The most frustrating feeling for me in the whole world is when I'm unable to speak my mind. Not in any kind of 'too shy to voice my convictions' sort of way, rather I have so many thoughts running through my head that I want to get out, but I just can't find the words to do it. So they are just festering in my mind... building up. My verbal plumbing is all clogged up, my emotions are backing up, and I'm all out of Draino...
What's even more frustrating is, when I am finally able to spew them out, they makes no sense, it's all incoherant (as illiustrated by the poem-dealy I wrote in my last blog). But to me, it's very cathartic, and that's really all that matters right? Because, it came from my heart, and even if it makes no sense at all, being able to unload even a small portion of what's on my mind...that's wonderful. But I can't seem to be able to reach that feeling as easily as I used to. It's almost a chore, and that's frustrating as hell...
Nothing has ever made me more angry with myself then when I am reduced to nonsensical ramblings. Or even saying something that makes sense, but is just scathing and mean just for the simple fact that I can't think of anything else to say in that moment. For instance; when talking to a guy I think is hot or cute or whatever and throughout the whole conversation my normally witty self has been magically turned into a bumbling idiot. then, three hours later I slap myself on the head and think, "mother eff! I should have said 'this-this-and-this.' grrr.."
OR...when I'm really flustered all I can think of to say is, "shut up you faggot."
I have noticed though that these moments usually ony happen when I let my emotions control what I say, when I lose my 'cool'.....maybe that's why when I confronted a....friend....about being...well, an ass, the only words I could think of were, "Why the hell are you being such a faggot?"
Smooth one Svensson, real smooth.
Is that what having emotional maturity is? Being able to verbalise, civily mind you, your emotions without lashing out? If so...That's one department I need to work on.