Thursday, April 06, 2006

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk...

That's how it always is isn't it? You have to be willing to lay your pride out on the line when you go up on strip. You have to accept defeat in order to gain glory. You have to be willing to suffer great heartache and loss when you give someone your heart...EVERY decision we make has a lasting consequence, whether the consequence is positive or negative we have to learn to live with it.

What if you don't want to suffer? What if you don't want to have to deal with heartache? What if you don't want to have to lose? All you want is for things to go your way?...Wouldn't we all just love to have life go our way? Well Life isn't perfect. If you want to learn something, ANYTHING from this life you have to risk something.

And this, my friends, is why I am such a coward...and there really is no way to...I guess, articulate what I'm trying to say... I have set myself up for so much pain, and awkwardness...and I'm wondering if it's worth it? I can't help but wonder now that it's over, looking back...Was it worth it? Was it worth losing one of my best friends?

Not to be pessimistic...but that's all I'm good for lately...I used to think that you could be happier in the long run taking the risk even if you get hurt. But I did that...I took risks and thought I would be happier in the long run, because I thought the possibility of being hurt would be outweighed by the fact that I didn't have to wonder what would have happened. But it didn't. Sometimes wondering what could have happened is much much much better than taking the risk and leaving yourself open to be hurt. Because hurt never really leaves. Not completely.


Brynifred said...

Maybe the pain was unavoidable. Maybe...just maybe...It wouldve come one way or another, and its possible that this way was better.

Brynifred said...

That doesnt sound very uplifting, but its what I felt I should write...

that lisa girl said...

sure the hurt never really leaves. I know it myself. but that gives you no right to say that NONE of what you experienced was good. surely you wouldn't take back having that experience if you had the choice. ...would you?

I sure hope not, cuz I know you enjoyed at least SOME of what you guys had. I guess what I'm trying to say is, did this hurt so bad that you wouldn't try loving someone again? -taking that peek out of your comfort zone or your bubble to see what others have to offer...? not everyone is like chase, hun.

not everyone is like jarom either. he was my closest friend those few months up until the time I left him- my CLOSEST friend. I told him things I haven't told you. ...and then he was gone. I suffered so bad... but then I got sick of it. I asked myself, Is one person really worth all this pain? I was pining over what I did to him, not watching what I was doing to myself by crying over the past. I couldn't take it anymore, so I started opening myself up to other people to see what they had to offer.

okay so enough about my life (it's stupid anyways) but what I'm saying from this is that, Yes, in taking risks your heart can be broken, but in taking more, your heart can be healed. you see what pain people are capable of when you break, but in the wake of the storm you start to see what healing others have the capability to show.

ok I'm blabbing, but think about it. DON'T box yourself up from this experience! keep on getting to know others, stay involved- but it's surprizing what you can learn when you sit back and WATCH.

love you SO MUCH! and remember I'm always here for you, no matter what or when or how. ALWAYS. *huggie*

wheatable said...

oh gosh spare me. I don't mean to be rude Jesse- I love you with all of my heart... but how old are you? Serioulsy? Seventeen? Gosh... you barely know the world. Hell- you are still in high school. GIVE IT A FUCKING BREAK.

Yeah we all lose freinds. Yeah it hurts. Yeah it happens. Yeah there is regret, yeah yeah yeah... yeah yeah yeah I've heard it all before. I've said it all before but PUT IT INTO PERSPECTIVE GIRL. I mean... I am only a year ahead of you and I already know that high school life was a joke. It's all freakin memories already and it was only one year ago I was sitting in your shoes.

Okay yeah I know it hurts to lose a friend when you just were looking for a better way to smile but seriously... you did grow. You HAVE grown. You may not feel like it, but you are one step ahead of the rest of the game because you've already experienced loss. EVERYONE will have to go through it. Thank heaven that you are going through it right now instead of a year from now when you're broke and starving and so lonely you could die....

anyways... enough about me...

I know how you feel but just get a litte perspective babe. And if it wasnt this it would have been something else. As much as we like to deny it, we all love drama. I will roughly quote my favorite author, "Nobody wants their problems fixed. Their dramas. Their pain healed. No one wants nothing to complain about. No worries. No stress- because then what would we have if that was all taken away? The big scary unknown."

Jesse, I know you are smarter than to let this consume you completely. So listen to Dane Cook and jus GET YOUR FUCKING CDS OUT OF HIS TRUCK AND GET OUT OF THERE ALREADY. HE'S A DICKFACE... SERIOUSLY!!!!

Move on. Grow up. Love you babe.

thesexyswede said...

aaahhh! I'm such a BABY!

I was thinking about deleting this blog completely because now when I read it I go, "UGH GOD! what the fuck????" but I think I need that.

I'm going to be cheerful damnit.
I'm going to grow up damnit!
I'm going to get my fucking CDS out of his truck damnit!

I appreciate your bluntness Hoffo.

wheatable said...

I am the Hoffo.

And I love the Swede.

Sven said...

Trust me my dear viking lady :)

You will be happy, and you'll one day be soo happy that none of the pain will even be more than a vague memory. You will find love, true love and someone who will not break your heart, or use you.

Pain and love are the two greatest teachers. They can usually tag team you also! Fear not! Your a brave, smart and beautiful young lady! You will survive and be much better for it.

The losses we all suffer at this point in our lives will mean nothing, NOTHING, when we find our true happiness.

Learn from your mistakes, try not to repeat them. Remember that you can only play teh cards your dealt, and sometimes you win, lose, and have to fold. :) Knowing the difference is where wisdom comes in.

Hang in there! (f)