Wednesday, June 29, 2005

...I'm REALLY gonna need it...

I'm going to California for Fencing Nationals 5 hours. Which means that I might not be able to get a computer to blog, so this is pretty much going to be it for like...a week or two...I'd like to say a few things to people before I go:

Lisa/Priscilla- thanks for the gaff tape (I probably spelled that wrong but, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn...) it will come in handy :D

Tasha- You are the coolest Asian, thanks for the adventures

Sousa- You inspire those around you more than you know...and I want my whale...faggot...;) and if you are good, I might let you stab Merkley.

Emily- I luff you! next time ben calls, just hang up ;)

Chase- We need to play more.

Shmoo- I'll see you when I get to cali man! and it'll rawk! wooohooo

Mollie- If I die, you can have my penguin.

Jenesse- I'm really p.o.ed that we haven't played all this summer, and we need to!! grrr....

I'm done if I missed anyone...I don't really care because I'm sleepy and I still have to pack so screw you. But Seriously...I love you guys and I'll miss you while I'm gone.

WISH ME GOOD LUCK...I'm gonna need it. ohhhh yesss...If you gave me your cell phone numbers I will give you a call while I'm in California.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Moments That Make My Life Worth Living...

"Are you still fencing?"


"Have you been crying?"


"Well, if it makes you feel any better I've been crying too."

"That actually does make me feel better."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Keep it up Jessy you almost made up all our points in the past 2 minutes."

"What's our goal?"

"30 touches."

"Okay, I can do that."

*over a microphone* "Jessy's my hero!"

"You guys are dumb!"

* * * * * * * * * *

"Let's bring a blanket to the venue so we can sleep in between the events"

"But we only have one blanket."

"ohh...well you have your pillow, we can just share the blanket."

"OR...we can steal the hotel blanket..."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah." --no--

"It's alright, he's just a wierd one to fence"

"No...I'm just stupid is all."

"No you're not. Don't beat yourself up, I'm proud of you. You were able to calm yourself down and get some good ones in, not alot of people are able to do that."

"But, it wasn't enough..."

"That's alright, what matters is that you figured it out and you learned from this, take what you learned and remember it for the next time you fence."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Why aren't you fencing Open Foil?"

"Because I just want to do one event today."

"Oh come on! there's no way we are letting you sit out on foil."

"Garrett,, there is no way you you two are getting me to do foil today. I want to have time to sleep and just watch you guys fence, I did all the foil I wanted to yesterday."

"You're not still beating yourself up..."


"Okay then, you're doing foil."

"GUYS....................fine, you guys are--"

"Dumb, we know."

Saturday, June 11, 2005

If Wishes Were Fishes the World Would be a Slimey Mess...

I wish I could take everything back...
I wish to be profound...
I wish I was a better Fencer...
I wish for my Daddy...
I wish I wasn't so selfish...
I wish I had the courage to stand up for EVERYTHING I believe in...
and I wish I could tell each one of you EXACTLY how much you mean to me.

At work today I realised how...fleeting... life really is. Oh, for all who don't know, I work with Children that have behavioral problems at Wasatch Mental Health. I work with 5 to 6 year olds I was playing tick tack toe on the play ground with one of the little boys...he won and looked up at me, with his big, innocent, blue eyes and realisation just jumped out and knocked all the air out of me...I was his age yesterday...

I know I'm only 16 and I still have my entire life ahead of me, but the years slipped by so fast and I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all. I feel like those 16 years have gone to waste. Have a lived my life to the fullest? Have I been a good person? Have I been of any signifgance to anyone? Is there even a point to my existance? Will I be remembered tomorrow? When I die? Or will I just become a distant memory lurking in the reccesses of your minds?

I don't want to become a faded memory...I want people to be able to find a picture of me in their yearbooks and think to themselves, "She was one of the best people I ever knew..." not, "oh she was funny," or, "yeah, she was cool." I hate it because I know that sounds selfish...

I wish I could just go on living without thinking about this...
I wish I knew what I truly believed in...
I wish I had the strength to forget my problems and carry your pains...
I wish...I wish...I wish...

Nothing will ever come out of wishing, but I don't have the courage to do anything but wish.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Confusing Effing Sucks to describe how I'm feeling....hmmm....okay let's say you go to the mall or something and you see something that you really want in the window of your favorite store...or maybe not your favorite store but you still see something that you really want, and you say to yourself, "I really want that..infact someday that WILL be mine...oh yes, it WILL be mine..." So you save up alllll your money, you don't spend your paychecks for like two weeks then you run to the store with the money in your grubby little hand and you're JUST about to buy it...

Then you stop and it really worth it?...was it worth aalll that waiting and aaaalll that effort...? Is this REALLY what I want?