Sunday, March 19, 2006

Tumbling Short of My Dreams...

"As I went over to say goodbye I saw that the expression of bewilderment had come back into Gatsby's face, as though a faint doubt had occurred to him as to the quality of his present happiness. Almost five years! There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams--not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything.He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."

I've tumbled short of my dreams...many many times over. And it sucks. Because now I find myself getting hurt, and now I'm asking myself if I did it on purpose. Did I really, actually and truly expect things to be any different? Or did I just want to feel that pain of being abandoned? The truth of the answer hurts more than I thought it would...

I knew that pushing people away wasn't a smart thing to do and that I would only make enemies, and I still did it.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that I was probably going to get hurt, and I still did it.

I knew that I shouldn't have shared my secret with everyone, and I still did it.

I knew I shouldn't have given you a second chance, or a third, but no matter how many times I convince myself you aren't worth find some way to break through my barrier. I don't trust myself around you anymore because the more I'm around you the more I care...

I know that I shouldn't post this blog...but I'm doing it anyway.

What makes me sick is I wanted for it to happen...I put up these walls just to see if someone would care enough to break them down...I decided to not trust people to see if people would try and earn my trust. I never needed these precautions. I really didn't. But now I'm stuck in this pattern because It's the only thing I know how to do. I only know how to be a hypocrite. I only know how to manipulate... I make myself sick.

I've lied to everyone I know, just to sabatoge my own happiness... I've become someone and something I am not just to get a more heart felt response from those around me. I didn't mean for everything to get so out of hand, but it happened. I've "decked it out with every bright feather that drifted my way." I lied to the people I should care about the most, I've convinced everyone that I'm somebody else, and I've convinced myself that I'm something that I'm not.

In all honesty I'm not worth wasting time on.


Hokhmah Firewalker said...
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Kates said...

Jessy, I love you. :) So there.

Sven said...

We share the same nickname, and also parts of the same mind my dear. Fear not. :)