Tuesday, January 31, 2006

...Happy Birthday to me?

So...

Today was my birthday. I cried, then I laughed because I was crying...
Don't know, so much to say
lost in those windows thinking
about you...Trying to Forget

Don't know how much to say
standing right there right here
looking into your thoughts
They almost seem tangible
...so much to say lost in
Heavy Toungued thoughts

But Don't know what to say
standing right here right now
feeling everything and yet
washing away trying to forget
feeling nothing at all...

Don't know what words to say
scratching away erasing
This memory, Your touch...
To fix this...the words seem pointless
normality, so instead I rub it away.



...I need a pair of those mitten gloves...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I fell...damn hard.

I've fallen, I'm in pain, my heart is broken...I miss you...

I stumbled, but I'm going to pick myself back up.

I'm not going to let this change me.

I'm not going to let this define me.

I'm not going to let this ruin everything.

...even if it takes a year. you're friendship is too special to lose

Monday, January 23, 2006

Strike Two...

I woke up this morning with an emotional hang-over...then I remembered why...

I was wrong...

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you again."

"You won't"

"How do you know?"

"Because you care...and I trust you."

god it hurts...

 Posted by Picasa


...hey at least you don't have to worry about it being sick anymore...

will I ever learn my lesson...?

I once said, "Does it seem to anyone else that it's always the ones you care for, and love the most end up being the ones you hurt the most?...please don't hate me I need you. No matter what I say, or how emphatically I say it, please please don't abandon me."

I'm such a hypocrite...

"I'm scared that when they find out who I am, when they find out how much of a hypocrite I am, they will leave me..."

damn pride...

"I've come too close to ruining one of the most important friendships I've ever had in my life, because of the way I am..."

too late...

I am so sorry...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IT WAS I DID????

I'm used to being in the middle of situations. I don't like this!! I'm not in the middle anymore, I'm on a side!.....I AM A SIDE!! what the hell?! I don't even know what it is I did that put me in this stupid postion. WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TELL ME ALREADY!? was it just because I was being pissy? you want to know why I was being pissy?? alright FINE

My parents were going through a really really really hard time. They almost got a divorce. My mom bought an apartment in North Orem that we might have moved into (I had already begun packing some of my things to get taken to the apartment) and she didn't even tell Baha about it until LAST NIGHT! They aren't getting a divorce, and my mom gave the apartment to my brother and sister-in-law. I'm still living in the fish bowl that is my house. I'm really....really stressed out and frustrated at home. Things are getting better here, and not to have a fatalistic attitutude toward the whole situation, but we'll just see how long it lasts...

I said in an earlier post that I don't feel comfortable at home, for obvious reason...which just left you guys. the only problem is EVERYONE IS BEING SO DAMN PISSY. I'm sorry that I brought my frustration to school, I really am. But HONESTLY! it's kinda hard not to When I could have possibly had to pick up my entire life and start over in a small, but nice, apartment closer to where Criman lives than anyone else!!!! What really hurts me is that people I warned in December....people who I decided to trust with my secret....apparently still just stood by and let people stab me in the back, or blame me for the FUCKING CAKE or your STUPID PANTS! oh yeah and how about we talk about how rude it was for Jessy to laugh at funny jokes in your show!! I'm not sorry!!!! IT WAS FUNNY! I'm coming to see it tonight and guess what...I'M GOING TO LAUGH! GET OVER IT! I wasn't doing it to try and distract you, and I certainly wasn't doing it because I was trying to get attention! I was doing it because it's a FUNNY SHOW!

I told you, "hey I'm going to go through a really hard time in January and sort of into February, so if I become like kind of pissy....it's because my parents are going to get a divorce." you said, "oh okay...yeah I won't hold it against you, infact I'll tell people off if they start talking smack about you Svensson don't worry." I find myself surrounded by hipocracy...whether it's intentional or unintentional I really don't care.

and side note.... I was happy, I'm sorry if it became a little sick, but find a tactful way of telling me...over text messaging....isn't tactful...I am happy, would you just LET me be happy?? it's not the end of the world. I'm aware that everyone is going through their own hardships right now, and I really really really didn't mean to take out my frustration on you guys, if that's why you are pissed at me. Please all I'm asking is that if someone has a problem please say it to my face and NOT to somebody else's.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ch-ch-ch changes...

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

This has been the constant mantra I keep replaying in my mind. Just this one last hump to get over, and then everything will be fine. Change is a scary thing. Humans are creatures of habit. We need a routine, and whenever that routine is interrupted it takes time to deal with the change and adjust how we live to fit that change into our life. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard it just depends on what the change is...

Everybody deals with stress differently. Some people go running, or paritcupate in a sport of some kind to channel their stress into something physical. Other people do artsy things, whether that be visual artistry like painting or drawing. Some do literature, like poetry, or write a story. I know people who do theatrical things, I am one of those people. The ability to deal with your emotions in a positive way is the best way to handle stress. There are also other's who deal with stress in self-destructive, and negative ways. i.e. cutting, anorexia, drug and alcohol abuse, and these usually occur when the person has no other way to contol what goes on in their life, or no positive way to deal with change... It makes me wonder what will happen when my outlet gets a short circuit. What will I do when it just stops helping?

What do I do then, what should I do then?

Do I stick it out and see if it'll pass? Do I find a new outlet, or do I give up and just run away from all the stress?

...I've been tempted, sorely tempted, but I don't respect people who just give up on their problems and run away. I wouldn't be able to live with myself it I new that i just left behind problems that, given enough time, I could fix. So that rules out the second choice. And I can't just leave what I've devoted so much time, and invested so much of myself into now... so that just leaves option three. There's just one problem...

A friend of mine posted a blog that really made me think about what gets me through rough times in my life. He said, " If something terribly bad happed to you, what parts of yourself would you want to save? What parts would you let go down with the ship?" After...much consideration and thought I decided that it's my sense of humor, ability to love unconditionally, and my strong will. I'm afraid that I've shut down though, and maybe that's why I have been unable to cope with the major change that might happen...

Might happen... I'm so confused. I can't say what it is... I can't, I don't want people to know. Only the ones close to me know, only persons I trust know. In a nutshell...a huge decision is being made that directly involves me and my family. What's stressing me out is that the decision keeps changing. One minute I think that my whole life will be flipped upside down, the next it seems like we'll always be here....I don't understand please just make up your mind!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

What Would You Take...

I have so much on my mind. I have so much that I want to say to everyone... about everthing, but I don't know what to say. Is it possible to be so overwhelmed by different emotions that they all cancel out and just leave you feeling...empty? numb? incomplete? That's exactly how I feel right now. Like I have a huge gaping hole in me. It's just angst. Stupid, stupid teenage angst I know that. I'm happy. I really am...well I'm happy with aspects of my life at the moment. Others I am not so happy with.

I'm a firm believer that your home should be your sanctuary. After a long day at school/work/whatever-you-do-for-a-living, you should be able to come home and relax, kick-back, do some homework without a bean or rent (nic-name my siblings and I have for our parents) breathing down your neck to get things done. Okay I appreciate your concern I really do, but you need to realise that by following every little step I take, by tightening the leash, and trying to control every facet of my life in order to prevent me from doing something stupid, you are making me want to do something stupid...It makes me feel trapped. I'm too scared to do anything because of what the consequences might be. You are trying to prevent me from being devious, but only spawning a need inside me to rebel.

You go home to stay grounded, to keep in touch with yourself. A sanctuary is a place you go to prevent self destructive thoughts. Lately, however, I have not been able to feel comfortable at home. I haven't really been feeling it what with... well let's just say things at home aren't too good right now. And it's really throwing me off. It's hard to keep a balanced life when you have nothing to place your scale on. I used to love coming home, and just hanging out, chilling with my family. I still love spending time with my mom... Now I almost dread coming home. What the *#@% happened?? (mama if you read this I love you and I'm not avoiding you...)

I should follow your rules because I respect you, not because I'm afraid of the consequences. It's like the whole Christian notion of "God fearing". Most people did the right thing, not because it was the right thing to do, but because they feared God's retribution... Now, it could just be me, but I think that something is seriously screwed up there. Let me explain something. My grades suck. I know exactly why too. You know why people cut? It's so they can have control over something in their life. I don't cut, I let my grades drop. It was a stupid thing to do, and I really do realise that it will follow me into college and probably into my life. While it was the wrong decision, It was my damn decision. I shouldn't be proud of it... but I am...

I need to figure things out in my life... straighten things out. I can do it. I just need some freedom and trust in order to.