Sunday, September 18, 2005

?????...

Theatre is my passion. It's what I live for, and what I come to school for...or so I thought. It's what I planned to do after I graduated. I was going to go to Southern Utah University, and master in Theatre. I was going to become a High School Drama Teacher...at least, that's what I was going to do. Until I woke up one morning and asked myself what the point of pretending to be someone else was exactly? Did I do it because I like to entertain? Did I do it because I thought it was fun? Or was it because I didn't like who I was, and I wanted to be someone else? And the answer made me sick. I'm a pathalogical liar, to myself and others all because I can't deal with the real world.

So if that's not what I want to do, then what is? It's terrifying to not have the answers.

My life is changing. Drastically. Things that I thought were important, now seem moot. Things that I didn't really care about, things I didn't think would be important in my life are now suddenly major determining factors in my life. I had my life planned out, I knew what I was going to do and how I would do it. Now, my scrupulous planning, it seems, was all for naught. It's scary. I feel out of control; my foot is stuck on the accelerator of the Car o' Life, I'm careening, swerving in and out having to dodge traffic, and all I can do is hold on to the wheel and pray to God that I survive.

6 comments:

Preseela x) said...

Jessy...I don't even have words to desribe how much I appreciate that. Not only because of how insanely profound it was, but of how honest. To be completely honest myself, I never thought I would hear Jessamyn Svensson say that she was unsure of her future in Drama. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I'm really unsure of what that would be. I love you Jessy. If there is anything I can do to help you, just tell me I'm here to help you as a friend. To listen, to advise, anything I can do to help you.

wheatable said...

good luck.

Zachary D Harrison said...

Hello Jessy. You don't know me but I'm a friend of Priscilla's. I have recently had the same thoughts. I even had the same dreams to become a drama teacher somewhere. There has just been a lot dragging me down lately. All that I can say is let yourself be who you want to be. Don't let others change your decision. Always shoot for the stars so that you can at least hit the moon.
I hope to continue to read this blog,
~Zack Harrison~

that lisa girl said...

I love you, no matter what. you are hott no matter what.

Gustavo Muñoz said...

Just getting around in the blogsphere I got reading your blog. I am 32, married (with a lovely 2.5 years old daughter), mexican, living in Mexico City, and I seriously think, that you are a teenager that likes to think and is very interested in self-knowing. These thoughts are the right ones at your age. You are asking yourself about you, your thoughts and feelings. In this exercise you will discover a lot of your real needs and dreams.
Really want to see my daughter thinking and questioning herself with the same shameless and sincerity you are doing right now.

thesexyswede said...

thank you Gustavo...by the way you have a really fun name to say. :D