Saturday, December 30, 2006

I CONFESS....nothing mwah!

[x] I'm straight.
[ ] I'm gay.
[ ] I'm bi.
[x] I'm not easy.
[occasionally] I do wear make up.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I like what I see.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I hate what I see.
[ ] I wear a bra to bed.
[ ] ocassionally I sleep naked.
[x] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend/girlfriend didn't like.
[x] I love chocolate covered pretzels.
[ ] Getting a flower makes me smile, especially for no reason.
[ ] I've wrecked a car.
[x] I can't put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I'd do anything for that special guy.
[x] I get jealous easily.
[x] I love cuddling.
[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] I've gotten a detention.
[ ] I've gotten suspended.
[ ] I've gotten expelled.
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I like rock.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[sometimes] I like rap.
[x] I like techno.
[ ] I carry a purse everywhere.
[x] I carry a bag everywhere.
[x] I'd be lost without my cell phone.
[ ] I'd be lost without my mp3/CD player/iPod.
[x] I own/did own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own/did own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own/did own a boy band CD.
[ ] Football isn't boring.
[x] I love athletic boys.
[ ] I love skater guys.
[ ] I love punk guys.
[ ] I love gangsta guys.
[x] I love preppy guys.
[ ] I love surfer guys.
[ ] I love emo guys.
[ ] I love gothic guys.
[ ] I love guys with long hair.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've cheated on someone before.
[ ] I've been called a tease.
[x] I've been called a slut (by me).
[x] I've been called a bad influence.
[x] Lip gloss is better than lipstick.
[ ] I can't leave the house without makeup.
[ ] I can sing.
[ ] I play video games, even when there are other people around.
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me.
[x] I would do anything for my friends.
[ ] I really want to be with a certain someone right now.
[ ] I smoke way too much.
[ ] I drink way too much.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[ ] I have piercings other than my ears.
[ ] I have been to more than 5 concerts.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home...

I went for a winter-walk this morning for about an hour and a half. Just me and the Snow. I never felt more alive. The brisk winter air biting at my ears, and making my eyes water. Watching my warm breath fighting to stay palpable, the satisfying crunch crunch as I paved my own way through the snow (opting to create my own footsteps instead of following the paths of others). I was thinking...

As I always inevitably do

...About everything that has occured within the past few years, and all of the memories that have come with it, not all of them, but just the major ones that I have chalked up on the board of Moments That Have Irrevocably Changed Me Into That Person I See In the Mirror Every Morning...

first few that pop into my head are good ones, happy ones:

- Playing Poker at my house with Lisa, Tasha and Emily.
- Dressing Sousa up like a terrorist and taking shots of sparkling cider.
- Thespian Conference my sophomore year.
- Lunch talks with Cameron Bench.
- Hangin' with da Sousa and Jenesse.
- The good times in Tasha's/Mette's basement.
(the list goes on...)

However, the happiness bubbling in my chest at these memories was quickly squelched and the cheesy grin that adorned my face lost it's grip and slid, a little too easily, into a half frown as other memories surfaced.

- Walker...(I'm sorry, but I will never like her).
- I was too chicken to break up with Brett before dating Chase... I two-timed him. He didn't deserve that.
- Beauty and the Beast was both a blessing and a curse.
- Thespian Conference my Junior year fucking blew.
- Mr. Mountain View was basically the worst experience ever. Damn rope burns from the fly system.
- My parents almost getting a divorce.

Two memories stuck out most violently to me though. One time (of the many, innumerable times) people were making fun of Cameron Bench. I got so angry when everyone decided to gang up on him, but I never did anything about it because I was a coward. I remember one time though, Someone told me that Cameron was devious and sneaky, that he was just using me. Of my dealings with people, Cameron has been one of the, maybe two people who have never betrayed my trust (In fact, in hindsight I find that accusation rather amusing, in an ironical sort of way, coming from the person who made the accusation). I also remember when Cameron and Becca broke up, then suddenly everybody was all chummy with him... that just doesn't make sense to me. Why on earth would you say that you hate someone then all of a sudden make a complete 180 regarding them? How can you hate them then have a crush on them? Or hang out with them, like they are suddenly your best friend?

It's hypocritical.

And I hate hypocrisy. Not just because of other people, but because I'm a hypocrite as well. My dad cheated on my mom when I was little. It's that reason why I've always hated people who cheat on their spouses/boyrfriends/girlfriends/better-halfs. People who cheat should be shot and hung. It's dishonorable, mean and cowardly. But, I cheated, and that makes me a hypocrite. I became something I hated for somebody that, in hindsight, doesn't deserve me.

I've been trying to cut hypocrisy from my life, but I realised that it's impossible to do that when I'm surrounded by it.

I don't want to burn any bridges, but...something is telling me that if I don't, I'll never be able to change...

the match is struck...good-bye, so long and good-luck

Saturday, December 16, 2006

...The Match is Struck...


So Long.

...and Good luck.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Well It Sure Did Leave Me With a Scowl...

I knew something was up when I saw that the call was from Tim Hansmann...

because, Timmy doesn't call me this late at night.

It was Gingy...

at my door.

with a freakin' rose. damnit

Sunday, December 10, 2006

If It Makes You Feel Any Better...


Is It Just Me...

Or is this the freakiest picture of Santa Claus ever...??
I feel like he's going to swallow my soul...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

God Bless...

I check the PostSecret website religiously. It's so beautiful that people have a place where they can send their deepest, or even their most trivial of secrets, and find that they aren't alone in the world.

When I read this secret I about cried.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Don't Know Where This Came From...

Something between hope and pain, somewhere between mark and claim.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Blue Eyed Beast...

Leave me, you Blue Eyed Beast, you tempt me so.

You spoke to me of naught but deceit
and robbed my mind of the last vestiges
of personal sanity, leaving me,
alone teet'ring on your knife's razor edge.
Your soft words, words of endearment of love
were as I suspected, all just a trap.

And as a cat is caught in the jaws of
curiosity, I was lost as well.
But, so unlike the cat with claws and jaws
for her own defense, I was made pow'rless
as your suant, terrible, tempting,
tremors held me close whisp'ring words so soft,
so dear, to numb me from my aching pride.

But, Blue Eyed Beast, can comfort me no more.

So get thee away thou retched monster,
For your words are now meaningless drabble
and my curiosity, blase, fore-
You tempt me. No More.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Les Personnes Heureuses...

He drew 'Hi' on his front teeth... with a pencil

and it was fantastic. thank you

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Never Ever.

I hate the words 'shut up'

I... really really dislike when I'm seriously told to shut up. I'm fine with it if someone uses 'shut up' in a comedic way, but when someone is actually pissed and they say it, it makes me very angry. It's so dismissive and patronizing, and makes people feel about the size of a thumb tack.

So, I promise right now, for the rest of my life to never ever tell someone to 'shut up' when I'm angry.

Friday, November 10, 2006

1: Never Leave It Unfinished...

Completion: com‧ple‧tion  /kəmˈpliʃən/ –noun
1. the act of completing.
2. the state of being completed.
3. conclusion; fulfillment: Her last novel represented the completion of her literary achievement.
4. Football. a forward pass that has been completed.

I am okay with being alone!

List of things to do:

1. Tell him 'No' and mean it.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Sir, I Believe You Have My Stappler...

there's a difference between being alone and being lonely...

....I think I'm okay with being alone....?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Big, Deep, Frustrated Sigh...

There are just certain people that I talk to where Messenger is really the only valid form of communication with them at this point in time... like my friends who are off in Tasha and Becca Burgon and Cameron Bench, there's also Mariette and Becca Cain (and while I don't really communicate with them anymore it's still nice to have that option), Ryan "Sven" in Canada, Cameron Asay, Jessica, Winter and Hilary from Timpanogos, Shamae moved back to California soooo...

I could just use my myspace more, but I really really loathe myspace... I only use it for image hosting so I can hot-link pictures to this, my blog...

Right now I just feel so cut off from people that I miss.... So, why don't I just call them up? Well...Society as a whole is extremely dependent on technology. I'm sure there was a time when the computer was just brand spankin' new and parents were constantly having to tell there children to "get the f*** off!" but now it has become a necessity to both personal and business life. Messenger and Text Messaging, as much as I hate to admit it, are quickly on their way to becoming a piece of technology that people will have to incorporate into their daily lives (that is, if they haven't already done so).

In short: I really, truly need MSN...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Moments...

...checking for petty details of the moment, he dipped his head just slightly, but their lips met. Of all the never-happened, unsure moments in her life, this was the epitome. She’d have to get used to the feeling of a warm fire in her chest. She’d have to learn to deal with catching her breath every time he looked at her. But, she realized, it was a pretty nice thing to get used to.

Beautiful moments come and go.
Each One bringing color,
texture and contrast
to our otherwise, banal lives.

Hold onto each moment, my friends. For each moment, regardless of the pain it may have caused, will paint your world with vivid colors you can't even imagine.

Hold onto that Beauty.

Monday, October 23, 2006


Time: 3:36 a.m.

I fell asleep at 9:30 last night, then woke up again at 11:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. So now I'm trying to find ways to pass the time... I lied in bed for about two hours trying to will myself back to sleep, that didn't work out too well (or else I probably wouldn't be up right now). At around 1:00/1:30-ish I started freaking out because I thought I was hearing sounds in my backyard (mental images of the "Walsburg Scythe Man" appeared more than once) so I got up and turned my light on and read Wicked for the last two hours.

...Now I'm here...physically exhausted, but unable to sleep. Tomorrow is really going to suck.

Reading magazines and counting
sheep to pass the time away
Hoping that tomorrows gonna bring
a smile home again, images of palm trees
swaying in the wind on south beach
Takes me back to better days,
summer days the everglades in june

My brain, my poor brain
My brain, my poor brain
Im drinking myself to sleep again,
nightnurse pills to keep me sane
Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia

Flying high in golden skies,
Im flicking channels in my mind
Finding my utopia a different chapter in a book
Thinking back to younger days
as I escape in coopers break
It takes me back to 84
the futures knocking at my door
My brain, my poor brain

My brain, my poor brain
Im drinking myself to sleep again,
nightnurse pills to keep me sane
Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia
Im drinking myself to sleep again,
nightnurse pills to keep me sane
Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia

Turning off a switch inside me,
leaving all the stress behind me
Flying over streams and houses,
passing over the wye valley
It takes me back to 84
the futures knocking at my door
My brain, my poor brain

Im drinking myself to sleep again,
nightnurse pills to keep me sane
Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia
Im drinking myself to sleep again,
nightnurse pills to keep me sane
Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia
Im drinking myself to sleep again,
nightnurse pills to keep me sane
Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Never Again


and lonely...but never better.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I woke up to this song this Morning...It was Fantastic.

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

-John Mayer

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Thursday, October 12, 2006

...Lustful eh?...I guess that makes sense.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Low
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I think I should have loved you presently...


I don't want to have to deal with them right now, but alas, I must. Because I'm being faced with change, that in turn I must make decisions to that will both trivial and important to my future...

I thought/think I love fencing. It's so fun and it has changed my life in many ways, as well as given me a place to go and sort of vent my pent up energy, but something has changed. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm not sure if it's me or if it's...well no it can't be anything else but me. Because it's ultimately my choice isn't it? Whether I still love it or not...What I'm coming to is that I'm probably going to have to quit.

I'm going to have to drop my AP European History class...which SUCKS because I love that class soo much, but I just can't keep up with the work load. But I love the subject!! But I'm going to have to replace it with another class so that I can keep participating in extra curriculars (I completely misspelled that word) and stuff.

I'm thinking of completely dedicating myself to theatre...which I'm not sure is such a good idea, but I like it a lot, and it makes me happier than anything else. I'm scared that I've taken my love for it for granted or completely ignored it up 'til now. So I'm wondering if it's too late?

I'm soo freaking scatter-brained and indecisive!

I'm scared that I'm going to quit something I could have the most potential in... but then again I can't keep spreading myself thin over too much bread... or else I won't reach any kind of potential at anything.


I think I should have loved you presently,
And given in earnest words I flung in jest;
And lifted honest eyes for you to see,
And caught your hand against my cheek and breast;
And all my pretty follies flung aside
That won you to me, and beneath your gaze,
Naked of reticence and shorn of pride,
Spread like a chart my little wicked ways.
I, that had been to you, had you remained,
But one more waking from a recurrent dream,
Cherish no less the certain stakes I gained,
And walk your memory’s halls, austere, supreme,
A ghost in marble of a girl you knew
Who would have loved you in a day or two.

Monday, October 09, 2006


I'm very twitterpated.

Monday, October 02, 2006

"Me Fail English...That's Umpossible!"

I can't write.

It's as simple as that. I mean, okay I can write when inspiration strikes, but that happens too rarely for me to be able to call myself a writer of any kind.

I'm so frustrated with myself...and my inability to put my thoughts down on a piece of paper. In AP English today we did a timed essay that was on an AP Test in like...the eighties or something, and for the life of me I could not figure out how to express the answer to the question (...What is the Complex Attitude of the Speaker?). I analyzed and annotated the poem...I knew what it was about, I knew the answer, but for the life of me I could not put it into words... my essay ended up being like 3 paragraphs long and barely even answered the question at all.

...I hate this!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I Stole This From Lisa's Blog...hehehe

J: Lives life for fun.
E: A damn good kisser.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
S: Easy to fall in love with. (...ummm)
A: Easy to hang with.
M: Makes dating fun.
Y: One of the best damn bf/gf anyone could ask for.
N: Dead sexy. (HAHAHAHAHA!)

S: Easy to fall in love with.
V: Not judgemental. (pfft....)
E: A damn good kisser.
N: Dead sexy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
S: Easy to fall in love with. (I have too many S's in my name!)
O: Best in bed. (I do what I can)
N: Dead sexy.


A: Easy to hang with.
B: Likes people.
C: Is wild and crazy.
D: Has one of the best personalities ever.
E: A damn good kisser.
F: People adore you.
G: Never let people tell you what to do.
H: Have a very good personality and looks.
I: Loves everyone.
J: Lives life for fun.
K: Really silly.
L: Loved by everyone.
M: Makes dating fun.
N: Dead sexy.
O: Best in bed.
P: Popular with all types of people.
Q: A hypocrite.
R: Frickin crazy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Loyal to those you love.
U: Really likes to chill.
V: Not judgemental.
W: Very broad minded.
X: Never let people tell you what to do.
Y: One of the best damn bf/gf anyone could ask for.
Z: Always ready.

All of these statements are generalizations that apply to everyone... but it's still fun to indulge in stupid little things every once in a while. :P

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Take the quiz:
What classy actress are you?

Lucille Ball
You are Lucille Ball! You are an amazing, charming, charasmatic women who makes everybody laugh! You lock people under your spell, and they are enchanted by you. You are a beautiful, classy comedian.

Quizzes by -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Faulty: Send in for Repairs

I'm Proud
Morally Weak
I Procrastinate
I'm Fake


Tell me I'm a Diva
Tell me I'm a Bitch
Tell me I'm stuck in my own little world

Because I am.
I am.
I am.

I can't help you, and it's eating me up inside.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Everytime eh?

Your True Birth Month Is January

Easily jealous
Loves children
Rather reserved
Highly attentive
Likes to criticize
Needs close friends

Ambitious and serious
Smart, neat and organized
Hardworking and productive
Loves to teach and be taught
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Sensitive and has deep thoughts
Knows how to make others happy
Searches for the greatest romance
Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses

Funniest Freaking Messages EVER

I was on my death bed Saturday night so I was unable to get up and find my phone even though I heard it ring, and then it died...Sousa and Jenesse I am so sorry. So anyway, Sousa left a bunch of messages on my phone... I thought I was going to die. lol

9:47 p.m.

Jessamyn you disapoint me that was the most boring answering machine ever! okay. call jenesse's phone back because my phone is in my pants and I have a hot beverage inbetween my leeeggs. hahaha anyways Jessy. call me back even if you're at homecoming okay. okay? call me back!

9:53 p.m.

JESSAMMYYYNNN I apologize. you're anwering machine is more entertaining than when I first called I wasn't really listening the first time- Jenesse! ...Jenesse is snorting hot caramel apple cider..but uh Jessamyn I noticed that your phone went straight to answering machine so you better be talking to somebody or else I'll be...supremely disapointed...

9:57 p.m.

Jessy. Jessy! I know you're there. I know you're there okay? alright. stop playing games okay? stop playing games with me. you know why? because playing games with me insults my intelligence, and that makes me very angry.

10:05 p.m.

You turned your phone off didn't you? I know your tricks, okay? I know your tricks it's not's not lost don't- don't even try that one. Uou turned your phone off you know right where it is and you know right how it's off isn't it? you and I both know the truth now.

10:54 p.m.

Jessy...damn you to hell...

In each message I could hear jenesse laughing in the background. It was HIIIILLARIOUS.

Friday, September 15, 2006

On Being Burned, And Living Through It: Have a Little Faith.

High School is about making mistakes...

It's about deciding to sluff class and feeling the reprocussions later.
It's about going out with guys that ones parents might not approve of.
It's about testing out new possibilities, limits and boundaries.

In my years of High School I've done all of these things...each having drastic consequences to my social and emotional state. both postitive and negative. Yes, I dated Chase Brown. He's kind of a jack-ass, but he's a jack-ass that I care a great deal about... and I still consider him a friend.

Yes, I sluffed classes my junior year. This decision in hindsight was both stupid and enlightening. Stupid because now I have to make up a term of Honors English before I can graduate, Enlightening because I've learned just how amazing a single human can be when put under severe amounts of pressure, and that my friends are the funniest most intelligent people I've ever met.

I have been burned pretty bad when it comes to the relationsips portion of my adolescent years... but whenever I start to feel bad for myself I just take a minute and think objectively about my entire situation (a trick that I learned while sluffing class by the way), and I realise that it's not so bad, in comparison to others' experiences it was actually pretty smooth sailing.

So please, parents... before you condemn a child for a wrong decision, remember your own High School years, when you made dumb decisions and got hurt. Remember how much you learned from that experience, and think about how it's made you the person you are today... We love you. We really do, we just need a little freedom to do what we're supposed to do, and that is to stumble along the path to enlightenment.

The little boy looked deeply into the flames of the fire before him, his mother's words repeating in his mind, "Don't touch the fire, you'll be burned..." He believed his mother of course, but there was just something so intriguing about the way the flames licked desperately at the air, stuggling to escape the confines of it's own fiery existance... It made you want to reach out, just once... "Don't touch the fire, you'll be burned...."

But sometimes we have to feel the burn for ourselves.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Who Would Be Jealous Then Of Such A One...

You take the breath right out of me
and left a hole where my heart should be
you gotta fight just to make it through
...'cause I will be the death of you

It's not that bad.
It really isn't.
It just feels that way, y'know?

I'm jealous is what it is.

That's exactly it.
That's the problem,
That I'm just jealous.

He talks to her.

Not Done.

He talks to her.

Cliches...Contradictions...Confusions...Chaos I tell you!

There is both so much, and absolutely nothing to say.

This is where Abmiguities come into play...

Should I make them whimsical? or, heaven help me, woeful?

Riddles and Rhymes to keep you guessing why my mind's full...

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Summer Nationals '06

I'll post more later. Enjoy... or not, you know whatever.Yeah, I'm all cool and stuff...Me and Michelle Dowdle. I can't remember if I was angry or happy in this picture because you can't see my face....hahaha.This is the Team Bout against...I want to say Seattle...? Well whoever they were, we completely dominated.... I'm just this side of anxious. hahaha.I love my Coach. She's so cool...And Scott is my hero.They had to check our weapons to make sure we didn't cheat... heh heh heh...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

It's Own Excuse For Being...

Forgiveness and Trust.
Empathy and Passion.
Security and Honesty.

All in a moment.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Freakin' Crap

My parents... are aruging over Brett.

...I find the situation hilarious.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

So, We've Reached An Unlikely Accord...

In an unlikely way.

With unlikely circumstances.

Yet, it's unlikeliness is marked
by doubt in my Mind, I expected This...


Maybe I'm just getting sloppy,
Or maybe the fault lies Somewhere,
Somewhere else.

Everything shines in a new light now.
It's all up to me now...
But that isn't too bad.

Perhaps in the tattoo of my heart?
Maybe in the Hands of God?
God, it might be both.

All that's tangible is gone now.
It's all up to me now...
But that isn't too bad.

Monday, September 04, 2006


If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?

And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?


Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of Jane...


I know a girl...
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.


On me, pressure pushing,
pressing almost pleading.
Are there more options?
In Truth, I'd rather not.



So, many many things have happened this past week.

I made both Les Miserables as wedding guest number 2 (yay), and Shakespeare Team as a monologue (Constance, King John). I'm kind of miffed that Emily gets to do the Katherine monologue from King Henry, because that is such a good monolouge, but I'm also happy that she gets to compete with it because she deserves it.

Almost everybody was together again for the first time in like...3 months. There's still some animosity there that might never go away, but at least some people are actually doing something about it.

My phone rang at midnight last night. I flipped it open to see who was calling and it said 'Kendall.' hahaha. I didn't want to answer because I was waaaayy sleepy so I just silenced my ringer and went back to sleep. When I woke up this morning I checked my call history and...dun dun DUN...Kendall never called. How messed up is that??

I'm sleepy. I'm just rambling.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My Pet Peeve:


all the time...
just the same.

exactly the same.
silent movie actresses.
all country music.
most 'main-hallers'

just like him.
just like him.
just like him.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

You Didn't Get It...

Sure I lied...whatever.
You just didn't get it.
You're the critic.
You, that small voice,
But not so small in me.

In me, something's just about to break.
It has to...sometime...has to.
Not good. Not working. Not Bad.
Not Mad... Dr. Sous got nothin' on me.

On me, pressure pushing,
pressing almost pleading.
Are there more options?
In Truth, I'd rather not.


Monday, August 28, 2006

Les Miserables

I'm way excited for Les Mis.

This is the first year I've actually auditioned for a musical... the one bridge in Theatre that I haven't crossed. Normally I just stick to Shakespeare and straight plays. I had a strict no singing policy, but I actually did it. I didn't TOTALLY butcher the song, and I think I finished with a strong monologue... it went okay.

I'm worried though.

I have this mental block sometimes where I'm too scared to put myself out there completely without reservation... because if I can't do it one hundred percent, why even bother trying it? I'm not sure that I'm making any sense at all here... I set my expectations for myself obscenely high, and if I can't reach it I give up, and consider myself a total failure. That's why I didn't audition for any musical prior to this.

I really want this experience though, I'm just scared that I'm getting in my own way.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Toungue Tied...Quite Literally.

I woke up this morning with a twistie-tie in my mouth.
No Joke.

What the Hell is that about?
How did it get there?

I'm confused...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Flood Gates Are Open: Ode to My Junior Year...

I remember being eager.
that went to hell in a hand-basket

I remember the nervous constriction of my chest when I would see you walking down the halls, and the glimer of hope I felt when you would smile at me.
I was naive.

I remember Rocky Point Haunted House
I was so confused.

I remember Beauty and the Beast.
and the burning jealousy

I remember throwing away the best thing that happened to me.
...I have nothing to say.

I remember pain.
completely and idiotically self-inflicted...twice.

I remember braiding Becca's hair.
you're gorgeous darling, and definetly NOT a bitch.

I remember crying because I didn't get the fucking tapestry up.
and getting caught on the scrim...
and not closing the castle doors in-time...
and knocking into Cogsworth while running off-stage...
and leaving the rose on stage...
and breaking the set closing night...

I remember Wheel of Damnation.
I remember you Sousa...I remember you my friend.

I remember I remember being abandoned.
I remember pushing everyone away

I remember Brittany Hoffman.
I remember Jenesse Anderton.

I remember Comedy of Errors.
almost making another mistake

I remember Cassandra Hess.
only re-considering another go to protect her from you.

I remember giving up, losing hope.
feeling dirty

I remember [crying on] my Birthday.
my hands were burned from the ropes on the fly system.
I was dressed all in black because I was a techie,
but it still felt like I was ushering in my seventeenth birthday
as though it was a funeral...

I remember the Dining Room.
It was a great show

I remember One Acts.
I wanted my show to get cancelled, and I'll always be jealous of Emily's talent

I remember being voted in as President.
I hate you Chase Brown...I hate you

I remember Tasha.

I remember Gabe Feinstein.
you told me a beautiful lie. I miss you

I remember graduation.
good-bye. good-bye. good-bye.

I'll remember...

I'll always look back at my Junior year with a mixed sense of pride and shame at the mistakes I've made, and why I made them.

Monday, August 07, 2006


The blessings of passionate thought.
are countered by the curse of a trapped mind.
Frustrated. Tied. Paralyzed.

Measuring Glances make my decisions.
Steely Looks soothe my daily jitters.
as I gently search my drawers in the morning
peice by layer, quietly building myself...

Got to be Strong
Got to be Wise...
you're giving too much away!
For others
For others
always for others.
For you.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

In All My Idiotic Glory...

“I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”
Technorati Profile

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I'm An Open Book...

You just don't know what page to turn to.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Illustration Friday: Opposites

Little Angel go away.
Come again some other day.
Devil has my ear today,
I won’t hear a word you say.

Monday, July 24, 2006

aaannndd...I'm a nerd...


Of All The Things I Never Told You...

I never told you goodbye.

So, goodbye. goodbye. goodbye.
For good this time.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Disregardable Drabble...

Thesis: People live too much, and think too little.

Anithesis: People think too much, and live too little.

Too many people live their lives unabashedly content to be blissfully ignorant of the world and people around them, and others are too busy fussing and worrying about what the outcomes of each course of action they could take that they forget to live.

There are 'thinkers' and there are 'doers.'I have a few friends that I have labelled, 'uber-doers.' They don't think...period. They just do... Let's take my buddy Braden E. He's a great example of this. a moron, plain and simple. He doesn't use his brain at all...ever. However, he always has a new and interesting story to tell about what kind of trouble he had to get himself out of, and the hot chicks he's met along the way (hahaha love you, buddy). He's a shoot first ask why later sort of a guy. The personification of the word, 'doer.'

I, unlike Braden, am completely guilty of being a 'thinker'. I'll be the first to admit that I am a worrier...and a perfectionist. When I really dedicate myself to something I want it to be perfect. However I can never acheive the level of perfection that I want because I always worry that I'm never good enough at it to make it perfect... so I end up stuck on the edge of my metaphorical chair because I'm too fucking scared to try getting up.

This is what my inner monologue sounds like:

"I never practice enough to be great. I may be smart, but I'm not hard working enough to get it done or even get it right. No matter how good I am, or how good I think I am at something there is always someone out there who will be better at it than me.

That last sentence is true. Everyone knows it's true...I know it's true. But it aggravates me to no end...because I'm selfish. I want to be perfect. I want to be the best at whatever it is I do. I want that. (hahaha "I want, I want, I want! Me! Me! Me! I! I! I!!") but I can't because it's impossible to be the best.

But is it? Is it really impossible to be the best at something? Without being arrogant? Because, while, yes, I am arrogant...and stubborn...and prideful, I hate people who are. Does that mean I'm humble? I can't be humble if I know I'm arrogant. I hate myself...But I don't."

While all that shit is milling around in my mind...nothing gets done. Because I used up all of my time wondering if I'll ever be great without being arrogant. Instead of using that time to practice fencing, get a job, or...participating in activities that will help my mind grow or whatever.

So, for people like me; Where is the happy medium between Thought and Action?

Monday, July 10, 2006

I...I Think I'm in Love.

Hello there.

It was good to see you again.
Thank God.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Post One Hundred: Delusions of the Light.

Blinded by the visions of wealth and prosperity.
They see too much when the sun is high and the world is bright.
This is the time that things are waved before their faces

And like greedy little children
they reach out and grab and consume every bit of it.
Far more evil happens in broad daylight.

But people need to place the evil somewhere,
somewere they cannot see it, the Darkness of the Night. why ghosts haunt and demons prowl.

At One,
Simple, Cared and Cherished.
Complex, Neglected and Abandoned.

She slipped the shoes off her feet,
and felt the cool hard wood as she passed...
flitting through the fiery colours of the sunset.

Everyone, my passion in life is simply this: Simplicity

Every stroke of God's mighty paintbrush
blending seamlessly to create...
Gold Drama
Blue Passion
Russet Flare
Orange Contentment
Red Desire
Auburn Peace
Painfully Exquisite Beauty..
Taken for granted as each day fades to night.

Everyone, my reasoning was simply this: Fascination.

The beauty of his broken and tortured soul...
the mystery and the sadness of his eyes.
He fascinated me from the start,

Reckless, Joyful and (hopefully) Enlightened
Scared, Angry and Confused,
By Seventeen.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Sunshine and Shadows...

The threads are starting to unravel.
What a pleasant thought.
I'm holding back an impatient sigh.

Oh, that lie will come back to haunt you.
Told You So's blending with Spiteful Glares.
What a pleasant thought.

Fumbling for the memories...
That. Now that's one I'm surprised I've forgotten.
What a pleasant thought.

If I could brew paradise in a white Styrofoam cup...
If he were only as beautiful on the inside as he is...
There'd be nothing but Sunshine and Shadows.

What a pleasant thought.

Monday, June 26, 2006

It's A Damn Shame...

We all know 1 and 2...But what about 3, 4, and 5?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

My Salvation?... Or My Damnation?

Is there anything to hold onto?
Or am I already too far gone?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Public Seclusion: Open-Door Secrets...

Plagerized Origionality...
That's all I am.

A f[l]ake: I have you all hoodwinked.

Nothing's real. It all itches...don't scratch...
don't rub...but you can't stop from
scratching... the selfish don't pray for others
screaming... ...just hope.
scrawling... do nothing but hope for ourselves
can you?

Inside. keep it all inside go ahead, you know you want to...
just care about them... pff...unconditional love[?]
'them?' that's a riot [stop thinking that way]...
by 'them' you mean 'him,' admit it.
oh it's not even bad... drama queen
just pretend, it'll be easier this way... the strong fight it're not strong, selfish coward
you never were [you hide behind] who you'd like to be...
you're [just] a fake, an idiot, a coward you're not... yes you are
NO I'M NOT...oh, just give up.

Stop You're not alone
STOP Don't give up again
STOP! Please...please...
STOP!! Don't hurt me!
please [don't] stop reading...

...but I'll never stop writing... I shouldn't post this [stop reading].

...but-But Nothing.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

What's the Verdict?

New hair...yay? no nay?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Blundering Through...

He tried to decide the best way to walk over to her. Running would seem too eager, but he didn’t want to slowly stroll over there and appear uninterested. Then he had an epiphany...

She was just as drunk as he was. She probably wouldn’t care...

He ran.

Saturday, June 03, 2006


I was at graduation yesterday, listening to the motivational speeches given by the motivational speakers... and David Douma. They were telling us about how we need to dream big, juggle our raw eggs, dare to risk... stuff, like breaking our eggs while juggling them... etc.

I honestly don't think that everyone can succeed in life. I know that sounds extremely pessimistic of me but I thought about it and it's true. Life is graded on a curve, When something is graded on a curve you need people to fail in order for some people to ace. Society is structured the same way. If everyone, everyone didn't give up, if nobody settled for mediocre... It just... wouldn't work.

I don't know if I'm making any sense here... But seriously Fast Foods chains wouldn't have like any employees to flip them hamburgers (but that might be a good thing because then McDonald's would no longer exist), We wouldn't have anybody to mow the lawns of big corporations/businesses (and the LDS temples), And we wouldn't have any bums sleeping on park benches and squating in abandoned buildings (well alright that has nothing to do with my point I just felt like I needed a third thing there... but you get the idea)

Basically, "Stand Up, Stand Out." has a reciprocal for people bound to fail, "Lay Low, Blend In."

Monday, May 29, 2006

Childish Bullshit...

shit. shit. shit. patience is a virtue.
tap. tap. tap. a virtue...
buzz. buzz. buzz. that I don't have.
gotta breath...gotta breath.

Secret: Another Chance?
Jealous Jessamyn

It's not as bad as I make it out to be.
I just want to do my best...
Don't condemn me for trying.

Friday, May 26, 2006

My Turn...

I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace...
But it's worth it for that face.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Good-Bye En Masse...

I realise there is still a few weeks of school left, but I figured I might as well post this now. So here we go, in no particular order...

Asay- You're a very nice guy. I have enjoyed getting to know you and being able to hang out with you these past two years. (wow this kind of sounds like a eulogy) I'll admit there have been times where I've just wanted to throw you up against a wall and smack you around because you were being annoying, but then I remember how annoying I am, and that you have probably had the same urge from time to time... annnnways. Just... thank you for making me laugh, and giving me a shoulder to lean on when I needed it. You've been a good friend.

Cameron- You don't read my blog, so you'll probably never read this. But I'm going to do it anyway. Here's some advice: It sucks being a Park Bench in a crowded place sometimes... people are going to use you and sit on you, birds are going to crap on you, and smelly bums will most likely end up using you as a bed; however, with every defecating bird, and vandal there will always be those who will be grateful for a place of peace and quiet to turn to during their own troubled times. (now for the cliche moment) Thanks for being my Park Bench (pun completely intended... by the by) ;)

Tasha- Good times, great memories. You have been permanently, and violently branded into my memory... that's a good thing. You've taught me how to be brave and showed me how to be spontaneous. You've also showed me the imprtance of trust, and how easily one can place trust in the wrong person. I'm sorry if I've ever violated your trust, believe me it was unintentional. You've been one of the best-friends I've every had. And even if we don't see each other ever again I'll always remember you (seriously, how could I ever forget?) and consider you a friend, just remember to just continually love PEOPLE man! I know that both you and Chase wanted Emily to be President, and I'm fine with that, but I won't let you down. I promise. And I never say anything that I don't mean. :D

Cathy- I'm not going to pretend that I'm not jealous of you... You're AMAZING. You are seriously the strongest person I've ever met (figuratively and literally). I'm also not going to pretend that we were close buddies. We never really got to hang out much, and never really had the time to get to know eachother as well as I would have liked which is a total shame, but regardless, you've always been a role model of sorts for me to look up to through high school. You're beautiful! And you know what... thank you for being nice to me. I wish we could have known each other for longer, and hey shakespeare competition next year at eh?

Sousa- "Photo-Op! *Fuhkink!*" We're cool. (hahaha! Wouldn't that be sad if that was the only thing I wrote to you?) You've helped me through A LOT of shit man.("Caramel?"), as well as prevent me from doing things that were really really stupid, you've also been, almost literally, the only person who has never abandoned me, as well as understand me when no one else could. And I appreciate all that more than anything you could possibly imagine. The great thing about you is you're a born leader and you know it, and you're never afraid to state your opinion and that's awesome I have no doubt that you are going to grow up to be great... Never stop fighting the fight, right?

Mette- All I have to say to you is this- You are waaaayy to hard on yourself. You try so hard to please everyone that sometimes you forget to make yourself happy. You are kick-ass and you've been a good friend to me, and I've taken you for granted. We've had some good times right? I'll never forget the food-fest that I had at your house when I decided to take my emotions out on my body... oh man. Or the time at Thespian Conference when we all fell asleep on those benches and woke up to like 4 black guys!! hahaha. You're cute. Remember that you can't make people happy. All you can do is offer them the option, but in the's their choice. :D

Christopher- You know what I love about you? You are just...such a genuinely nice guy, and just so easily pleased. There's just something about making you smile that just makes everyone around you happy. I'm sorry that I can't really say anything else to you so I can't really make this 'good-bye' last seven lines. Continue being Chris and everyone will love you. And by the way. I fucking loved your one act. It was brilliant! I'm going to miss you.

Ben- You make Emily happy, for that I respect you, because I'm very protective of my friends. You are...well like my favorite person. hahaha!! I think the biggest reason why I'm going to miss you is because you are just... cool. hahaha. I really don't know how to explain it, but I'm going to miss you. You're just great...and you're the only other lefty in the drama Department! WOOOO yay for lefties! :D

Chase- There's a fine line between love and hate... you've straddled it many times. I want you to be happy, but I can't make you... like I told Mette; It's your choice. I wish that circumstances had been different with us. I wish that I hadn't "tapped out", and I almost wish that I had just left things the way they were... me just having a crush on you and you being completely oblivious to it... because I miss our friendship when it was like that. But if wishes were fishes the world would be a slimy mess... and, I never would have been able to have the experience of being a "Henager" with you. Even though I got hurt... It was worth it. I learned a lot. This is going to sound very trite and cliche but, I'll never be able to forget you. I wish you nothing but happiness, and as you go through life just know that there is always going to be someone out there who will love you unconditionally for everything you are (flaws, faults and all). Just... don't be afraid to let yourself be happy.

I'd love to keep in touch with all of you, but I know that probably won't happen in most cases. I wish you all happiness and success in life, if I never see you again. I'll always be here... waiting, and ready to be there whenever you need me. :D

Friday, May 19, 2006

...Oh, Really...?

I hate you...I'm very very angry at you. That was low, and extremely child-ish. You're a bastard. I can't believe that you would say those things behind my back. To people that I love no less. YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO BE HERE NEXT YEAR!! So why the hell are you trying to sabotage it?

Well you know what? I'm glad that you think I'm going to fail at this...I'm glad that you think that next year is going to suck because of me. I'm glad Why? Because you just gave me a reason to hate you. You proved me right, You never really knew me after-all. And now I get to prove you wrong.

Just see...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I Warned Her...It Was Me...

You're dangerous.
You manipulate, and control...

The scary thing: You know what you're doing.
YET, you refuse to change.
You don't know any different.
So I don't blame you for that.

It's that you refuse to change.
Even though you know there is better.
Even though you know you can.
You're not as strong as I thought you were.

I never thought I'd say it, but...
You're dangerous.
just like me.

I Warned Her...It Was Me...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

"You see, it's like this..."

You'll never know.

It's a shame that, "I went there just to see you."
You have to let me go.

Let's ruin your day because you ruined my joke!

My hands are shaking. My voice is small.
My stomach is doing flip flops into my throat. dance. dance.
My heart is pounding. My body is frozen.
I can't seem to make myself breath evenly. swing. swing.
Toungue tied nausea. Searching the crowd for your
Face. I'm falling apart
Hair...GUILT dance.

all because of what I see in your eyes.

What's the story?
"Well, it's all very interesting really. You see, it's like this..."

I really don't want to end things this way...really really really.
reallY. Word vomit 101:

This is everything and yet nothing at all...Beautiful isn't it?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

God Bless Blue October...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

-Blue October.

"Fuck this game! It's four in the morning [ ], YOU WIN!"

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Struggle within...

While searching for myself
I took a long look in the mirror
...and saw the devil staring back at me.

Fuck this. I can't wait to break free.

...I'm what you face when you face in the mirror
As long as you live I will still be here...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Boredom At The Bank: Steal My Kiss

It tears me up inside
glinting past pretending,
ignoring, and faking
this hate. this love. this need.

All this fueled by pretense.
incessant rage pounding,
gnawing, hacking, screaming
This hate, controlled by pride.
Let go it's all a lie.

these, my, unwilling hands
of time grudgingly forced
to move on from second,
to minute, to hour.
This love was stolen time.

I've been so very lost.
Lost in this ugly need.
My thoughts so conflicted
with myself, causing This...

This confused jumble of... integrity
and desire juxtaposed
violently, desperately.
Cruely, fiercly, wildy.

All wanting to be seen.
All screaming for one thing...
For you to steal my kiss.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Illustration Friday: Spotted

Apathy, Corruption, and Cynicism

"It's cute that you think you've spotted me out." -Anonymous

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Just Accept It...

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth, and took it home so that he could watch the moth come out. As he watched, a small opening appeared as the moth struggled to force its body through that little hole. After several hours the moths progress stopped, it had gotten as far as it could, it appeared to be stuck. Then the man decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time; neither happened. The moth spent the rest of its life crippled, crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of life.

We must all experience and learn from struggles in our own lives. For they are the means by which we learn to strengthen our wings that will carry us out into the world.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


I'm so uncomfortable with feeling angry at my Mother that I chose to deal with the situation by making others laugh. I was just at my friend michelle's house and she told me something that made me so angry with my mom that the only thing I could do was flail and and make silly noises to make her laugh...but now that I'm home it's 12:30 and I can't sleep because I'm too pissed off.

My mom told...someone...something that I did not want them to know...something they really had no right to know. and for the life of me I can't figure out WHY she did it.

I figure things out through Trial and Error. Yeah, okay I've been burned a couple of times, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's going to happen and I'm going to have to learn from these stupid decisions/mistakes [that I'm going to inevitably make because I'm only human], that life goes on. But...

She's my mom.

My Parent.

She did what she did because she has my best interest at heart, but doing something with good intentions can sometimes be the worst thing you could possibly do in a situation. Doing the wrong thing for the 'right reasons' can cause so much chaos...There is absolutely nothing positive that either myself or this person could have gained by my mom telling him. absolutely nothing. So until I figure out why she did it...this is me.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Illustration Friday: Speed

There is more to life than increasing its speed. - Mahatma Gandhi

Thursday, April 06, 2006

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk...

That's how it always is isn't it? You have to be willing to lay your pride out on the line when you go up on strip. You have to accept defeat in order to gain glory. You have to be willing to suffer great heartache and loss when you give someone your heart...EVERY decision we make has a lasting consequence, whether the consequence is positive or negative we have to learn to live with it.

What if you don't want to suffer? What if you don't want to have to deal with heartache? What if you don't want to have to lose? All you want is for things to go your way?...Wouldn't we all just love to have life go our way? Well Life isn't perfect. If you want to learn something, ANYTHING from this life you have to risk something.

And this, my friends, is why I am such a coward...and there really is no way to...I guess, articulate what I'm trying to say... I have set myself up for so much pain, and awkwardness...and I'm wondering if it's worth it? I can't help but wonder now that it's over, looking back...Was it worth it? Was it worth losing one of my best friends?

Not to be pessimistic...but that's all I'm good for lately...I used to think that you could be happier in the long run taking the risk even if you get hurt. But I did that...I took risks and thought I would be happier in the long run, because I thought the possibility of being hurt would be outweighed by the fact that I didn't have to wonder what would have happened. But it didn't. Sometimes wondering what could have happened is much much much better than taking the risk and leaving yourself open to be hurt. Because hurt never really leaves. Not completely.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

...You Were My Way Out...

Now You're

Just Another

Dead End

Sunday, April 02, 2006

There Goes Santa Claus...

Christmas was magical. Everybody remembers what Christmas felt like as a child. Waking up every Christmas morning with giddy, bouncing excitement to see if Santa Claus came to visit.

Everybody also remembers what Christmas felt like when we finally discovered Santa Claus isn't real...

Secret: I'm scared to fall in love [with you] again because I fear it'll be like rediscovering Santa Claus is really a sham.

Alas Poor MSN...I Knew it Well...

Cousin Ashley...
Tom and Christine...
the list goes on

People I can no longer talk to because my parents saw it fit to delete MSN Messenger from my life.

"You only said sorry to try and make me feel bad."
"Did it work?"

Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's Raining Again...

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No one is perfect.
Not even her or her,
or her, or Her.



Is Something I'm not.
Is Something you want.
Is Something I can't give.



Is what you have.
Is what you need...
You'll Never be Satisfied


Is Perfect...

Will you ever See?

Should I Dare to Hope?

Saturday, March 25, 2006

What is wrong with...

I feel angry...very very angry.

I know what's wrong with the source of my anger is of my own creation.

I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm so dumb.

I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy. No matter how ardently I believe the contrary to this statement I can convince myself that I deserve to be happy, so why can't others?

What is it? (why can't I seem to finish a train of thought?)

You'll never know the
chances you missed out on
because you were too
busy shredding your wings

I'm jealous. The little green monster is eating me up inside. Everytime I look at her I realise how meager I am in comparison, in every aspect. Talent, Kindness, Ethics, Patience, Beauty, Eloquence...

I'm jealous. There is no longer a smile in his eyes when he sees me. There's always one ready when she enters the room. She's beautiful. I'm such a pessimist.

But no one will be able to satisfy you, or fill your need to be loved, accepted, and treasured because you are too busy shredding your wings.

I was never this way before. I've never been this far off on anything until now. I've never had a problem speaking up or stating my mind. My convictions have left me. My head and my heart have never been this conflicted before, and it's drving me insane.

Follow Your Gut. Shut Up and Live. If There's Any Doubt, There's Only Doubt.

My life, it seems, is filled with nothing but empty words and promises made and broken by the ones I tell me.

What's the point of love?

"Love is the only thing that is truly chaotic"

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Clean Slate

I need to clear something up.

My blog is my sanity.

Here's where I come to vent my frustrations and angsty teenage...well, angst. It's where I come to rant, rave, and/or ramble about matters that are trivial or sometimes important. Everything I say on this blog should be taken with a grain of salt.

I've learned that if I write them down I have less of a chance of burdening myself with these thoughts and having them impact my social and family life.

so mama...Stop freaking out, or stop reading my blog. I love you.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Tumbling Short of My Dreams...

"As I went over to say goodbye I saw that the expression of bewilderment had come back into Gatsby's face, as though a faint doubt had occurred to him as to the quality of his present happiness. Almost five years! There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams--not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything.He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."

I've tumbled short of my dreams...many many times over. And it sucks. Because now I find myself getting hurt, and now I'm asking myself if I did it on purpose. Did I really, actually and truly expect things to be any different? Or did I just want to feel that pain of being abandoned? The truth of the answer hurts more than I thought it would...

I knew that pushing people away wasn't a smart thing to do and that I would only make enemies, and I still did it.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that I was probably going to get hurt, and I still did it.

I knew that I shouldn't have shared my secret with everyone, and I still did it.

I knew I shouldn't have given you a second chance, or a third, but no matter how many times I convince myself you aren't worth find some way to break through my barrier. I don't trust myself around you anymore because the more I'm around you the more I care...

I know that I shouldn't post this blog...but I'm doing it anyway.

What makes me sick is I wanted for it to happen...I put up these walls just to see if someone would care enough to break them down...I decided to not trust people to see if people would try and earn my trust. I never needed these precautions. I really didn't. But now I'm stuck in this pattern because It's the only thing I know how to do. I only know how to be a hypocrite. I only know how to manipulate... I make myself sick.

I've lied to everyone I know, just to sabatoge my own happiness... I've become someone and something I am not just to get a more heart felt response from those around me. I didn't mean for everything to get so out of hand, but it happened. I've "decked it out with every bright feather that drifted my way." I lied to the people I should care about the most, I've convinced everyone that I'm somebody else, and I've convinced myself that I'm something that I'm not.

In all honesty I'm not worth wasting time on.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Shut Up and Live

They sat laughing at each other, but once their laughter died down their gaze turned to a more serious one. He looked at her with an intensity that made her heart skip a beat. She felt herself blush and looked away. He cleared his throat and asked her if she was ready to leave.

Once they were at her house, their eyes met again. They stood still holding their eye contact for what seemed like forever until he finally moved closer to her. She took a step forward and he slowly lowered his head. She could feel his soft lips capture hers as their lips met in a gentle kiss. She slowly pulled back but he remained where he was. He swallowed the lump in his throat and straightened back up.

“Goodnight,” he said in a hazy voice, turning to walk down her steps...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

...The Hell...?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Because you are a bitch who screws people over and tells people lies about them so they wont win something, and your a fake. one who walks around and acts like everything you do is right how do you sleep with yourself at night! i cant believe your telling people not to vote for other people. oh wait but thats how you win isnt it. thats how you became president of the thespians by telling everyone that your the people you were running up against were manipulative, well honey look in the mirror, i hope your satisfied with yourself, because i sure wouldnt look up to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and everyone who isnt in your little circle hates you and they know the real game you play

This wasn't me...and now I'm angry because people think it was me.

I would have hoped that at least one of you would know that I would never have been cowardly enough to post something this insanely tactless. I wouldn't do this to a friend ever

Tasha, I love, and respect you. You really are one of the best friends I have ever had, you're a good person and you've always been there for me. You are doing a great job on presidency. You know that if I had a problem with something you were doing I would have spoken with you to your face. I'm not cowardly enough to hide behind an annonymous comment. Plus...look at the effing vernacular and grammar. I mean...COME ON. I'm more eloquent than that!

once again I Love You and if people aren't going to respect you and are going to be jack asses. fuck them man. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. fuck them.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I'll Never Be You...

You are the one everyone wants to be
I am the one they say, "I'm glad that's not me."
When I go to sleep, I dream about you
When you go to sleep, I bet you dream about you, too

Your life is filled with good times and cool clothes
My life stands still, just watching where your life goes
God please, let me live in your world for one week
This life all yours, and it's a tease for those like me...

And it's a tease for those like me...

Sometimes I picture myself beating you up
I see myself slamming your head off the ground
And you beg and you plead and you cry constantly
I'll make you say that I'm the best and make you say you wish you were me

And then, in your mind, I see me f***ing your girl
Your cool car is now mine and so is your popular world
All your friends, they love me, and love that I HATE YOU
I'm like superhero, God that a** motherf***er red, white and blue

You don't know me, but I know you
It's a real love hate thing; I love to hate you
I get so frustrated...but tell me, just what can I do?

I'll never be you (So true) [x4]

I'll never be you
I'll never be you
No, I'll never be you
I'll never be you
I'll never be you
No, I'll never be you
I'll never be
Never be Y-O-U

I wanna never be…
I will never never be...
You you you you you…

I wanna be [x4]

I want to be you

But alas, this song past, my daydream fades to black
Boring me, hopelessly, wishing that you’d be attacked
And raped by demented monkeys with huge c***s
And painted green like a jellybean
Made a trampoline and a toxic swamp
You’re so smug, and so fake with your laugh and your click
I want to be you so bad it makes me so f***ing sick

But you suck, and you stink, and you’re soulless and mean
I wanna be in your fake, smug world
We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean

We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean
You and me hanging down at the Coffee Bean

I will never be
Never, never be
I know I’ll never
No, I’ll never
I know
No I’ll never be you and that f***ing pisses me off

I hate you, I hate you but I really, really want to be you


-Dane Cook

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Words Left Unspoken.

Girl: I don't know how tell you how I feel. You know how I feel.

Boy: What do you mean?

Girl: Don't play dumb. You know what I mean.

Boy: Obviously not, or else I wouldn't be asking.

Girl: You know how I feel about you. And you're just screwing with my head! You know what you do to me. I can't think when you touch me...I can't think when I look into your eyes...I just want you to be happy. I want to be the one who makes you happy, but you won't let yourself be happy. Why?


You don't even know.

Boy: I don't deserve to be happy.

Girl: Bullshit. Everyone deserves to be happy...It's me isn't it.

Boy: No.

Girl: Then what! What?

Boy: I've become aware of my own inadequacies...I'm not ready for....this. Whatever this is. This 'not relationship.'

Girl: No. I'm not going to accept that.

Boy: Why?

Girl: You seemed awfully damn happy with --her. Even when it ended with her you still wanted her to take you back...You were obviously ready for her. Remember what you told me?

Boy: What?

Girl: ...'Let's face it. You just got out of a relationship because you weren't ready for THAT kind of relationship. I still like her and moreover am looking for THAT kind of relationship...I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Again, silence

The second time you said it was because you didn't have the emotionally maturity to handle THAT kind of relationship. You've contradicted yourself...You're a hypocrite.

Boy: So are you.

Girl: But I didn't hurt you! I've never made promises that I wasn't going to keep. I never told you that I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you...God! We don't even know if we are going to see each other in a year! Five years from now 'we' could be a distant memory in the back of your mind. You can't just lead me on like this...You can't keep making promises like that when you don't even know what you want....just at least know that I love you, and you do deserve to be happy.

...I'm quickly learning there's a fine line between love and hate...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Little White Room In My Mind...

I have this mental image I keep coming back to...

I'm sitting in a little white room in my doors. But the Room is still bright regardless.

It's a peaceful Room...Silent...Full of Questions, it's a place where I can ponder the meaning of my existance. It's a room full of Love, and Acceptance.

...I'm sitting in the corner...


Sunday, March 05, 2006

Just another Regret...

Let me explain something...

There are two categories I stick new Human Beings into: People and Persons. When I first meet somebody they are a People. Everyone is People to me. I don't trust People, Because People aren't trustworthy. They are Flawed and Corrupt.

What do you want me to say...?

Then, there are Persons. Persons are People who have proven to me that they deserve my Trust, and are then promoted from People to Persons. Don't get me wrong I like People, People are awesome. Just not...trustworthy.

'I'm sorry...' What am I supposed to say to that...?

Trust, is very important to me. To me, It doesn't just mean the firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. It means I will always be there for you. It means that since you have proven yourself, you will always have my friendship and loyalty for the rest of your life, even if we never see eachother again, I will always consider you a friend.

You said that I was bad at hiding my emotions...feelings...

Since, I am so fiercly loyal to Persons, when Persons violate my Trust...It's crushing. The most painful part of it is that it forces me to put up a wall between me and that Person. And that Person is no longer a Person, they become a People.

Would you have me hate you? You've already given up on our friendship, so why shouldn't I...?

When I have to do that to someone, when I have to take back my trust, faith, loyalty, and friendship from someone who was once close to me...I'm thrown into confusion.

...It's the only way I can think of to hide how I just give up, and give in...

What should I do? How should I treat that per...People...He's a People now. I have to keep reminding myself.

'You're friendship means a lot to me'...that was obviously a lie.

I want to feel apathetic about this. I really do, but it's too hard when I have so much emotionally vested...When I once thought that I loved you...Things were okay once, right? Right when it ended it seemed like you really cared, like you still wanted me to be your friend.

You left me when I needed someone the most...You left. You never explained why. Once again you leave me feeling abandoned and used. No matter how many times you told me that you cared or that you never used did. But I don't blame you. I told you once that I could never hate you...

When did things change? When did we both decide to just give up?

looks like I lied too...

Friday, March 03, 2006

...Where My Journey Started...

I've been sitting here looking at the conversation box for five minutes trying to think of something to say...without sounding pathetic...or angry...or bitchy...and when I finally worked up the courage to tell you signed off.

I hate technology

Monday, February 27, 2006

MyTen Firsts...


First best friend: Marche Slaugh! ...good times.
First item you stole: A Beanie Baby.
First pet: My cat Kurtis. My sister thought he was the reincarnation of Kurt Coban.
First piercing: none
First school: Adventure Time...or was it Kindercare? I can't remember.
First house location: Village Apartments in Orem Utah. If we are talking about houses, then my first house location is where I'm living now in Orem.
First crush: AJ Ginger. hehehe. come on! it was second grade, cut me some slack.
First kiss: the rain on new years eve. cliche I know.
First car: hahahaha! I don't even have my licence yet.


Last time you smoked: I don't smoke thank you.
Last food you ate: A sandwich from Ernie's with nothing but butter, chicken and mayonaise...mmm good.
Last movie you watched on dvd at home: "What the Bleep Do We Know?!" Good show.
Last movie you watched at the cinema: The Producers.
Last text message: My friend Whitney, telling me she hates text messaging now too. :D
Last music video u saw: Feel Good Inc. the Gorillaz. good stuff.
Last song you listened to: Good Day -the Click Five.
Last words you said: Don't be an Ass.


dated a best friend: Yes ... not sure if I'd do it again.
been arrested: nope :D
been on TV: nope
eaten sushi: SO GOOD! I love sushi...and sashimi. mmm delicious
cheated on your BF/GF: nope. people who cheat should be shot.
been on a blind date: nope.
been out of the country: Yes.
been in love:, I'm not sure.


1. Shakespeare Festival Shirt
2. my Glasses
3. Blue Jeans
4. One black sock
5. One white sock
6. bra.
7. panties...


1. Woke up to my favorite song on the radio.
2. Called someone an Ass.
3. Looked through my blog for comments
4. Changed two people to "Don't answer 4, and Don't answer 5" on my phone.
5. Laughed with Lisa for 15 minutes straight. my abs hurt.
6. Doing this


1. My sense of humor.
2. My friends.
3. Sweden!
4. My scene with Cameron in the play!
5. My blog.


1. Me
2. Myself
3. I
4. ...did I say Me?


1. Get out of Utah!
2. Do something insane and Crazy.
3. Get as far as I can in fencing.


vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate!! I'm a woman! lol
rock or rap: Rock all the way.


My Farfar...(My Grandpa)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Text Messaging...

I wrote this paper for my english class...I liked it so much I decided to post it. yay!

Jessamyn Svensson
Rich, B1

America the Wireless. The United States has joined the world and jumped on the technological bandwagon. Plasma Screen televisions, computers that now expedite internet connection faster than Speedy Gonzales can say, “Arrrreeba!” MP3/WMA players, iPods, and last and certainly not least, Cell phones: the bane of my high school existence, and a necessary evil…emphasis on the word, ‘evil.’

I’ll admit I own a cell phone, and I use it frequently. It’s the easiest way for me to stay in the loop with my friends, and the most convenient way for my parents to reach me while I’m not at home. There used to be a simpler time when only adults needed to carry around cell phones for business use. Now almost every teenager is equipped with a phone because “The fear of not being in the loop or of missing something is huge.” (qtd. Palenius, the Local) So, because of this, cell phones have become a necessity.

However, “In the ever changing world of communication there are two kinds of people: those who text, and everyone else” (Nevius, 2005). This rapidly growing trend has permeated our society with 90% of teenagers who own a cell phone admitting that they use their phones to text more than to talk (Haig, 2002), turning their phones into a kind of mobile messaging device. And because of this, cell phones are in fact, evil.

You can’t go anywhere these days without seeing people whipping out their cell phones, not to answer an incoming call, rather to carry on a conversation over text messaging (a.k.a. SMS, short messaging service). I can’t set through a whole movie in the theatres anymore without hearing the ‘bzzz bzzz’ of an incoming SMS signal or having the annoying, translucent, electric-blue backlight turn on-and-off whenever someone flips open their phone to answer a text. It’s extremely distracting.

I ashamedly admit that I was one of these people. I was a number in this staggering statistic. I too, was afflicted with, what I like to call, ‘the SMS bug.’ Text messaging was all I used my phone for (aside from the occasional call from my mother to find out where the crap I was). When asked if Text Messaging will replace computers and Instant Messaging, Misuko Ito, a mobile culture researcher/scholar, will replace computers, Ito’s answer was, “No, I think it will replace gum and cigarettes.” (qtd. Nevius, 2005) And boy was she right. I used to send up to 120 text messages or more nearly everyday. It was easy, it was fun, it was also very addicting…there was just something about the “click-click, click clickclick clickidy click-click” when sending a message that was just so satisfying, like some sort of technological drug. It became a part of my everyday life. Not only did I use it to talk with my friends, but also to (shoot me now) “hook-up” with one of my best friends, pathetic I know.

I had liked him for so long, but I was always too scared and unwilling to tell him how I felt, and since SMS, like instant messaging, is non-confrontational, I found the courage I needed to say things to him that I never would have if I was speaking to him face-to-face. I thought, at first, that it was a brilliant idea, until I realized (too late) how detrimental lack of face-to-face communication with him was, not only to our relationship, but to our friendship as well. We never really spoke to each other in person anymore, and conversation in person always felt a little awkward and forced. We went from being best friends, to basically avoiding each other like the plague. I don’t think it helped much that our relationship also ended on a really bad note…over a text message… I’m not the only one who’s made this kind of mistake.

The first time Rachel Clayton, a student at Northwestern University, heard the words, ‘I love you’ from her boyfriend of six months was over a SMS message. “I just sat there and stared at my phone…I couldn’t believe the first time he used those words was over a text.” (Pressner, USA Today, 2006) Many other women have also said that they have had relationships, like mine, that began, flourished, and eventually ended via text message. The problem: because so much of our communication is in the tone, of our voice, how we say things and our body language that a lot becomes lost in translation. So, well meant, personal sentiments become meaningless, and miscommunication occurs. It’s unfortunate, because it’s preventable.

Avoid replacing human contact with impersonal text messages, remember that some things should be saved for direct person-to-person communication, and should never be said over a Text Message.


Work Cited

Haig, M. (2002). Mobile Marketing: The message revolution. London: Kogan Page

Nevius, C.W. (2005). “Time to get hip to text messages”

Pressner, Amanda. (2006). “Can love blossom in a text Message?”

Polenius, Ulla. (2006). The Local (News from Sweden in English).