I want to punch something...Infact, I want to do more than just punch something. That's just the beginning of the list of stupid things I want to do just...because it's stupid.
I want to do something so incredibly idiotic that there is no going back...I want to scream, and....steal my parents car to take on a joy ride. I wanna...go to a rave and O.D. on Ecstacy. I want to get wasted and, and punch something or someone in the middle of a drunken rage, though that'll never happen because I'd probably be a cheerful drunk....I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay with my life, that everything is perfect. I want to yell out to the world that I'm not the person they think I am...I want to rip off this label, tear down this facade, break this porclein skinned mask of who everyone thinks I am and just...live a reckless and stupid life...
I can't do any of these things however...because I'll be letting down those close to me...Does it seem to anyone else that it's always the ones you care for, and love the most end up being the ones you hurt the most? I can't just....leave all of you. Because that's what I'll be doing if I choose that kind of life. I will always be there for you guys. When I help out a friend, or do something good like make you laugh or just be there for you to have a shoulder to cry on....that makes my day. It's the little ray of hope I have in the turmoil I've been going through. You, my friends, are what keep me going. You, my family, are what keep me from the edge, from the bleak existance that waits before me if I drop my guard.
I hate myself sometimes, I can't even stand looking at my reflection because of the lie I see there, but I do, everyday I look in the mirror and tell myself to suck it up, there are other people out there in this world going through more crap than you ever could have, and you're letting this control your life? Yeah, you went through some bad shit as a child, but that gives you no excuse to be such a hypocrite...and it shouldn't be this way...it shouldn't, because I'm stronger than this But it, sadly, is the way it is.
Everyone has there bad days right? Don't let this get me down right? How can I not let this get me down when I have no idea who me really is? I've come too close to ruining one of the most important friendships I've ever had in my life, because of the way I am. I push people away when I want them to be close... I let people know so little about me, because I'm scared that when they find out who I am, when they find out how much of a hypocrite I am, they will leave me...to face the harsh reality of the world and take care of myself, alone...I'm taking a huge risk posting this blog...but please don't hate me I need you...No matter what I say, or how emphatically I say it...please please don't abandon me.
I refuse to give up, I'm a fighter damnit...but I'm not strong enough to fight it alone