Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Beautiful Train Wreck...

Did it hurt?

No. Because I understand the importance of our actions.

Then why do you cut yourself off from everyone?

*pause* Because I don't want to get hurt again.

So, it does hurt?

Yeah, you could say that.

But is pushing everyone away really helping that pain or is it just making people mad at you?

They're upset and don't understand why, and I can't really explain it to them.

Why not? Maybe that is what will help you through this hard time. Trying to explain what you are feeling to someone, even if it is merely for an outlet of all these bottled up emotions.

I don't know if I'm allowed to feel this way still, or at all for that matter.

And what exactly is it that you are feeling?

Maybe a little bit of bitterness, sadness, or is it regret? Whatever it is, it is aimed at myself, at situations, at the irreversible past...

Is feeling that way helping you through this at all?

No matter what emotion I feel, it doesn't change the fact that I am missing...

Missing what?

A part of me. That's the only way to describe it.

And why is it missing?

Because I let it go, of my own free will. And no matter how much I want it back, I can't have it because it needed more than I could offer. It has moved on without me and while I am forever stuck in the past, it has already found something better. Better than me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough.

I wasn't perfect.

If I were perfect, maybe then I would have deserved to keep this miracle.

But you don't know what the future holds in store for you.

No, I don't. And that is what kills me every second of every day. I don't know if I am just wasting my time, holding on to something that is already impossible. I don't know if there is still hope. I have no idea what is going to happen, and because of that--


Nevermind. It's not important.

Tell me!

I need to let go of that stupid dream. It's never going to happen. Especially not if I am alone in wanting it.

I will believe in it. Tell me.

No. You're not the one I want to believe...

Believe what?!?

That I still love him and hope every day he loves me too. And I miss him more every second. I thought time would make it better but it's not! It only gets worse! And I wish so much that some day, years from now, he will find me again...

But that only happens in fairytales and movies.

Have a little faith, why don't you?

I did...

But it still hurts to breathe. I still cry myself to sleep every night, and sometimes break down during the day if I think about him enough. I still avoid making eye contact with him because I don't want to see his expression, because I can't read it anymore. I used to know his every thought, but now...he keeps me in the dark like everyone else. I'm not special to him anymore! And it's stupid, but I still check him out when his back is turned to me. I have trouble forming sentences when I talk to him because I miss him so much. I drift off in classes, wondering what he is doing, and who he is with. I still have his birthday present in a drawer in my apartment! I never got to give it to him. And even though it's over, I can't throw it away. I keep my phone on all night, wishing he would call because he misses me. Every time it rains, I think of him. And it rains a lot in Seattle. All I can do is stare out my window and wish he were there with me, instead of so far away. Every little thing reminds me of some memory we shared together. I can't drink chocolate milk without bursting into tears! And he knew everything about me and I didn't care because we shared something so perfect, most people never get to experience it in their whole lifetime. It's not fair, Evan! I lost my best friend! That's why I loved him! Because he was my BEST FRIEND! I lost the one person I could tell everything to! He understood me better than anyone ever has!! HE LOVED ME!

. . .

He loved me.

Past tense...

. . .

I will never get to see that love in his eyes again. I will never see him smile at me when he thinks I'm not looking. I will never feel his arms around me, holding me close, protecting me, reluctant to let go. I will never hear him call me "baby" again. I will never hear him sing to me, when we are alone, driving in his car.

I will never, ever hear him tell me he loves me again. It's all over. And I don't know why I'm still holding on so tightly. Because it seems to me that we have no chance anymore for a future together. It was the right thing to let him go. I hate that it was the right thing to do.

Because it is that thought, that robs me of my faith and hope.

Just because it is the right thing now, doesn't mean that it will be five years from now.

True. But how long can I wait for him? How long can I endure this bitter pain? And if I do manage to hold on, what's making him hold on too? I'm not the one he wants to spend forever with.

You don't know that!

No...I guess I don't. But I will never know, now will I? Because I'm not a part of his world anymore. And time will make him forget me.


He deserves to move on. Sometimes, I prayed he would always love me...but that's not fair to him. He deserves happiness and a peace of mind.

For him. It's all for him. I love him so much, that I will give up all of my dreams. He deserves a perfect life...without me.

I will pray for him to forget me...

-A Beautiful Train Wreck, I didn't write


Alex Iskandar said...

Having loved and lost is an experience ... at first it does hit you like a ton of bricks or as how you have illustrated, Jessy, a trainwreck. But it's good that you are able to write this emotions out ... that's the first step in healing ... realisation. You'll be okay, Jessy. Trust me on that ... I've been down similar roads. It's not pretty, it's rough and we can't make sense of it all but we get better (and stronger and wiser) ;-)

The Short One said...

hehehe...yyyyes... it is very good of you to be able to write this....*ehem*

because i didn't help my friend Lauren write this screenplay AT ALL.

oh wait... you! and i am here to talk if you ever need it.

thesexyswede said...

yeah I totally didn't write this......heh heh heh.... BUT...

It like, applied to I liked it and put in on my bloooog.

Brynifred said...

Whoa, I think it applies to me too. Im not gonna say that I know how you feel, or perhaps just how that person feels, but I will say this,

I feel like I just lost my best friend. He saw a side of me he wasnt ready for and he got scared. I cant say I blame him. I am a little psycho deep down.

I dont mean, "haha bryns crazy!" kind of psycho, I mean I actually have insane thoughts. I scare myself sometimes.

Point is, I didnt mean to let him see that side yet and he did and I havent talked to him for two days and I used to talk to him all day long every day. From 5am to Midnight every stinking day! And now its gone...*sigh*

thesexyswede said... sucks sucks hard core.

Did you talk to him all day everyday over text messaging? (just curious, I'm doing some research on this topic.)