Tuesday, February 20, 2007

"I Was Once A Wise Fool..."

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Theatre is my passion. It's what I live for, and what I come to school for...or so I thought. It's what I planned to do after I graduated. I was going to go to Southern Utah University, and master in Theatre. I was going to become a High School Drama Teacher...at least, that's what I was going to do. Until I woke up one morning and asked myself what the point of pretending to be someone else was exactly? Did I do it because I like to entertain? Did I do it because I thought it was fun? Or was it because I didn't like who I was, and I wanted to be someone else? And the answer made me sick. I'm a pathalogical liar, to myself and others all because I can't deal with the real world.

So if that's not what I want to do, then what is? It's terrifying to not have the answers.

My life is changing. Drastically. Things that I thought were important, now seem moot. Things that I didn't really care about, things I didn't think would be important in my life are now suddenly major determining factors in my life. I had my life planned out, I knew what I was going to do and how I would do it. Now, my scrupulous planning, it seems, was all for naught. It's scary. I feel out of control; my foot is stuck on the accelerator of the Car o' Life, I'm careening, swerving in and out having to dodge traffic, and all I can do is hold on to the wheel and pray to God that I survive.


I should listen to myself.

I'm about to make a decision here.

It feels right.

..but I'm still scared.

2 comments:

Sousa said...

Take it from someone who has been there, it really doesn't matter.

High school is just as pointless as it seems. As long as you get that little slip of paper that says you're done, that's all that matters.

You're young, and a year is a lot longer than it may seem. You have time to figure shit out. Don't fret.

Danelle said...

I agree with Sousa. I love you Jessy.