God Bless Blue October...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

-Blue October.

"Fuck this game! It's four in the morning [ ], YOU WIN!"

Struggle within...

While searching for myself
I took a long look in the mirror
...and saw the devil staring back at me.

Fuck this. I can't wait to break free.

...I'm what you face when you face in the mirror
As long as you live I will still be here...

Boredom At The Bank: Steal My Kiss

It tears me up inside
glinting past pretending,
ignoring, and faking
this hate. this love. this need.

All this fueled by pretense.
incessant rage pounding,
gnawing, hacking, screaming
This hate, controlled by pride.
Let go it's all a lie.

these, my, unwilling hands
of time grudgingly forced
to move on from second,
to minute, to hour.
This love was stolen time.

I've been so very lost.
Lost in this ugly need.
My thoughts so conflicted
with myself, causing This...

This confused jumble of...
of...my integrity
and desire juxtaposed
violently, desperately.
Cruely, fiercly, wildy.

All wanting to be seen.
All screaming for one thing...
For you to steal my kiss.

Illustration Friday: Spotted

Apathy, Corruption, and Cynicism

"It's cute that you think you've spotted me out." -Anonymous

Just Accept It...

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth, and took it home so that he could watch the moth come out. As he watched, a small opening appeared as the moth struggled to force its body through that little hole. After several hours the moths progress stopped, it had gotten as far as it could, it appeared to be stuck. Then the man decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time; neither happened. The moth spent the rest of its life crippled, crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of life.

We must all experience and learn from struggles in our own lives. For they are the means by which we learn to strengthen our wings that will carry us out into the world.

Holycrapwhy???

I'm so uncomfortable with feeling angry at my Mother that I chose to deal with the situation by making others laugh. I was just at my friend michelle's house and she told me something that made me so angry with my mom that the only thing I could do was flail and and make silly noises to make her laugh...but now that I'm home it's 12:30 and I can't sleep because I'm too pissed off.

My mom told...someone...something that I did not want them to know...something they really had no right to know. and for the life of me I can't figure out WHY she did it.

I figure things out through Trial and Error. Yeah, okay I've been burned a couple of times, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's going to happen and I'm going to have to learn from these stupid decisions/mistakes [that I'm going to inevitably make because I'm only human], that life goes on. But...

She's my mom.

My Parent.

She did what she did because she has my best interest at heart, but doing something with good intentions can sometimes be the worst thing you could possibly do in a situation. Doing the wrong thing for the 'right reasons' can cause so much chaos...There is absolutely nothing positive that either myself or this person could have gained by my mom telling him. absolutely nothing. So until I figure out why she did it...this is me.

Illustration Friday: Speed

There is more to life than increasing its speed. - Mahatma Gandhi

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk...

That's how it always is isn't it? You have to be willing to lay your pride out on the line when you go up on strip. You have to accept defeat in order to gain glory. You have to be willing to suffer great heartache and loss when you give someone your heart...EVERY decision we make has a lasting consequence, whether the consequence is positive or negative we have to learn to live with it.

What if you don't want to suffer? What if you don't want to have to deal with heartache? What if you don't want to have to lose? All you want is for things to go your way?...Wouldn't we all just love to have life go our way? Well Life isn't perfect. If you want to learn something, ANYTHING from this life you have to risk something.

And this, my friends, is why I am such a coward...and there really is no way to...I guess, articulate what I'm trying to say... I have set myself up for so much pain, and awkwardness...and I'm wondering if it's worth it? I can't help but wonder now that it's over, looking back...Was it worth it? Was it worth losing one of my best friends?

Not to be pessimistic...but that's all I'm good for lately...I used to think that you could be happier in the long run taking the risk even if you get hurt. But I did that...I took risks and thought I would be happier in the long run, because I thought the possibility of being hurt would be outweighed by the fact that I didn't have to wonder what would have happened. But it didn't. Sometimes wondering what could have happened is much much much better than taking the risk and leaving yourself open to be hurt. Because hurt never really leaves. Not completely.

...You Were My Way Out...

Now You're

Just Another

Dead End

There Goes Santa Claus...

Christmas was magical. Everybody remembers what Christmas felt like as a child. Waking up every Christmas morning with giddy, bouncing excitement to see if Santa Claus came to visit.


Everybody also remembers what Christmas felt like when we finally discovered Santa Claus isn't real...

Secret: I'm scared to fall in love [with you] again because I fear it'll be like rediscovering Santa Claus is really a sham.

Alas Poor MSN...I Knew it Well...

Shamae...
Cousin Ashley...
Nadine...
Sven...
Krystal...
Scottie...
Tom and Christine...
Jenesse...
Brittany...
the list goes on

People I can no longer talk to because my parents saw it fit to delete MSN Messenger from my life.
-------------------------------

"You only said sorry to try and make me feel bad."
...
"Did it work?"