME more"

Sherie has kept me and my family from seeing our only little brother for the longest time, the only times that we get to see him is when members of the Svensson family come to visit, and she wants to keep up a good front for them, like "Oh we have a good relationship even though I'm the reason Pam's kids no longer have a dad, I refuse to let my son have any kind of relationship with his only brothers and sisters, and oh, I forgot, I contributed to the reason why Sven commit suicide but I really don't give a flying fuck, because I'm a cold, selfish, BITCH!" She treats Nathan like he's a little boy, whenever she goes out he has to have a baby sitter, he has to be in bed by 9 o'clock, and he can't have friends over at all unless it's a special occasion...HE'S 13 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Each time I see her I think, "You are the reason I have no Daddy, you are the cause of all this pain in my life and in the lives of those I love, you are the reason I will never know what it's like to have a whole family...You are the reason I have no Daddy...and, for that, I can never forgive you."

5 comments:

shamae said...

wooooow.

thesexyswede said...

I know...I hsould have named this blog "Spontaneous Human Combustion..."

shamae said...

hahahaaaaa....

We learned about that in Medical Anatomy and Physiology. It's kind of cruel and a little disturbing, but I would really like to see that. *poof* "ahh he's...he's on fire? he's on FIRE" ahhh. yyyah.

So jessy i think you're AMAZING, really you're just so great. that is all.

The Short One said...

Jessamyn!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't freaking know that you had a blog....ahh!! I love you!

thesexyswede said...

HAHAHA I love you too Jenesse :D