Monday, February 27, 2006

MyTen Firsts...


First best friend: Marche Slaugh! ...good times.
First item you stole: A Beanie Baby.
First pet: My cat Kurtis. My sister thought he was the reincarnation of Kurt Coban.
First piercing: none
First school: Adventure Time...or was it Kindercare? I can't remember.
First house location: Village Apartments in Orem Utah. If we are talking about houses, then my first house location is where I'm living now in Orem.
First crush: AJ Ginger. hehehe. come on! it was second grade, cut me some slack.
First kiss: the rain on new years eve. cliche I know.
First car: hahahaha! I don't even have my licence yet.


Last time you smoked: I don't smoke thank you.
Last food you ate: A sandwich from Ernie's with nothing but butter, chicken and mayonaise...mmm good.
Last movie you watched on dvd at home: "What the Bleep Do We Know?!" Good show.
Last movie you watched at the cinema: The Producers.
Last text message: My friend Whitney, telling me she hates text messaging now too. :D
Last music video u saw: Feel Good Inc. the Gorillaz. good stuff.
Last song you listened to: Good Day -the Click Five.
Last words you said: Don't be an Ass.


dated a best friend: Yes ... not sure if I'd do it again.
been arrested: nope :D
been on TV: nope
eaten sushi: SO GOOD! I love sushi...and sashimi. mmm delicious
cheated on your BF/GF: nope. people who cheat should be shot.
been on a blind date: nope.
been out of the country: Yes.
been in love:, I'm not sure.


1. Shakespeare Festival Shirt
2. my Glasses
3. Blue Jeans
4. One black sock
5. One white sock
6. bra.
7. panties...


1. Woke up to my favorite song on the radio.
2. Called someone an Ass.
3. Looked through my blog for comments
4. Changed two people to "Don't answer 4, and Don't answer 5" on my phone.
5. Laughed with Lisa for 15 minutes straight. my abs hurt.
6. Doing this


1. My sense of humor.
2. My friends.
3. Sweden!
4. My scene with Cameron in the play!
5. My blog.


1. Me
2. Myself
3. I
4. ...did I say Me?


1. Get out of Utah!
2. Do something insane and Crazy.
3. Get as far as I can in fencing.


vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate!! I'm a woman! lol
rock or rap: Rock all the way.


My Farfar...(My Grandpa)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Text Messaging...

I wrote this paper for my english class...I liked it so much I decided to post it. yay!

Jessamyn Svensson
Rich, B1

America the Wireless. The United States has joined the world and jumped on the technological bandwagon. Plasma Screen televisions, computers that now expedite internet connection faster than Speedy Gonzales can say, “Arrrreeba!” MP3/WMA players, iPods, and last and certainly not least, Cell phones: the bane of my high school existence, and a necessary evil…emphasis on the word, ‘evil.’

I’ll admit I own a cell phone, and I use it frequently. It’s the easiest way for me to stay in the loop with my friends, and the most convenient way for my parents to reach me while I’m not at home. There used to be a simpler time when only adults needed to carry around cell phones for business use. Now almost every teenager is equipped with a phone because “The fear of not being in the loop or of missing something is huge.” (qtd. Palenius, the Local) So, because of this, cell phones have become a necessity.

However, “In the ever changing world of communication there are two kinds of people: those who text, and everyone else” (Nevius, 2005). This rapidly growing trend has permeated our society with 90% of teenagers who own a cell phone admitting that they use their phones to text more than to talk (Haig, 2002), turning their phones into a kind of mobile messaging device. And because of this, cell phones are in fact, evil.

You can’t go anywhere these days without seeing people whipping out their cell phones, not to answer an incoming call, rather to carry on a conversation over text messaging (a.k.a. SMS, short messaging service). I can’t set through a whole movie in the theatres anymore without hearing the ‘bzzz bzzz’ of an incoming SMS signal or having the annoying, translucent, electric-blue backlight turn on-and-off whenever someone flips open their phone to answer a text. It’s extremely distracting.

I ashamedly admit that I was one of these people. I was a number in this staggering statistic. I too, was afflicted with, what I like to call, ‘the SMS bug.’ Text messaging was all I used my phone for (aside from the occasional call from my mother to find out where the crap I was). When asked if Text Messaging will replace computers and Instant Messaging, Misuko Ito, a mobile culture researcher/scholar, will replace computers, Ito’s answer was, “No, I think it will replace gum and cigarettes.” (qtd. Nevius, 2005) And boy was she right. I used to send up to 120 text messages or more nearly everyday. It was easy, it was fun, it was also very addicting…there was just something about the “click-click, click clickclick clickidy click-click” when sending a message that was just so satisfying, like some sort of technological drug. It became a part of my everyday life. Not only did I use it to talk with my friends, but also to (shoot me now) “hook-up” with one of my best friends, pathetic I know.

I had liked him for so long, but I was always too scared and unwilling to tell him how I felt, and since SMS, like instant messaging, is non-confrontational, I found the courage I needed to say things to him that I never would have if I was speaking to him face-to-face. I thought, at first, that it was a brilliant idea, until I realized (too late) how detrimental lack of face-to-face communication with him was, not only to our relationship, but to our friendship as well. We never really spoke to each other in person anymore, and conversation in person always felt a little awkward and forced. We went from being best friends, to basically avoiding each other like the plague. I don’t think it helped much that our relationship also ended on a really bad note…over a text message… I’m not the only one who’s made this kind of mistake.

The first time Rachel Clayton, a student at Northwestern University, heard the words, ‘I love you’ from her boyfriend of six months was over a SMS message. “I just sat there and stared at my phone…I couldn’t believe the first time he used those words was over a text.” (Pressner, USA Today, 2006) Many other women have also said that they have had relationships, like mine, that began, flourished, and eventually ended via text message. The problem: because so much of our communication is in the tone, of our voice, how we say things and our body language that a lot becomes lost in translation. So, well meant, personal sentiments become meaningless, and miscommunication occurs. It’s unfortunate, because it’s preventable.

Avoid replacing human contact with impersonal text messages, remember that some things should be saved for direct person-to-person communication, and should never be said over a Text Message.


Work Cited

Haig, M. (2002). Mobile Marketing: The message revolution. London: Kogan Page

Nevius, C.W. (2005). “Time to get hip to text messages”

Pressner, Amanda. (2006). “Can love blossom in a text Message?”

Polenius, Ulla. (2006). The Local (News from Sweden in English).

Monday, February 20, 2006

Something Just Made Sense.

"Sometimes we put up walls.
Not to keep people out,
but to see who cares
enough to knock them down."

Nobody cared enough for me to knock them down.

Forever they will be
accepting the face of change
Nothing, will we be the same?

It's relieving.
It's saddening. (is that a word?)

I've embraced my mask, it's apart of me I will have to fight for the rest of my life.

God, I love a challenge. give 'em hell

Why put my loyalty in others
When I can't expect the same in return.

Why trust others
When they have proven that I can't.

Why waste my time on others
When they have given up on me.

Why waste compassion on others
When they only care about themselves.

You are exactly how you want to be.

"You will never realize
the chances that you missed
because you were too busy
shredding your wings."

Time to start from square one.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

It's like...when you're licking a bunch of wedding invitations and you run out of saliva...

The most frustrating feeling for me in the whole world is when I'm unable to speak my mind. Not in any kind of 'too shy to voice my convictions' sort of way, rather I have so many thoughts running through my head that I want to get out, but I just can't find the words to do it. So they are just festering in my mind... building up. My verbal plumbing is all clogged up, my emotions are backing up, and I'm all out of Draino...

What's even more frustrating is, when I am finally able to spew them out, they makes no sense, it's all incoherant (as illiustrated by the poem-dealy I wrote in my last blog). But to me, it's very cathartic, and that's really all that matters right? Because, it came from my heart, and even if it makes no sense at all, being able to unload even a small portion of what's on my mind...that's wonderful. But I can't seem to be able to reach that feeling as easily as I used to. It's almost a chore, and that's frustrating as hell...

Nothing has ever made me more angry with myself then when I am reduced to nonsensical ramblings. Or even saying something that makes sense, but is just scathing and mean just for the simple fact that I can't think of anything else to say in that moment. For instance; when talking to a guy I think is hot or cute or whatever and throughout the whole conversation my normally witty self has been magically turned into a bumbling idiot. then, three hours later I slap myself on the head and think, "mother eff! I should have said 'this-this-and-this.' grrr.."
OR...when I'm really flustered all I can think of to say is, "shut up you faggot."

I have noticed though that these moments usually ony happen when I let my emotions control what I say, when I lose my 'cool'.....maybe that's why when I confronted a....friend....about being...well, an ass, the only words I could think of were, "Why the hell are you being such a faggot?"

Smooth one Svensson, real smooth.

Is that what having emotional maturity is? Being able to verbalise, civily mind you, your emotions without lashing out? If so...That's one department I need to work on.

I'm over you...stop flattering yourself.

I've moved on, but you think I haven't.
Why? I just want to know why?
You never explained.

I miss our friendship.
But you left, when I needed you
When I needed someone the most

Brutal Honesty: I could never trust you again.
I don't have the emotional endurace.
You've lost it...twice. once more for good.

I want to talk to you, then I remember.
It's just easier to hate me.
How do normal people fix this?

I miss our friendship,
that's what hurts,
But it's not worth it.

I want to talk to you, then I remember.
I have let go.
Now it's your turn.

Brutal Honesty: You won't let it go.
But it's not worth it anymore.
Trying was too trying.

Too taxing.
Too damn hard.

I've said goodbye.
I don't regret it...
It's only appropriate.

my first crush...
my first kiss...
my first heartache.

Brutal Honesty: I hate you.
I didn't before, I loved you, never more.
I hate that it's this way now

No more, more.
Is it really easier to hate?
Was it nothing but empty words?

Don't answer.
I need to know.
Don't...please answer.

I've moved on, I've moved on.
Let me alone.
I loved you, no more.

You left when I needed you.
Don't flatter yourself.
I love more.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Beautiful Train Wreck...

Did it hurt?

No. Because I understand the importance of our actions.

Then why do you cut yourself off from everyone?

*pause* Because I don't want to get hurt again.

So, it does hurt?

Yeah, you could say that.

But is pushing everyone away really helping that pain or is it just making people mad at you?

They're upset and don't understand why, and I can't really explain it to them.

Why not? Maybe that is what will help you through this hard time. Trying to explain what you are feeling to someone, even if it is merely for an outlet of all these bottled up emotions.

I don't know if I'm allowed to feel this way still, or at all for that matter.

And what exactly is it that you are feeling?

Maybe a little bit of bitterness, sadness, or is it regret? Whatever it is, it is aimed at myself, at situations, at the irreversible past...

Is feeling that way helping you through this at all?

No matter what emotion I feel, it doesn't change the fact that I am missing...

Missing what?

A part of me. That's the only way to describe it.

And why is it missing?

Because I let it go, of my own free will. And no matter how much I want it back, I can't have it because it needed more than I could offer. It has moved on without me and while I am forever stuck in the past, it has already found something better. Better than me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough.

I wasn't perfect.

If I were perfect, maybe then I would have deserved to keep this miracle.

But you don't know what the future holds in store for you.

No, I don't. And that is what kills me every second of every day. I don't know if I am just wasting my time, holding on to something that is already impossible. I don't know if there is still hope. I have no idea what is going to happen, and because of that--


Nevermind. It's not important.

Tell me!

I need to let go of that stupid dream. It's never going to happen. Especially not if I am alone in wanting it.

I will believe in it. Tell me.

No. You're not the one I want to believe...

Believe what?!?

That I still love him and hope every day he loves me too. And I miss him more every second. I thought time would make it better but it's not! It only gets worse! And I wish so much that some day, years from now, he will find me again...

But that only happens in fairytales and movies.

Have a little faith, why don't you?

I did...

But it still hurts to breathe. I still cry myself to sleep every night, and sometimes break down during the day if I think about him enough. I still avoid making eye contact with him because I don't want to see his expression, because I can't read it anymore. I used to know his every thought, but now...he keeps me in the dark like everyone else. I'm not special to him anymore! And it's stupid, but I still check him out when his back is turned to me. I have trouble forming sentences when I talk to him because I miss him so much. I drift off in classes, wondering what he is doing, and who he is with. I still have his birthday present in a drawer in my apartment! I never got to give it to him. And even though it's over, I can't throw it away. I keep my phone on all night, wishing he would call because he misses me. Every time it rains, I think of him. And it rains a lot in Seattle. All I can do is stare out my window and wish he were there with me, instead of so far away. Every little thing reminds me of some memory we shared together. I can't drink chocolate milk without bursting into tears! And he knew everything about me and I didn't care because we shared something so perfect, most people never get to experience it in their whole lifetime. It's not fair, Evan! I lost my best friend! That's why I loved him! Because he was my BEST FRIEND! I lost the one person I could tell everything to! He understood me better than anyone ever has!! HE LOVED ME!

. . .

He loved me.

Past tense...

. . .

I will never get to see that love in his eyes again. I will never see him smile at me when he thinks I'm not looking. I will never feel his arms around me, holding me close, protecting me, reluctant to let go. I will never hear him call me "baby" again. I will never hear him sing to me, when we are alone, driving in his car.

I will never, ever hear him tell me he loves me again. It's all over. And I don't know why I'm still holding on so tightly. Because it seems to me that we have no chance anymore for a future together. It was the right thing to let him go. I hate that it was the right thing to do.

Because it is that thought, that robs me of my faith and hope.

Just because it is the right thing now, doesn't mean that it will be five years from now.

True. But how long can I wait for him? How long can I endure this bitter pain? And if I do manage to hold on, what's making him hold on too? I'm not the one he wants to spend forever with.

You don't know that!

No...I guess I don't. But I will never know, now will I? Because I'm not a part of his world anymore. And time will make him forget me.


He deserves to move on. Sometimes, I prayed he would always love me...but that's not fair to him. He deserves happiness and a peace of mind.

For him. It's all for him. I love him so much, that I will give up all of my dreams. He deserves a perfect life...without me.

I will pray for him to forget me...

-A Beautiful Train Wreck, I didn't write

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Good ol' Michelle Dowdle...

"that's my chair damn it! see the SVENSSON on the back?"

"I thought your name was 'swensson'" *slap*

"now go get me an espresso"


okay so Laughter is pretty much the best medicine ever.

Monday, February 06, 2006

The True Definition of Art...

I had a moment today where I was listening to some music and the lyrics just jumped out and hit me like a freight train. It was beautiful. I've only rarely been affected by a piece of art this much before. It made me think about what art really is. What do others consider art? And why is it that only certain pieces of art can affect certain people?

Art, now adays, in all forms is seldom appreciated and often treated with disdain, contempt, and ridicule. This is a damn shame. Let's take music for instance. It's poetry. That's exactly what it is, yet the people I see hooked up to their I Pods or MP3 players are the ones who give poetry the hardest rap. "Oh man this is so boring! I don't understand the metaphors or anything...this is stupid I don't know how people can read this crap." Why is it that they are able to listen, understand, and apppreciate the metaphors in music as opposed to regular poetry?

I realised that it's the music itself that is what gives the words a lasting impression on the listener. Lyrics seem more profound and meaningful when sung. Even then, only certain songs really reach out and touch us. Same with Visual Art, like paintings, ceramics, blown glass. etc. No matter how many pieces of art you see in a gallery there are only few that really stand out in your mind, and for one reason or another really struck a cord with you. I believe that is what art really is.

An artist once told me, "it doesn't matter how many people pass by my art without so much as a second glance, if only one person out of the multitude stops to look...then I have succeeded. I have made a connection with that person, even if it's unintentional. Now they are going to go home and be forced to think about what they saw." That one person was able to appreciate what others just dismissed as, "another piece of art..." I've learned that you have to be able to connect and feel something from the art. For that reason not all art can be appreciated as it should be by everyone, rather all art can be appreciated as it should be by someone.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

There's something seriously wrong with Driven Parents...

I'm disgusted...

Seriously sickened by Sports Parents. I mean, you know there's something wrong when the parents on the side lines are more red faced, tight lipped, and over-all more pissed off at a call made by the refferee than the coach or even yet, their children. It's even sadder when the ref becomes verbally abused by said parents...especially when the refferee is me!

I had to refferee for a Fencing tournament on Saturday. It was pretty much the worst experience of my life. Not only for the reason that I spent three hours of my Saturday saying, "attack is parried, counter-parry-reposte, touch left....attack is no counter attack arrives touch right...attack into preparation touch...simulataneous action no touch..." etc. I was getting screamed at by the parents of these poor 10 and 12 year old fencers who really don't care if they really get the touch or not. It was ridiculous...and not to mention Scary.

The first time I got yelled at I had to give a red card to this little chinese boy for covering target area...the parents yelled at, is sounded something like, "chang pow-mai! chang pow mai! why you do tha! me-ho mai doobidy doo!" Once you get one yellow card any consecutive card recieved for the same offense is a red card which is an automatic touch for your oppenent.

The second time I got yelled at it was the anchor-bout between Utah Valley vs. School House Fencing. I called the touch, "attack from the right is no, attack from the left, then the remise, touch left." The parents of this poor girl flipped out so much. They just screamed at me and yelled and yelled, because what THEY saw was attack no, second intention, counter attack, touch right...It was scary. And it pissed me off so much. Grrrr...

I wasn't only pissed off because they were yelling at me, I was pissed off because they were yelling at their little kids! OH MY....FREAKING GOD! Alright let me tell you something about ten year old fencers. They really don't care about winning, they care more about having fun. The kids weren't even upset until their parents started yelling at me for calling the touch 'wrong'.

So parents reading this blog, if you have children involved in sports and you do what I just described...I will hunt you down and like.......freaking black card you!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Sweet Surrender...

I'm on the verge of a cathartic release

Have you ever felt that way? When something is just out of your reach? It's just about to click, I can see it. basically reach out and touch it, but everytime I try it alludes me. What am I missing? What is the last piece of the puzzle?

...something is about to make sense...