Thursday, January 05, 2006

What Would You Take...

I have so much on my mind. I have so much that I want to say to everyone... about everthing, but I don't know what to say. Is it possible to be so overwhelmed by different emotions that they all cancel out and just leave you feeling...empty? numb? incomplete? That's exactly how I feel right now. Like I have a huge gaping hole in me. It's just angst. Stupid, stupid teenage angst I know that. I'm happy. I really am...well I'm happy with aspects of my life at the moment. Others I am not so happy with.

I'm a firm believer that your home should be your sanctuary. After a long day at school/work/whatever-you-do-for-a-living, you should be able to come home and relax, kick-back, do some homework without a bean or rent (nic-name my siblings and I have for our parents) breathing down your neck to get things done. Okay I appreciate your concern I really do, but you need to realise that by following every little step I take, by tightening the leash, and trying to control every facet of my life in order to prevent me from doing something stupid, you are making me want to do something stupid...It makes me feel trapped. I'm too scared to do anything because of what the consequences might be. You are trying to prevent me from being devious, but only spawning a need inside me to rebel.

You go home to stay grounded, to keep in touch with yourself. A sanctuary is a place you go to prevent self destructive thoughts. Lately, however, I have not been able to feel comfortable at home. I haven't really been feeling it what with... well let's just say things at home aren't too good right now. And it's really throwing me off. It's hard to keep a balanced life when you have nothing to place your scale on. I used to love coming home, and just hanging out, chilling with my family. I still love spending time with my mom... Now I almost dread coming home. What the *#@% happened?? (mama if you read this I love you and I'm not avoiding you...)

I should follow your rules because I respect you, not because I'm afraid of the consequences. It's like the whole Christian notion of "God fearing". Most people did the right thing, not because it was the right thing to do, but because they feared God's retribution... Now, it could just be me, but I think that something is seriously screwed up there. Let me explain something. My grades suck. I know exactly why too. You know why people cut? It's so they can have control over something in their life. I don't cut, I let my grades drop. It was a stupid thing to do, and I really do realise that it will follow me into college and probably into my life. While it was the wrong decision, It was my damn decision. I shouldn't be proud of it... but I am...

I need to figure things out in my life... straighten things out. I can do it. I just need some freedom and trust in order to.

2 comments:

The Short One said...

jessy, i love you!

that is all i can do right now when i am so far away...

but i hope its enough

Alex Iskandar said...

Home is always a place we can be comfortable in and a place of solitude. Take the growing years as an experience, Jessy ... you'll live through them being a little more worldly and wiser. At the same time, you will grow to become more aware of things, people and to have the wisdom to separate the black and white while living to deal with the greys.

I've only known you thru the blogosphere but I know you're special ;-)