Sunday, September 18, 2005
Theatre is my passion. It's what I live for, and what I come to school for...or so I thought. It's what I planned to do after I graduated. I was going to go to Southern Utah University, and master in Theatre. I was going to become a High School Drama Teacher...at least, that's what I was going to do. Until I woke up one morning and asked myself what the point of pretending to be someone else was exactly? Did I do it because I like to entertain? Did I do it because I thought it was fun? Or was it because I didn't like who I was, and I wanted to be someone else? And the answer made me sick. I'm a pathalogical liar, to myself and others all because I can't deal with the real world.
So if that's not what I want to do, then what is? It's terrifying to not have the answers.
My life is changing. Drastically. Things that I thought were important, now seem moot. Things that I didn't really care about, things I didn't think would be important in my life are now suddenly major determining factors in my life. I had my life planned out, I knew what I was going to do and how I would do it. Now, my scrupulous planning, it seems, was all for naught. It's scary. I feel out of control; my foot is stuck on the accelerator of the Car o' Life, I'm careening, swerving in and out having to dodge traffic, and all I can do is hold on to the wheel and pray to God that I survive.
I should listen to myself.
I'm about to make a decision here.
It feels right.
..but I'm still scared.