Saturday, December 30, 2006

I CONFESS....nothing mwah!

[x] I'm straight.
[ ] I'm gay.
[ ] I'm bi.
[x] I'm not easy.
[occasionally] I do wear make up.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I like what I see.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I hate what I see.
[ ] I wear a bra to bed.
[ ] ocassionally I sleep naked.
[x] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend/girlfriend didn't like.
[x] I love chocolate covered pretzels.
[ ] Getting a flower makes me smile, especially for no reason.
[ ] I've wrecked a car.
[x] I can't put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I'd do anything for that special guy.
[x] I get jealous easily.
[x] I love cuddling.
[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] I've gotten a detention.
[ ] I've gotten suspended.
[ ] I've gotten expelled.
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I like rock.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[sometimes] I like rap.
[x] I like techno.
[ ] I carry a purse everywhere.
[x] I carry a bag everywhere.
[x] I'd be lost without my cell phone.
[ ] I'd be lost without my mp3/CD player/iPod.
[x] I own/did own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own/did own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own/did own a boy band CD.
[ ] Football isn't boring.
[x] I love athletic boys.
[ ] I love skater guys.
[ ] I love punk guys.
[ ] I love gangsta guys.
[x] I love preppy guys.
[ ] I love surfer guys.
[ ] I love emo guys.
[ ] I love gothic guys.
[ ] I love guys with long hair.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've cheated on someone before.
[ ] I've been called a tease.
[x] I've been called a slut (by me).
[x] I've been called a bad influence.
[x] Lip gloss is better than lipstick.
[ ] I can't leave the house without makeup.
[ ] I can sing.
[ ] I play video games, even when there are other people around.
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me.
[x] I would do anything for my friends.
[ ] I really want to be with a certain someone right now.
[ ] I smoke way too much.
[ ] I drink way too much.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[ ] I have piercings other than my ears.
[ ] I have been to more than 5 concerts.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home...

I went for a winter-walk this morning for about an hour and a half. Just me and the Snow. I never felt more alive. The brisk winter air biting at my ears, and making my eyes water. Watching my warm breath fighting to stay palpable, the satisfying crunch crunch as I paved my own way through the snow (opting to create my own footsteps instead of following the paths of others). I was thinking...

As I always inevitably do

...About everything that has occured within the past few years, and all of the memories that have come with it, not all of them, but just the major ones that I have chalked up on the board of Moments That Have Irrevocably Changed Me Into That Person I See In the Mirror Every Morning...

first few that pop into my head are good ones, happy ones:

- Playing Poker at my house with Lisa, Tasha and Emily.
- Dressing Sousa up like a terrorist and taking shots of sparkling cider.
- Thespian Conference my sophomore year.
- Lunch talks with Cameron Bench.
- Hangin' with da Sousa and Jenesse.
- The good times in Tasha's/Mette's basement.
(the list goes on...)

However, the happiness bubbling in my chest at these memories was quickly squelched and the cheesy grin that adorned my face lost it's grip and slid, a little too easily, into a half frown as other memories surfaced.

- Walker...(I'm sorry, but I will never like her).
- I was too chicken to break up with Brett before dating Chase... I two-timed him. He didn't deserve that.
- Beauty and the Beast was both a blessing and a curse.
- Thespian Conference my Junior year fucking blew.
- Mr. Mountain View was basically the worst experience ever. Damn rope burns from the fly system.
- My parents almost getting a divorce.

Two memories stuck out most violently to me though. One time (of the many, innumerable times) people were making fun of Cameron Bench. I got so angry when everyone decided to gang up on him, but I never did anything about it because I was a coward. I remember one time though, Someone told me that Cameron was devious and sneaky, that he was just using me. Of my dealings with people, Cameron has been one of the, maybe two people who have never betrayed my trust (In fact, in hindsight I find that accusation rather amusing, in an ironical sort of way, coming from the person who made the accusation). I also remember when Cameron and Becca broke up, then suddenly everybody was all chummy with him... that just doesn't make sense to me. Why on earth would you say that you hate someone then all of a sudden make a complete 180 regarding them? How can you hate them then have a crush on them? Or hang out with them, like they are suddenly your best friend?

It's hypocritical.

And I hate hypocrisy. Not just because of other people, but because I'm a hypocrite as well. My dad cheated on my mom when I was little. It's that reason why I've always hated people who cheat on their spouses/boyrfriends/girlfriends/better-halfs. People who cheat should be shot and hung. It's dishonorable, mean and cowardly. But, I cheated, and that makes me a hypocrite. I became something I hated for somebody that, in hindsight, doesn't deserve me.

I've been trying to cut hypocrisy from my life, but I realised that it's impossible to do that when I'm surrounded by it.

I don't want to burn any bridges, but...something is telling me that if I don't, I'll never be able to change...

the match is struck...good-bye, so long and good-luck

Saturday, December 16, 2006

...The Match is Struck...


So Long.

...and Good luck.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Well It Sure Did Leave Me With a Scowl...

I knew something was up when I saw that the call was from Tim Hansmann...

because, Timmy doesn't call me this late at night.

It was Gingy...

at my door.

with a freakin' rose. damnit

Sunday, December 10, 2006

If It Makes You Feel Any Better...


Is It Just Me...

Or is this the freakiest picture of Santa Claus ever...??
I feel like he's going to swallow my soul...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

God Bless...

I check the PostSecret website religiously. It's so beautiful that people have a place where they can send their deepest, or even their most trivial of secrets, and find that they aren't alone in the world.

When I read this secret I about cried.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Don't Know Where This Came From...

Something between hope and pain, somewhere between mark and claim.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Blue Eyed Beast...

Leave me, you Blue Eyed Beast, you tempt me so.

You spoke to me of naught but deceit
and robbed my mind of the last vestiges
of personal sanity, leaving me,
alone teet'ring on your knife's razor edge.
Your soft words, words of endearment of love
were as I suspected, all just a trap.

And as a cat is caught in the jaws of
curiosity, I was lost as well.
But, so unlike the cat with claws and jaws
for her own defense, I was made pow'rless
as your suant, terrible, tempting,
tremors held me close whisp'ring words so soft,
so dear, to numb me from my aching pride.

But, Blue Eyed Beast, can comfort me no more.

So get thee away thou retched monster,
For your words are now meaningless drabble
and my curiosity, blase, fore-
You tempt me. No More.