Thursday, August 31, 2006

You Didn't Get It...

Sure I lied...whatever.
You just didn't get it.
You're the critic.
You, that small voice,
But not so small in me.

In me, something's just about to break.
It has to...sometime...has to.
Not good. Not working. Not Bad.
Not Mad... Dr. Sous got nothin' on me.

On me, pressure pushing,
pressing almost pleading.
Are there more options?
In Truth, I'd rather not.


Monday, August 28, 2006

Les Miserables

I'm way excited for Les Mis.

This is the first year I've actually auditioned for a musical... the one bridge in Theatre that I haven't crossed. Normally I just stick to Shakespeare and straight plays. I had a strict no singing policy, but I actually did it. I didn't TOTALLY butcher the song, and I think I finished with a strong monologue... it went okay.

I'm worried though.

I have this mental block sometimes where I'm too scared to put myself out there completely without reservation... because if I can't do it one hundred percent, why even bother trying it? I'm not sure that I'm making any sense at all here... I set my expectations for myself obscenely high, and if I can't reach it I give up, and consider myself a total failure. That's why I didn't audition for any musical prior to this.

I really want this experience though, I'm just scared that I'm getting in my own way.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Toungue Tied...Quite Literally.

I woke up this morning with a twistie-tie in my mouth.
No Joke.

What the Hell is that about?
How did it get there?

I'm confused...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Flood Gates Are Open: Ode to My Junior Year...

I remember being eager.
that went to hell in a hand-basket

I remember the nervous constriction of my chest when I would see you walking down the halls, and the glimer of hope I felt when you would smile at me.
I was naive.

I remember Rocky Point Haunted House
I was so confused.

I remember Beauty and the Beast.
and the burning jealousy

I remember throwing away the best thing that happened to me.
...I have nothing to say.

I remember pain.
completely and idiotically self-inflicted...twice.

I remember braiding Becca's hair.
you're gorgeous darling, and definetly NOT a bitch.

I remember crying because I didn't get the fucking tapestry up.
and getting caught on the scrim...
and not closing the castle doors in-time...
and knocking into Cogsworth while running off-stage...
and leaving the rose on stage...
and breaking the set closing night...

I remember Wheel of Damnation.
I remember you Sousa...I remember you my friend.

I remember I remember being abandoned.
I remember pushing everyone away

I remember Brittany Hoffman.
I remember Jenesse Anderton.

I remember Comedy of Errors.
almost making another mistake

I remember Cassandra Hess.
only re-considering another go to protect her from you.

I remember giving up, losing hope.
feeling dirty

I remember [crying on] my Birthday.
my hands were burned from the ropes on the fly system.
I was dressed all in black because I was a techie,
but it still felt like I was ushering in my seventeenth birthday
as though it was a funeral...

I remember the Dining Room.
It was a great show

I remember One Acts.
I wanted my show to get cancelled, and I'll always be jealous of Emily's talent

I remember being voted in as President.
I hate you Chase Brown...I hate you

I remember Tasha.

I remember Gabe Feinstein.
you told me a beautiful lie. I miss you

I remember graduation.
good-bye. good-bye. good-bye.

I'll remember...

I'll always look back at my Junior year with a mixed sense of pride and shame at the mistakes I've made, and why I made them.

Monday, August 07, 2006


The blessings of passionate thought.
are countered by the curse of a trapped mind.
Frustrated. Tied. Paralyzed.

Measuring Glances make my decisions.
Steely Looks soothe my daily jitters.
as I gently search my drawers in the morning
peice by layer, quietly building myself...

Got to be Strong
Got to be Wise...
you're giving too much away!
For others
For others
always for others.
For you.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

In All My Idiotic Glory...

“I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”
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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I'm An Open Book...

You just don't know what page to turn to.