Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Don't let it Win...

We've all heard the anecdote about the little boy who was told by his mother to not touch the fire because it would burn him, and despite the warning touches the fire anyways and gets burned.

Why do people do this? It's because pain is a growning experience.

We know it's wrong, we know their are consequences but we do it anyway, because for some reason we can't just accept a, "Don't touch the fire it'll burn you." We have to experience the heat for ourselves, we have to feel the pain...see the blister, and then even though we know it'll leave a scare if we pick at the blister we do it anyway...because we need that reminder of the pain we went through so we won't make the same mistake again.

Sometimes we let the pain beat us, we let it change us. We let what happened take over our lives and we try so hard to avoid that pain that we forget who we are, we forget the people we care about, and we forget how to live... Instead of growing, and learning from the experience, we let the pain become a block, an obstacle... Fight it

"Why do we fall? So that we can pick ourselves back up..."

Friday, December 16, 2005

It was a Friday Night and I was restless...

I want to punch something...Infact, I want to do more than just punch something. That's just the beginning of the list of stupid things I want to do just...because it's stupid.

I want to do something so incredibly idiotic that there is no going back...I want to scream, and....steal my parents car to take on a joy ride. I wanna...go to a rave and O.D. on Ecstacy. I want to get wasted and, and punch something or someone in the middle of a drunken rage, though that'll never happen because I'd probably be a cheerful drunk....I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay with my life, that everything is perfect. I want to yell out to the world that I'm not the person they think I am...I want to rip off this label, tear down this facade, break this porclein skinned mask of who everyone thinks I am and just...live a reckless and stupid life...

I can't do any of these things however...because I'll be letting down those close to me...Does it seem to anyone else that it's always the ones you care for, and love the most end up being the ones you hurt the most? I can't just....leave all of you. Because that's what I'll be doing if I choose that kind of life. I will always be there for you guys. When I help out a friend, or do something good like make you laugh or just be there for you to have a shoulder to cry on....that makes my day. It's the little ray of hope I have in the turmoil I've been going through. You, my friends, are what keep me going. You, my family, are what keep me from the edge, from the bleak existance that waits before me if I drop my guard.

I hate myself sometimes, I can't even stand looking at my reflection because of the lie I see there, but I do, everyday I look in the mirror and tell myself to suck it up, there are other people out there in this world going through more crap than you ever could have, and you're letting this control your life? Yeah, you went through some bad shit as a child, but that gives you no excuse to be such a hypocrite...and it shouldn't be this way...it shouldn't, because I'm stronger than this But it, sadly, is the way it is.

Everyone has there bad days right? Don't let this get me down right? How can I not let this get me down when I have no idea who me really is? I've come too close to ruining one of the most important friendships I've ever had in my life, because of the way I am. I push people away when I want them to be close... I let people know so little about me, because I'm scared that when they find out who I am, when they find out how much of a hypocrite I am, they will leave me...to face the harsh reality of the world and take care of myself, alone...I'm taking a huge risk posting this blog...but please don't hate me I need you...No matter what I say, or how emphatically I say it...please please don't abandon me.

I refuse to give up, I'm a fighter damnit...but I'm not strong enough to fight it alone

Saturday, December 10, 2005


Okay...now let us analyse why it was so goo...(because if I didn't Mr. Rich wouldn't give me credit for my blogs :D)

Okay I do have to admit, I am very biased when it comes to this movie, like I would have liked it even if it had sucked because first of all I love the books and because the idea of Narnia is so cool man!...honestly who wouldn't want to find a magical world inside their own closet? (this is the part when the little kid inside of you jumps up and down saying, "oh me! I would! yay!") And C.S. Lewis tapped right into that child inside all of us when he wrote these books.

The story of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is that of Forgiveness through Sacrific, as demonstrated in one scene that is a not too subtle "rip-off" of the Crucifixtion of Jesus Christ (I'm going to hell for that one...). However This is not the only reference to Jesus, God, or Satan in the story. The entire book/movie is knee deep in Christian Mythology. One striking example is when Jadis, the Ice Queen of Narnia, claims Edmund's life is forfeit and belongs to her because of the Treachery he has commited, an allusion to Satan's claim on the souls of sinners after death without the intervention of God. Through Aslan's self sacrific in the afore mentioned "Crucifixtion Scene" Edmund's sin of betrayal was expunged, and he is permitted to live.

The movie, while stayed very very true to the origional story line of the book, still took a few liberties and changed a lot of the motivation for the characters. For instance, in the book Peter, Lucy, and Susan are all "gung-ho!" for going and saving the land of Narnia without, it seems, a second thought as to what the repercussions might be. Which doesn't make that much sense considering that the whole story takes place while England is in the middle of World War II...you'd think that they would be a tad more, I don't know, weary of trouble/battle/odd countries in old professor's wardrobes? The movie does a better job at expressing the concern that Peter, Lucy, and Susan have for the fact that there seems to be a magical country that defies all logic in their new guardian's wardrobe, and their urgency to find their missing brother, Edmund.

Another change they made that I was very happy for was that the battle scene took place in the daylight, which, I'll admit, did detract from the believability of the Computer Graphics, but was a refreshing contrast from most other epic battle sequences. The Soundtrack was amazing, and definetly did it's job in caprturing the emotions of the specific scene as well as manipulating your own (I was nearly brought to tears at one point in the film just because of the music alone). The Cinematography was both enriching and disapointing. It was very basic, but tastefully done, except for the random shots that I like to call, "Odes to Lord of the Rings" during the battle sequence.

I was impressed with which new comers Georgie Henley (Lucy), Skandar Keynes (Edmund), Anna Popplewell (Susan), and the oddly attractive William Moseley (Peter) were able to portray the innocence with the quirky brittish charm that made this such a great children's movie. I admit I was severely disapointed when I learned that actor Brian Cox was not going to be doing to voice of Aslan but, rather, Liam Neeson. I wasn't let down, Aslan was still as Majestic as ever.

The thing that really sort of...chaped me the most, was that all of the children seemed so...inept with their weapons. Lucy is what 6 years old? She shouldn't have been given a weapon anyway. Susan had the "I'm cool 'cause I have a bow and arrow." attitude, and both Peter and Edmund just seemed really awkward with their swords...They all seemed really awkward. What I'm saying is if you can't use them, don't try. Or at least rehearse more until you feel comfortable holding them.

Okay now I'm rambling...To make a long essay short (too late for that) The movie was great, the acting was great, the story is great, Aslan is my hero, William Moseley is attractive (even though he can't carry a sword), and God bless C.S. Lewis! I'd give this movie four and a half stars out of five, and I highly recommend that everyone watch it.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Just Tell Me Lies...

I took a chance it was a mistake

I made the choice it wasn't worth it

No matter what anybody tells me.....It was all my fault

Sunday, November 20, 2005

...The Road Less Traveled...

I find myself walking one path, but constantly wishing I took the other...but then again if I had taken the other path I would have been thinking about where this path would have led me...

I don't think I'm ready for what this might lead me to, the longer I stay on it the more lost I feel, the more...insecure about myself I feel and I know that if I continue forever on this path I'll just end up stumbling and getting cut somehow, but for now I'm content...the other way though I...I don't even know about the other way...whether I'll get hurt or not...

Is that a risk I'm willing to take? I think so

Will it make all the difference? maybe

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Monday, November 14, 2005

...I'm fine...

"Are You Happy Now?"

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths
and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame
cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

...On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams...well more like a boat...Boat of Broken Dreams....Damn hole.

There are things that I want to do with my life. Things I want to accomplish, the only problem is that it's just not happening fast enough... I'm not a perfectionist, and God knows I'm far from perfect (and I'm fine with that) However, when I dedicate myself to something, I stick with it, and I'm NEVER satisfied with the end results; I'm always pushing myself to be better, pushing myself to work harder, and what bothers me is that it seems the harder I work to achieve something the harder it is to actually reach it.

...I'm in a row boat in the middle of a lake... I can see my dreams carved into the side of the boat, they are what support me, keep me moving and motivated to reach the other side. The only problem is I have this huge whole in my boat... I have to keep rowing, have to keep pushing, have to keep on living, but I can't because I HAVE A FREAKIN' HOLE IN MY DAMN BOAT! and the water just keeps pouring in faster than I can pail it out. If I don't fix it, if I just keep on letting the water in, there goes my dreams, and I'll just be stranded out in the middle of a lake...

I'm at a moment in my life where I should just Shut Up and Live I should just listen to the little Sousa in my head, but there's something inside me, something keeping me from just moving on...

I should figure out what it is...

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Wait, when did, who with the, how......What?

I realised today that I'm a hypocrite

I've never been more confused in my entire life. I know why I'm so confused too, it's because I'm over complicating things by thinking about them too much. Everything is much more simple than I think they are, but I can't help but over complicate them because I just can't except that they can be just that easy... I've over-analyzed, over-critiqued, and over-dramatized every aspect of my life. Why have I done this?

good question...

Monday, October 03, 2005

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Epee freaking SUCKS! blllaaahhhh
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aahhh Jon Ott...how I miss thee, let me count the ways....
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look at how WHITE I AM! hahaha Posted by Picasa
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woot! I'm hot....and sweaty hahaha!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

High School Relationships: Doomed to Fail...

The more and more I think about High School relationships, the more dumb I think teenagers are...Why is it that High School relationships usually end up failing? What mistake(s) are we teenagers making that lead to the inevitable, "You're breaking up with me?!?"

One big mistake is the most common one that we hear from adults; mistaking lust for love. It's true, cliche, but true. It's a common fact that teenage hormones are haywire. We have all these new feelings and do know how to control them, so we let our hormones get the best of us. So we find ourselves getting into a relationship, not for companionship, but for wild make-out sessions instead. Since so much time is spent making out instead of talking, only after we finally control the feelings of lust inside that we discover we really don't like the person we are dating, therefore leading to another painful, awkward break-up.

The second most common mistake made by high-schoolers goes hand-in-hand with mistaking lust for love. Rushing. Because of all these new feelings, and our inability to define and seperate one from another, we rush into things. Rather than taking the time to get to know the person, we act on our physical attraction to them. And if we're not rushing a relationship purely because of physical attraction, we are rushing it because we think we're mature enough to handle being in a commited, serious relationship. While I do realise there are people who have ended up being happily married to their high school sweet hearts, the majority of teenagers are most definetly not emotionally ready.

High School relationships should not be hot and passionate. That only leads to baaaad things, like pregnancy, emotional pain, and more teen-angst than seems humanly possible. What they should be is cute and awkward. You should have the awkward moment where you go to a movie and play the (what I like to call) "Hand Holdin' Game." You should have the, "Oh does he like me, does he not like me?" moments of panic. They should treat you like a princess/prince, and not like their possession, they should respect your opinion, and not shoot it down, and if you say no, then they should respect that...These are what should happen, but unfortunately what doesn't happen in High School Relationships, and that's why they are Doomed to Fail.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Theatre is my passion. It's what I live for, and what I come to school for...or so I thought. It's what I planned to do after I graduated. I was going to go to Southern Utah University, and master in Theatre. I was going to become a High School Drama Teacher...at least, that's what I was going to do. Until I woke up one morning and asked myself what the point of pretending to be someone else was exactly? Did I do it because I like to entertain? Did I do it because I thought it was fun? Or was it because I didn't like who I was, and I wanted to be someone else? And the answer made me sick. I'm a pathalogical liar, to myself and others all because I can't deal with the real world.

So if that's not what I want to do, then what is? It's terrifying to not have the answers.

My life is changing. Drastically. Things that I thought were important, now seem moot. Things that I didn't really care about, things I didn't think would be important in my life are now suddenly major determining factors in my life. I had my life planned out, I knew what I was going to do and how I would do it. Now, my scrupulous planning, it seems, was all for naught. It's scary. I feel out of control; my foot is stuck on the accelerator of the Car o' Life, I'm careening, swerving in and out having to dodge traffic, and all I can do is hold on to the wheel and pray to God that I survive.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Corrupting Power of Ambition...


It's a perplexing word. While we know that power often leads to corruption, at the same time it's the thing we strive for most as a human being. Perfection, for some reason means power, money, luxury...but sometimes the things we strive for the most, become our undoing. In order to gain something humans will go to great lengths in order to do so. Often falling into a trap of lying, cheating, manipulating, and, in extreme cases, resorting to murder in order to satisfy our voracious hunger for power.

There is no better example of this than the play Macbeth. Like in most of Shakespeare's Tragedy/Histories, we see the main characters, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, become so engrossed in the trap that they are willing to commit treason, heresy, and murder to quench their insatiable thirst for power. Which ultimately leads to their demise.

After their brutal betrayal of King Duncan, Macbeth's surreptitious murder of Banquo, and the ruthless slaughter of Macduff's family; it seemed that there wasn't anything that was going to stand in their way of the throne. One little betrayal here, five murders there and BAM the throne is free for the taking. It sounds good right?

Wrong. The problem is that once you use violence to feed your hunger for power, it's hard to stop. As the play progresses, and the bloodshed continues you witness both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth slip further into madness: Lady Macbeth, out of guilt, Macbeth, out of a drive to prove that his actions had merit. He was possessed by greed, corrupted by his ambition for power, and driven mad by his tyranical actions.

This play begs the question...Do the ends really justify the means? Was self jusification for their actions really worth it in the end? Or was their relentless ambition inevitably another path to Hell?

Friday, September 02, 2005

Thank you...

Thank you for everything.

There is no one way to sit down and thank everyone for everything that they've done for me...there is no one way to tell all of you how much I appreciate each and every one of you, so I'm just sending out a blanket 'thank you' to all of you.

Thank you for everything.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Something Applicable...

Oookkkayy this started out as a comment on Emily's blog, but it became so big that I just decided to make it a blog of it's own...

I hate when people get invovled in other people's love lives and stuff it's frustrating...and relationships are private man! I might make a lot of enemies by saying this, but frankly, right now I don't care. What in God's name gives people the right to speculate and gossip about what might or might not be going on between you and someone else? Honestly, if that person WANTED you to know, they would tell you, and even then it doesn't give you the right to go spread the word. If I wanted to tell someone something it would be like one really good friend who I know will keep my secret and NOT spread it around, but all of a sudden I'm not sure who I can trust anymore...

But what really frustrates me is when people gather in small groups and SPECULATE about everything...I mean (okay I realize that I'm getting on my soap box here, but it needs to be said) Look at the freakin' tabloids at the store, and magazines covered with the latest gossip about celebs and their personal lives, would YOU like it if all of a sudden everyone knew EVERYTHING about you, and most of the time the information is incorrect? I don't know about you, but that would really piss me off.

So why do people do it?

This is sort of blowing things out of proportion, but like...that's exactly what's been going on lately, but on a smaller high school level...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk...

You have to be willing to lose something in order to gain something...

That's how it always is isn't it? You have to be willing to lay your pride out on the line when you go up on strip. You have to accept defeat in order to gain glory. You have to be willing to suffer great heartache and loss when you give someone your heart...EVERY decision we make has a lasting consequence, whether the consequence is positive or negative we have to learn to live with it.

What if you don't want to suffer? What if you don't want to have to deal with heartache? What if you don't want to have to lose? All you want is for things to go your way?...Wouldn't we all just love to have life go our way? Well Life isn't perfect. If you want to learn something, ANYTHING from this life you have to risk something.

And this, my friends, is why I am such a coward...and there really is no way to...I guess, articulate what I'm trying to say... I have set myself up for so much pain, and awkwardness...and I'm wondering if it's worth it, this is such a pessimistic view on this but I can't help but wonder in the end, when it's all over, when I look back...Will it be worth it?

Friday, August 12, 2005


I'm going on a date in an hour and I bought a shirt to wear....

it's hideous...I mean it looked good at the store, but now....uuggghhh

I have a bad feeling about this shirt.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Brian.. yes i know theres a typo...

Which Family Guy Character Are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm not sure how accurate this is but it's funny :D

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

So long and thanks for all the fish...

I went and saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Sunday evening (bloddy awesome movie by the way) and there was this one line that just sort of like...popped up and bit me in the ass..."If I had said yes to you, we wouldn't be here right now...just thought that might mean something..."

Everthing is so interconnected...If my mother hadn't taken fencing in High School, I wouldn't be fencing now. If I hadn't decided to take a chance on theatre in Junior High I would have never met You guys, If I hadn't met you guys I wouldn't have learned everything I have from you...I wouldn't be the person I am today...and because of that, because of your influence on me I have influenced someone else...sort of passed the torch..for want of a better phrase..onto others who then go out and influence more and so on and so forth...

There really is no such thing as a coincidence...

Sunday, July 24, 2005


So everyone knows that I am retarded when it comes to identifying my own emotions, but I realised something last night...(oh by the way sorry for ditching you guys again lol)

This feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach since Nationals...I thought was nervousness because, chh that would make sense, but then...it didn't make sense because it felt so different from the times I KNEW that I was nervous...this feeling was more like a soaring sensation...

So I was hanging out with some of my fencing friends last night and one of them said something really funny and I just laughed, a genuine, uninhibited, hearty laugh...it was awesome! and I realised that the feeling I've had was happiness, complete contentment, joy...

Life Is Good :D

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Fine, you were right...again...

I stand firmly by my statement of being the biggest coward I've ever met...

I recently got back from California for Summer Nationals for fencing and...it was so...surreal. I mean, it's like it never happened. I sit here at the computer blogging, just like I did before I left...it's kind of sad really, I just went back to my old life, nothing has changed, but did I except something to change? okay okay, yes ALOT changed, but I still feel so...detached from everything y'know?

It's like I'm watching my life rather than living it. Like it's a movie and I'm just a spectator with a bag of popcorn and a 46 ounce Coca Cola...but I don't WANT to feel this way, I want to FEEL like I'm living. I miss that feeling. I read other people's blogs and they are like, "go out and live life to the fullest." "Don't take anything for granted." "Live every minute like it was your last." "Always tell people that you love them." yadda yadda yadda...and I've tried, but I don't feel like I've succeeded because it seems no matter how hard I try I'm still floating. floating (and I'm not talking about the after effects of nyquil) from experience to experience and not learning anything because I can't FEEL anything...

At Nationals I got to feel again, and it was the most liberating experience of my life. To feel fear, joy, sadness, anger, love, frustration. To go from jubilant, and care free one minute, to being disapointed and flustered the next...it was beautiful...

I just wish (there's that word again) I could FEEL more often...

Monday, July 11, 2005

And we have a winner...

Looooong story short...after much deliberation guy2 has emerged the victor...:D

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

...I'm REALLY gonna need it...

I'm going to California for Fencing Nationals in....like 5 hours. Which means that I might not be able to get a computer to blog, so this is pretty much going to be it for like...a week or two...I'd like to say a few things to people before I go:

Lisa/Priscilla- thanks for the gaff tape (I probably spelled that wrong but, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn...) it will come in handy :D

Tasha- You are the coolest Asian, thanks for the adventures

Sousa- You inspire those around you more than you know...and I want my whale...faggot...;) and if you are good, I might let you stab Merkley.

Emily- I luff you! next time ben calls, just hang up ;)

Chase- We need to play more.

Shmoo- I'll see you when I get to cali man! and it'll rawk! wooohooo

Mollie- If I die, you can have my penguin.

Jenesse- I'm really p.o.ed that we haven't played all this summer, and we need to!! grrr....

I'm done now...so if I missed anyone...I don't really care because I'm sleepy and I still have to pack so screw you. But Seriously...I love you guys and I'll miss you while I'm gone.

WISH ME GOOD LUCK...I'm gonna need it. ohhhh yesss...If you gave me your cell phone numbers I will give you a call while I'm in California.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Moments That Make My Life Worth Living...

"Are you still fencing?"


"Have you been crying?"


"Well, if it makes you feel any better I've been crying too."

"That actually does make me feel better."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Keep it up Jessy you almost made up all our points in the past 2 minutes."

"What's our goal?"

"30 touches."

"Okay, I can do that."

*over a microphone* "Jessy's my hero!"

"You guys are dumb!"

* * * * * * * * * *

"Let's bring a blanket to the venue so we can sleep in between the events"

"But we only have one blanket."

"ohh...well you have your pillow, we can just share the blanket."

"OR...we can steal the hotel blanket..."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah." --no--

"It's alright, he's just a wierd one to fence"

"No...I'm just stupid is all."

"No you're not. Don't beat yourself up, I'm proud of you. You were able to calm yourself down and get some good ones in, not alot of people are able to do that."

"But, it wasn't enough..."

"That's alright, what matters is that you figured it out and you learned from this, take what you learned and remember it for the next time you fence."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Why aren't you fencing Open Foil?"

"Because I just want to do one event today."

"Oh come on! there's no way we are letting you sit out on foil."

"Garrett, Brett...no, there is no way you you two are getting me to do foil today. I want to have time to sleep and just watch you guys fence, I did all the foil I wanted to yesterday."

"You're not still beating yourself up..."


"Okay then, you're doing foil."

"GUYS....................fine, you guys are--"

"Dumb, we know."

Saturday, June 11, 2005

If Wishes Were Fishes the World Would be a Slimey Mess...

I wish I could take everything back...
I wish to be profound...
I wish I was a better Fencer...
I wish for my Daddy...
I wish I wasn't so selfish...
I wish I had the courage to stand up for EVERYTHING I believe in...
and I wish I could tell each one of you EXACTLY how much you mean to me.

At work today I realised how...fleeting... life really is. Oh, for all who don't know, I work with Children that have behavioral problems at Wasatch Mental Health. I work with 5 to 6 year olds I was playing tick tack toe on the play ground with one of the little boys...he won and looked up at me, with his big, innocent, blue eyes and realisation just jumped out and knocked all the air out of me...I was his age yesterday...

I know I'm only 16 and I still have my entire life ahead of me, but the years slipped by so fast and I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all. I feel like those 16 years have gone to waste. Have a lived my life to the fullest? Have I been a good person? Have I been of any signifgance to anyone? Is there even a point to my existance? Will I be remembered tomorrow? When I die? Or will I just become a distant memory lurking in the reccesses of your minds?

I don't want to become a faded memory...I want people to be able to find a picture of me in their yearbooks and think to themselves, "She was one of the best people I ever knew..." not, "oh she was funny," or, "yeah, she was cool." I hate it because I know that sounds selfish...

I wish I could just go on living without thinking about this...
I wish I knew what I truly believed in...
I wish I had the strength to forget my problems and carry your pains...
I wish...I wish...I wish...

Nothing will ever come out of wishing, but I don't have the courage to do anything but wish.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Confusing Effing Sucks

Alright....how to describe how I'm feeling....hmmm....okay let's say you go to the mall or something and you see something that you really want in the window of your favorite store...or maybe not your favorite store but you still see something that you really want, and you say to yourself, "I really want that..infact someday that WILL be mine...oh yes, it WILL be mine..." So you save up alllll your money, you don't spend your paychecks for like two weeks then you run to the store with the money in your grubby little hand and you're JUST about to buy it...

Then you stop and think....is it really worth it?...was it worth aalll that waiting and aaaalll that effort...? Is this REALLY what I want?

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I know that hate is a strong word but....

I was at Walmart this morning and I ran into my step mother...

I was shocked to realise how much I hate her. When I saw her, my emotiions went from surprise to loathing within almost a fraction of a second, and it really socked me, I hate her so much all of the pain she has caused my family, every single bad memory of her I've ever had sprang unbidden to my mind and the strongest feeling of hate, and rage...words really can't express the exact degree of detestation I felt well up inside of me when I saw this woman. I didn't know I was capable of having so much anger directed at one person, especially since it's been almost two years since I last saw her and...my little brother.

I know that I don't know a lot about my dad, I know that I will never understand why he did some of the things he did, like Marrying Sherie, because I wasn't old enough to have known him for long before he died, and the memories I do have of him are so vague...and only a select few are untarnished by time. But what I do know of him was that he was a good man, a good man that had problems. When my parents got a divorce it began amiably, they still had a salvagable friendship, but then he marrid Sherie and...being the manipulative witch she was...she was able to control my dad...she felt like my dad's love was a trophy that you had to win, it became a sick game she played with not only my mother, but with me and my brtohers and sisters, he couldn't love my mother in anyway anymore, not even as a friend, because he had to love her unconditionally and he couldn't love his children anymore because she was more important, it was never "You have to love Nathan more," no it was, "You have to love ME more"

Sherie has kept me and my family from seeing our only little brother for the longest time, the only times that we get to see him is when members of the Svensson family come to visit, and she wants to keep up a good front for them, like "Oh we have a good relationship even though I'm the reason Pam's kids no longer have a dad, I refuse to let my son have any kind of relationship with his only brothers and sisters, and oh, I forgot, I contributed to the reason why Sven commit suicide but I really don't give a flying fuck, because I'm a cold, selfish, BITCH!" She treats Nathan like he's a little boy, whenever she goes out he has to have a baby sitter, he has to be in bed by 9 o'clock, and he can't have friends over at all unless it's a special occasion...HE'S 13 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Each time I see her I think, "You are the reason I have no Daddy, you are the cause of all this pain in my life and in the lives of those I love, you are the reason I will never know what it's like to have a whole family...You are the reason I have no Daddy...and, for that, I can never forgive you."

Monday, May 30, 2005

you know this is entirely appropriate...

yeeeahhh I'm cat woman....and...I played a cat....lord I hope Sousa doesn't see this.

You Are Catwoman

"Life's a bitch. Now so am I."

What Superheroine Are You?

I am 46% Evil Genius.
I Want to be Evil!
I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.

I am 46% Evil Genius.

I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

blahblahblahaaahh black sheep...

okay so my title has nothing to do with my actual blog....well the first part did, then it reminded me of bah bah black sheep...and that's when everything fell apart. okay so the noise...it was brought upon by my currently sticky situation...I shouldn't even be making a blog about this, because it's just going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I'm about to go insane if I don't write it down somewhere, and nobody ever reads my blog, so it'a all good....

okay, since basically anyone who is going to read this already knows who these guys are...I'm still going to give them names...guy1, and guy2.

okay so everyone who knows me well knows that I have had this thing on and off for guy1 for a while now, and I think that he's beginning to like me back, which is good because I've liked him for so long...now this is where guy2 gets involved, I like guy2...alot (but I like guy1 more) and well he's being more....blatant about his feelings toward me than guy1...what it comes down to is this; I won't try anything with guy2 if I know I have a chance with guy1, but I don't KNOW if I have a chance with guy1, I just THINK that I might, and I don't KNOW if guy1 is going to get his butt in gear and just DO something about his feelings toward me (if he has any)because he knows that I like him, or if he's going to just stick with droolng over what he can't get. In the mean time I don't want to lead guy2 into believing there might be a chance for something between us, but if guy1 doesn't do anything, he's going to lose his chance because I'm jsut going to give up on him and go for guy2.....!

wow...writing that down really helped...

Monday, April 04, 2005

Okay so I was checking my email today aaaaannnddd...

One of my friends sent me this lame ass forward that just ticked me off. I read it and was like, "oh fu bi! whoever sent this is a whoe bag! go da!"

"You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say "IN GOD WE TRUST," The law, they say, is being violated. Anyway, I heard proposed on a radio station show, that we
all write "IN GOD WE TRUST" on the back of all our mail. After all, that is our national motto, and it's on all the money we use to buy those stamps. I think it is a wonderful idea. We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed. If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping "IN GOD WE TRUST" on our envelopes sounds like a great idea to me. It has been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance. Could it be that WE just need to take some action and tell those 14% to "sit down and shut up"? If you agree, pass this on, if not delete."

....AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! what the HELL!?!? Why can't people just get in into their think heads that just because a few petty people who feel the need to raise all hell over a few words in our Pledge of Allegiance and our money, doesn't mean that the rest of us have to be petty in return! I mean so what! some Atheists are crapping some cows over the word "God" appearing in a federal office! who cares!? I sure as hell don't, and if I did I wouldn't be spreading this kind of email around!

And to all you people who send this kind of stuff I only have one thing to say to you...By sending these emails our you are failing to rouse national patriotism. It only causes rifts to get wider and split between groups of people (ie. religous and non-religious people) so please stop sending them...cause you're only going to piss me off more.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

I now know the identity of my Arch Nemisis...

her name....ADELIA LOOMIS....aka that bitch

So....I had this HUUUUGE fencing tournament today in Provo Utah and I kicked so much ass. I walked away with a new D National Ranking and a shiny shiny GOOOLLDD MEDAL in the Women's 14-20 tournament WOOHOO! and man was this tournament big. Fencers from all over the state of Utah were there including parts of Colorado and Idaho and they were all felled by my blade! MWAHHAHA!...

Annywho....so this Adelia girl right? well she had an E rating (which is one below a D) and she was the second person I had to fence in the elimination rounds after the pools (I lost royaly to her in the pools, but since I beat everyone else I advanced to elimination rounds anway) so I went to hook up to the left side of the fencing strip because I'm left handed and it's easier to see...if none of this makes sense just humor me okay? okay...so I was hooking up and Adelia walks up to me and says, "uh no you have to hook up on the other side." AND SHE FREAKING STARTED TO UNHOOK ME!

grrr...anyway so throughout the rest of the bout she kept like making the director (referee) give me yellow cards for inane reasons like, "she had her unarmed hand infront of her target area" and "she moved off the strip" and "that's an illigal hit" and just abunch of crap like that I wasn't even doing...excpet for when I'd counter attack and turn my body and my unarmed hand would cover my target area...BUT EVERYBODY DOES THAT. so this match went to 15 touches and it's 9 minutes long with two one minute breaks inbetween and it was the-most-intense bout I've every been apart of.

the final score....14 to 13...and I would have gotten that last touch if it hadn't been for us going over the 9 minutes. aaannnway I beat her so she got eliminated from gold medal (she got bronze) and now comes the gold medal bout against one Anna Kopcrak...I dominated. I beat her like 15 to 4 with 4 minutes to spare. it was freaking awesome. and I know that my Daddy was there with me today watching me KICK ASS and that's he's proud of his little girl. :D

well that's my story:D hope you all enjoyed it and wasn't too confused by some of the stuff that I was saying.:D:D:D:D:D

"We are the champions my friends!
And we'll keep on fighting to the end
No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions
...of the World!!"

next stop...2008 Olympic Summer Games!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Post with no Name

Angels appreciate things about you that you thought no one else ever even noticed...

I hate this saying...I'm sure it's true, but that's not going to stop me from hating it I hate lots of things actually...high school, high school melodrama, life...Life is a hard thing to place an emotion on...I hate it, it frustrates me...but at the same time...

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

Why do people feel the need to hide behind a mask..every morning that's the first thing they do is put on a mask, a wall that protects them from the harshness and truth that the world is...but at the same time prevents you from experiencing all that life has to offer...I know I wear a mask, and I know that I'll never be rid of it...and that's what scares me most.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

when I was young my daddy died...he died before I got to know him...he died before I got to appreciate his sacrifices...he died before I got the chance to truly love him...I'll never know what it's like to have your DADDY hug you goodnight, I'll never know what it's like to be comforted by DADDY after my first heartbreak, I'll never know what's it's like to be upstairs putting makeup on for prom while DADDY gives "Joe Tall Dark and Handsome" the infamous "Talk" downstairs, I'll never know what it's like to have DADDY walk me down the isle when I get married...and worst of all...I never got the chance to tell him good-bye...

There's a Definite Downside to Spontaneous Human Combustion....

Okay....seriously I htink I am going to spontanwously combust in like two seconds!....just thought everyone should know.....

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

So....here's more of my random thoughts

...so...you know how the majority, if not all, of the Christian Religions teaches that Jesus was perfect? The WWJD messages and the strife to be Christ like in all aspects of our lives....well, I've had sort of conflicting beliefs on these things. While I believe yes we should be the very best people we can be and not take the gift of redemption and repentence for granted, which Jesus amptly demonstrated through his time on earth... how can you strife to be like something that you know is unattainable...why reach for the unreachable? With that said...Is it so hard to believe that Jesus Christ was a man... and had the same temptations that we go through everyday of our lives? I feel that Jesus's main purpose on earth was to be a testimony to the power that God has over life and death in this world, as well as demonstrate that no matter what trials we suffer here on earth we have the ability in ourselves to overcome those obstacles. The belief that Jesus was a man for me makes things in my life so much easier to deal with..........aaaannnd I'm spent.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

science vs. religion

Everything goes back to God no matter what. Even if a miracle can be scientifically analyzed and broken down doesn't make it less of a miracle does it? In a way scince helps you understand miracles...think about it, just because we now EXACTLY how a child is born doesn't take away the fact that child birth is a miraculous thing. Religion and science are two different paths to the same goal....that is trying to understand the universe and understand how and why we are here.

Monday, February 07, 2005

I realised something today...

I finally figured out the reason why I don't like make-up...I feel like it's a lie.
To change the natural pigmentation of your face to fit the predetermined, social definition of what is feminine beauty....it's appalling. I mean..okay don't get me wrong, for some women it helps to boost their self confidence, but sometimes it's just taken too far. Today for instance my mother gave me a make over (it was in the middle of it that I had my revelation) and she got out this concealer to try and hide the bags underneath my eyes, which I was totally fine with....but then she went and said, "okay....what else do we have to hide..." then went to town on my face! going, "blemish...blemish...blemish..." What else do we have to hide??...excuse me!
Another thing about it is....I think it would be kind of a shock for like the guy you date or when you get married...think about it. It's like this. They are used to seeing you during the day when you have your make up on (I doubt they come to your house and watch you remove it) so they really don't know what you look like until you're married to the poor bloke...frankly, it's a dirty trick.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

holy crap!

okay this is my first post ever on blog....yeah...well no. I HAD a blog before but forgot the password....heh heh heh....SO I made a new one

I GOT A NEW EMAIL TOO! IT'S holycrapitsemail.ii@gmail.com so EMAIL ME!