Thursday, July 14, 2005

Fine, you were right...again...

I stand firmly by my statement of being the biggest coward I've ever met...

I recently got back from California for Summer Nationals for fencing and...it was so...surreal. I mean, it's like it never happened. I sit here at the computer blogging, just like I did before I left...it's kind of sad really, I just went back to my old life, nothing has changed, but did I except something to change? okay okay, yes ALOT changed, but I still feel so...detached from everything y'know?

It's like I'm watching my life rather than living it. Like it's a movie and I'm just a spectator with a bag of popcorn and a 46 ounce Coca Cola...but I don't WANT to feel this way, I want to FEEL like I'm living. I miss that feeling. I read other people's blogs and they are like, "go out and live life to the fullest." "Don't take anything for granted." "Live every minute like it was your last." "Always tell people that you love them." yadda yadda yadda...and I've tried, but I don't feel like I've succeeded because it seems no matter how hard I try I'm still floating. floating (and I'm not talking about the after effects of nyquil) from experience to experience and not learning anything because I can't FEEL anything...

At Nationals I got to feel again, and it was the most liberating experience of my life. To feel fear, joy, sadness, anger, love, frustration. To go from jubilant, and care free one minute, to being disapointed and flustered the next...it was beautiful...

I just wish (there's that word again) I could FEEL more often...

9 comments:

Sousa said...

Sounds to me like you think about it too much. But we all have those days... or at east I do. I used to wake up in the morning and I'd forget who I was for a second. Life goes nowhere, you don't advance, emotions and feeling are numb. Youre in a huge grey void and you'd give anything to feel that fire.

Life is an art, not a science. You can't be taught how to live, but you already know. Really there is nothing that I can say other than "don't worry about it."

Peace until later.

wheatable said...

Go jump off a cliff then try driving a car through a river. Then you might want to try starting the fire station on fire... or a good one is go sun baithing wearing all black and a ski mask and wait till you pass out. Oh, or you could initiate a car chase or laugh milk out your nose.

Thats what I do when I feel like I'm not living.

thesexyswede said...

HAHAHAHA ohmygosh....ooohhh man Sousa'a advice then your advice...so opposite from eachother lol.

Well Sousa thank you for the advice man, and hoff too.

clazy rachy said...

Or you could just make out with guy number 2.

Smiles0415 said...

Ha ha ha...Rachel you're so funny!! That took me so long to figure out, but now I totally get it...ha ha ha...oh wow...good laugh.

Smiles0415 said...

But, anyway, yeah, Jessy, I know how you feel. That stupid floating feeling...I think it's bordem. A lack of purpose. It's not that you're sad...you're just not happy either. I feel it too...often. It sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it. But don't give up. It will get better (especially when school starts and life gets structured again.) But... anyway... Let's fight these summer blues! Die, blues, die!!!!

that lisa girl said...

jehheheesssssyyy!! I want to give you a hug now. I luff you!

oh man, hoffo, I laughed out loud, and then I seriously thought of doing all of them. and I still think I might. :D :P hehehe

oh my goodness, rachel! you are SO cool!! yes. you are an asian hottie.

and speaking about the stupid summer boredom fighting- this is for everybody: this saturday the 23, my house, after dinner sometime, bring treats and anyone who knows me with you. (if you have objections against certain people coming, PLEASE tell me so I know and so there won't be conflicts) *clears throat* uhh, I mean, I LOVE EVERYBODY! whooo! we're going to watch a movie for kicks and because like nobody has seen it yet, plus it's a great movie!! hooray!

Soothie said...

OOOO Cali. trip for competition! I remember when i went to San Diego for a swim championship. You have serious stories you have to tell me... I LOVE going out of state for sports... it kicks and then sum... at least swimming does... I don't know if you're supposed to kick when you fence... but either way... you have to tell me stories

Brynifred said...

I have something to say. Random, I know. I dont think Ive ever commented on your blog but here goes nothing!

I think Sousa, Brittany and Rachel are right. (Im only giving them praise for their advice cause they are the only ones who gave any!)

Sousa: Yes. Everyone has felt that but I dont think anyone knows better what to do with that feeling than Sousa. (no offense man)

Brittany: Do eveyrthing she just said and then some. Do it all! With Lisa! That will get any rage you have at yourself for feeling this way, outta your system. Plus, you will be hanging out with Lisa at the same time! Who wouldnt love that?!?

Rachel: Last, but not least, make out with someone. Hey! It helps! What can I say?

Me: You cant try. Really. Its too hard. You cant just try to fix your problems the way people tell you to. Its figuring out the differences between you and your friends, figuring out what you personally have to do to fix this that makes the lesson all the better. You cant try. If you were trying the way I think you were, that will get you nowhere, like you said it has been. Trying, implies that you know. You cant know without having been told. You cant be told how YOU are supposed to deal with YOUR life.

Does that make sense? I hope so...