Thursday, December 21, 2006

Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home...

I went for a winter-walk this morning for about an hour and a half. Just me and the Snow. I never felt more alive. The brisk winter air biting at my ears, and making my eyes water. Watching my warm breath fighting to stay palpable, the satisfying crunch crunch as I paved my own way through the snow (opting to create my own footsteps instead of following the paths of others). I was thinking...

As I always inevitably do

...About everything that has occured within the past few years, and all of the memories that have come with it, not all of them, but just the major ones that I have chalked up on the board of Moments That Have Irrevocably Changed Me Into That Person I See In the Mirror Every Morning...

first few that pop into my head are good ones, happy ones:

- Playing Poker at my house with Lisa, Tasha and Emily.
- Dressing Sousa up like a terrorist and taking shots of sparkling cider.
- Thespian Conference my sophomore year.
- Lunch talks with Cameron Bench.
- Hangin' with da Sousa and Jenesse.
- The good times in Tasha's/Mette's basement.
(the list goes on...)

However, the happiness bubbling in my chest at these memories was quickly squelched and the cheesy grin that adorned my face lost it's grip and slid, a little too easily, into a half frown as other memories surfaced.

- Walker...(I'm sorry, but I will never like her).
- I was too chicken to break up with Brett before dating Chase... I two-timed him. He didn't deserve that.
- Beauty and the Beast was both a blessing and a curse.
- Thespian Conference my Junior year fucking blew.
- Mr. Mountain View was basically the worst experience ever. Damn rope burns from the fly system.
- My parents almost getting a divorce.

Two memories stuck out most violently to me though. One time (of the many, innumerable times) people were making fun of Cameron Bench. I got so angry when everyone decided to gang up on him, but I never did anything about it because I was a coward. I remember one time though, Someone told me that Cameron was devious and sneaky, that he was just using me. Of my dealings with people, Cameron has been one of the, maybe two people who have never betrayed my trust (In fact, in hindsight I find that accusation rather amusing, in an ironical sort of way, coming from the person who made the accusation). I also remember when Cameron and Becca broke up, then suddenly everybody was all chummy with him... that just doesn't make sense to me. Why on earth would you say that you hate someone then all of a sudden make a complete 180 regarding them? How can you hate them then have a crush on them? Or hang out with them, like they are suddenly your best friend?

It's hypocritical.

And I hate hypocrisy. Not just because of other people, but because I'm a hypocrite as well. My dad cheated on my mom when I was little. It's that reason why I've always hated people who cheat on their spouses/boyrfriends/girlfriends/better-halfs. People who cheat should be shot and hung. It's dishonorable, mean and cowardly. But, I cheated, and that makes me a hypocrite. I became something I hated for somebody that, in hindsight, doesn't deserve me.

I've been trying to cut hypocrisy from my life, but I realised that it's impossible to do that when I'm surrounded by it.

I don't want to burn any bridges, but...something is telling me that if I don't, I'll never be able to change...

the match is struck...good-bye, so long and good-luck


The Asian Sensation said...

Yay! PINK POKER!! That was such a great night.
I miss you.

Hmmm.. perhaps we should play. Actually I called you tonight to play with me and jordan and stuff but you didn't answer.

Oh, and to answer you question- because he acted like a completely different person TOWARDS ME. Maybe he never treated you different, but he treated me different. So yeah.
Love you.

thesexyswede said...

Yeah, I was repainting my walls so I couldn't answer my phone, sorry dude-man. I would have loved to have hung out with you and Yordan.

Thanks for answering the question by-the-way. I didn't really mean to single you out. It just sort of bugged me. Now it doesn't.

Brynifred said...

Sue's on the web! Or...She will be shortly...Check out my blog!

Brynifred said...

Aw Jessy, I hear you. I hate hypocrasy, but what I hate most about it is that Im a part of it. We all are and I doubt that we can help. People make mistakes and I accept that in others. But, I never can quite accept it in myself. For some reason I feel like I have to be better. I have to be the example. Geez.

Hey, I need a scanner so I can put Sue up...Know anyone who has one? I might can use my Dads, but being as ronchy as he is, its a big fat maybe not.

Danelle said...

I understand now.
Love Danee