Saturday, June 11, 2005

If Wishes Were Fishes the World Would be a Slimey Mess...

I wish I could take everything back...
I wish to be profound...
I wish I was a better Fencer...
I wish for my Daddy...
I wish I wasn't so selfish...
I wish I had the courage to stand up for EVERYTHING I believe in...
and I wish I could tell each one of you EXACTLY how much you mean to me.

At work today I realised how...fleeting... life really is. Oh, for all who don't know, I work with Children that have behavioral problems at Wasatch Mental Health. I work with 5 to 6 year olds I was playing tick tack toe on the play ground with one of the little boys...he won and looked up at me, with his big, innocent, blue eyes and realisation just jumped out and knocked all the air out of me...I was his age yesterday...

I know I'm only 16 and I still have my entire life ahead of me, but the years slipped by so fast and I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all. I feel like those 16 years have gone to waste. Have a lived my life to the fullest? Have I been a good person? Have I been of any signifgance to anyone? Is there even a point to my existance? Will I be remembered tomorrow? When I die? Or will I just become a distant memory lurking in the reccesses of your minds?

I don't want to become a faded memory...I want people to be able to find a picture of me in their yearbooks and think to themselves, "She was one of the best people I ever knew..." not, "oh she was funny," or, "yeah, she was cool." I hate it because I know that sounds selfish...

I wish I could just go on living without thinking about this...
I wish I knew what I truly believed in...
I wish I had the strength to forget my problems and carry your pains...
I wish...I wish...I wish...

Nothing will ever come out of wishing, but I don't have the courage to do anything but wish.

10 comments:

that lisa girl said...

Jessy, I want to like, give you a hug right now. In fact, I think I will come over to your house and give you one this very moment. And if not then I will call you and ask when I can come over. Yes.

But one thing I have to tell you: you really have no idea how much I love you. No, like, you mean so much to me and to others, no kidding! I mean, remember when you were telling me about that thing that happened at girls camp when everyone gave you their 'lives'... Your life really has worth, whether you know it or not. Things like that don't happen for no reason. You really are special, and I love you for it. *huggie* and I'm calling your house right now. yes.

shamae said...

That's weird because I always thought of you as very couragous and brave...come on, beef up. I love you!

shamae said...

and I don't say that unless I really LOVE YOU!

wheatable said...

I'm with shamae on this one. BEEF UP!!! ha ha ha- no totally. That would be cool if everyone just... beefed up.

Anyways- I want you to know that in like 100 thousand years when I am practically mummified and sitting around trying not to die, i will take out my yearbook and when I see your picture I know that like an ooober amount of tears will start to flow down my decreped face. I will think to myself how awesome you were and how I wish I could have only had one more year... or month... or day... to just become your best friend. Talk with you- so I could have at least gotten to know one of the best people I have ever met.

Man- you think your a wisher. Sit a day in my shoes and see how big of a coward I am. I just wish I had the guts to realize that all of the wonderful people around me dont realize how wonderful they are- and just help them out a bit.

I wish you could see how much you have influenced me.

Not to sound cheesy or anything- but you are one of the best people I have ever met- thats the truth.

So BEEF UP. I think Shamae put it perfectly.

P.S. I love your shirt.

thesexyswede said...

Hoff...D.I....three bucks ;)

Sousa said...

not very often are you allowed to know how much you truly impacted a person.

You are brave, for starters you're brave enough to look inside yourself and find your faults, we see that right here.

You're one of my better friends, and I respect you for the person you are. You're a tough broad and you're getting it figured out which is exactly what you should be doing.

Somebody gave me this advice once, and I think it would do you well to hear it: "Life is hard, but you can't let it get you down. You won't always have the answers, so you have to be willing to make them up. Be tall, tough, and on your toes so that if you have to, you can give life a good ass-kicking"

Never stop wishing, but never stop growing either. Don't get ahead of yourself, take it one easy step at a time. You know what you want now go out and get it.

shamae said...

eww he called you a broad. I've always hated that word. At least in reference to a woman. broad. guh

thesexyswede said...

hahaha!

I think in this context 'broad' is okay because it was said with no misogynistic inntonation, which made it endearing rather than chauvantistic.

Sousa said...

yes, 'broad' was entirely endearing. Come on, it's ME!

Good word use, by the way.

thesexyswede said...

Well, thanks Sousa I try... ;)