Friday, December 16, 2005

It was a Friday Night and I was restless...

I want to punch something...Infact, I want to do more than just punch something. That's just the beginning of the list of stupid things I want to do just...because it's stupid.

I want to do something so incredibly idiotic that there is no going back...I want to scream, and....steal my parents car to take on a joy ride. I wanna...go to a rave and O.D. on Ecstacy. I want to get wasted and, and punch something or someone in the middle of a drunken rage, though that'll never happen because I'd probably be a cheerful drunk....I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay with my life, that everything is perfect. I want to yell out to the world that I'm not the person they think I am...I want to rip off this label, tear down this facade, break this porclein skinned mask of who everyone thinks I am and just...live a reckless and stupid life...

I can't do any of these things however...because I'll be letting down those close to me...Does it seem to anyone else that it's always the ones you care for, and love the most end up being the ones you hurt the most? I can't just....leave all of you. Because that's what I'll be doing if I choose that kind of life. I will always be there for you guys. When I help out a friend, or do something good like make you laugh or just be there for you to have a shoulder to cry on....that makes my day. It's the little ray of hope I have in the turmoil I've been going through. You, my friends, are what keep me going. You, my family, are what keep me from the edge, from the bleak existance that waits before me if I drop my guard.

I hate myself sometimes, I can't even stand looking at my reflection because of the lie I see there, but I do, everyday I look in the mirror and tell myself to suck it up, there are other people out there in this world going through more crap than you ever could have, and you're letting this control your life? Yeah, you went through some bad shit as a child, but that gives you no excuse to be such a hypocrite...and it shouldn't be this way...it shouldn't, because I'm stronger than this But it, sadly, is the way it is.

Everyone has there bad days right? Don't let this get me down right? How can I not let this get me down when I have no idea who me really is? I've come too close to ruining one of the most important friendships I've ever had in my life, because of the way I am. I push people away when I want them to be close... I let people know so little about me, because I'm scared that when they find out who I am, when they find out how much of a hypocrite I am, they will leave me...to face the harsh reality of the world and take care of myself, alone...I'm taking a huge risk posting this blog...but please don't hate me I need you...No matter what I say, or how emphatically I say it...please please don't abandon me.

I refuse to give up, I'm a fighter damnit...but I'm not strong enough to fight it alone

12 comments:

Preseela x) said...

I love you Jessy. I promise not to go anywhere.

Sousa said...

You sound like I did, once upon a time, anyway. Well, take it from someone who's been there, it'll get better, you just have to duck your head and get through it. Find out who you are, prove you're worth a damn, and then reap the rewards. I'm there for ya.

Button said...

Jessy as weird as it my sound I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I know it isn't easy. so make sure to keep the people that love and care about you close by when you need them. I know all of your friends are more then willing to help you. if you need me at all just tell me and I'll be there. To make sure nothing bad happens to you if you do get wasted. I love you

Alex Iskandar said...

You are not alone, Jess ;-) I know ppl like me could be on the other side of planet earth but we're always here for you. Lots of hugs xxx

The Short One said...

ummm....raves are actually pretty fun...but i wouldn't recommend overdosing on ecstasy... that is stho not yesth...

(just thought i'd throw that one out there...)

anyyywayyyy...sheesh, jessy--you need a jenesse hug. and a jenesse talk. both are here, waiting for you when you are ready...because i will always be there for you. and i understand. i understand all too well.

i love you like a penguin loves a fencer.

Melissa said...

Don't think for an instant that you need all of the answers now! Soon enough you'll be on your own and have the freedom to be who you really are and want to be... that may not even be the person that you think it is. You never know what will happen ; )

Marisa of the Sea said...

Jessy, I love you so much... And I'm sorry your going through this... Doesn't it kinda seem like we are going though our worst during our Junior year? The seniors went through their worst last year too... But I love you and like you always tell me... Writing it down or talking about it really does help.

I may have seemed distant but it was because of stupid reasons and I've thought about it and the problems are gone. I'm over it. But seriously if you need to talk, or even just get a big hug I'm here. Call me day or night and I'll run to your house (well most likely drive) but I'll be there asap.... *hugs* and again I love you so much.

that lisa girl said...

hey man, maybe we should go on a random roadtrip. no seriously- it's christmas break, and I've got a nearly full tank of gas waiting to be used up in my car...

I luff you tons. so does everyone else, hun. don't think that just because you decide to be who you are instead of who you want us to think you are doesn't mean that we'll leave you bruised and broken in the dark to fend for yourself.

and let it all out now- the sooner the better- and then you can get back to LIVING... don't keep it to yourself- it takes longer to get over if you don't tell people, cuz then you can come to terms with it for yourself.

remember- we all have to change once in a while to adapt to changes in our world. don't think of this as a bad thing- learn from it and turn it into a good one

:D smilies
luff u

The Short One said...

AHHHHH!!! has anyone else noticed that it says "firday" instead of "friday"???

and is anyone else as bothered as me?

gosh jessy!! use spell check or something!

hehe...

wheatable said...

Dude- everyone and their dog knows what your going through. Secretly, we all hate to think it, but we aren't beautiful and unique snowflakes.

You aren't special.

And you wanna know what I do when I feel that way? I pull out my hair in little clumps. Try it.

Brynifred said...

Im thinking Jessy wouldnt look as good as you do Britt if chunks of her hair were missing. Im pretty sure thats a look that only you pull off!

Jessy, someday, you should run up the two hills between us to my house. Ring the doorbell and when I come to the door...throw something in my face. You will feel better. You will laugh like we used to laugh! You more than I because you will be seeing my face convered in...something...

Some days you just need to...

The Short One said...

duh....just duh. brit...i don't know who told you no one is special...but they were wrong. so stop bringing everyone else down too. if we really are as "not special" as you say we are...why doesn't god just makes us all look the same? and take away our ability to make choices...since we will all are the same anyway and aren't on different levels experience? and we don't need anyone else around because we all serve the same purpose. so he might as well just kill us all off because he only needs one since we are all magic clones.

i'm sorry...but...that just...baffles me as to how you could honestly think that.