I'm going to California for Fencing Nationals in....like 5 hours. Which means that I might not be able to get a computer to blog, so this is pretty much going to be it for like...a week or two...I'd like to say a few things to people before I go:
Lisa/Priscilla- thanks for the gaff tape (I probably spelled that wrong but, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn...) it will come in handy :D
Tasha- You are the coolest Asian, thanks for the adventures
Sousa- You inspire those around you more than you know...and I want my whale...faggot...;) and if you are good, I might let you stab Merkley.
Emily- I luff you! next time ben calls, just hang up ;)
Chase- We need to play more.
Shmoo- I'll see you when I get to cali man! and it'll rawk! wooohooo
Mollie- If I die, you can have my penguin.
Jenesse- I'm really p.o.ed that we haven't played all this summer, and we need to!! grrr....
I'm done now...so if I missed anyone...I don't really care because I'm sleepy and I still have to pack so screw you. But Seriously...I love you guys and I'll miss you while I'm gone.
WISH ME GOOD LUCK...I'm gonna need it. ohhhh yesss...If you gave me your cell phone numbers I will give you a call while I'm in California.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Moments That Make My Life Worth Living...
"Are you still fencing?"
"No."
"Have you been crying?"
"Yes."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better I've been crying too."
"That actually does make me feel better."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Keep it up Jessy you almost made up all our points in the past 2 minutes."
"What's our goal?"
"30 touches."
"Okay, I can do that."
*over a microphone* "Jessy's my hero!"
"You guys are dumb!"
* * * * * * * * * *
"Let's bring a blanket to the venue so we can sleep in between the events"
"But we only have one blanket."
"ohh...well you have your pillow, we can just share the blanket."
"OR...we can steal the hotel blanket..."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Are you going to be alright?"
"Yeah." --no--
"It's alright, he's just a wierd one to fence"
"No...I'm just stupid is all."
"No you're not. Don't beat yourself up, I'm proud of you. You were able to calm yourself down and get some good ones in, not alot of people are able to do that."
"But, it wasn't enough..."
"That's alright, what matters is that you figured it out and you learned from this, take what you learned and remember it for the next time you fence."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Why aren't you fencing Open Foil?"
"Because I just want to do one event today."
"Oh come on! there's no way we are letting you sit out on foil."
"Garrett, Brett...no, there is no way you you two are getting me to do foil today. I want to have time to sleep and just watch you guys fence, I did all the foil I wanted to yesterday."
"You're not still beating yourself up..."
"No."
"Okay then, you're doing foil."
"GUYS....................fine, you guys are--"
"Dumb, we know."
"No."
"Have you been crying?"
"Yes."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better I've been crying too."
"That actually does make me feel better."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Keep it up Jessy you almost made up all our points in the past 2 minutes."
"What's our goal?"
"30 touches."
"Okay, I can do that."
*over a microphone* "Jessy's my hero!"
"You guys are dumb!"
* * * * * * * * * *
"Let's bring a blanket to the venue so we can sleep in between the events"
"But we only have one blanket."
"ohh...well you have your pillow, we can just share the blanket."
"OR...we can steal the hotel blanket..."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Are you going to be alright?"
"Yeah." --no--
"It's alright, he's just a wierd one to fence"
"No...I'm just stupid is all."
"No you're not. Don't beat yourself up, I'm proud of you. You were able to calm yourself down and get some good ones in, not alot of people are able to do that."
"But, it wasn't enough..."
"That's alright, what matters is that you figured it out and you learned from this, take what you learned and remember it for the next time you fence."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Why aren't you fencing Open Foil?"
"Because I just want to do one event today."
"Oh come on! there's no way we are letting you sit out on foil."
"Garrett, Brett...no, there is no way you you two are getting me to do foil today. I want to have time to sleep and just watch you guys fence, I did all the foil I wanted to yesterday."
"You're not still beating yourself up..."
"No."
"Okay then, you're doing foil."
"GUYS....................fine, you guys are--"
"Dumb, we know."
Saturday, June 11, 2005
If Wishes Were Fishes the World Would be a Slimey Mess...
I wish I could take everything back...
I wish to be profound...
I wish I was a better Fencer...
I wish for my Daddy...
I wish I wasn't so selfish...
I wish I had the courage to stand up for EVERYTHING I believe in...
and I wish I could tell each one of you EXACTLY how much you mean to me.
At work today I realised how...fleeting... life really is. Oh, for all who don't know, I work with Children that have behavioral problems at Wasatch Mental Health. I work with 5 to 6 year olds I was playing tick tack toe on the play ground with one of the little boys...he won and looked up at me, with his big, innocent, blue eyes and realisation just jumped out and knocked all the air out of me...I was his age yesterday...
I know I'm only 16 and I still have my entire life ahead of me, but the years slipped by so fast and I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all. I feel like those 16 years have gone to waste. Have a lived my life to the fullest? Have I been a good person? Have I been of any signifgance to anyone? Is there even a point to my existance? Will I be remembered tomorrow? When I die? Or will I just become a distant memory lurking in the reccesses of your minds?
I don't want to become a faded memory...I want people to be able to find a picture of me in their yearbooks and think to themselves, "She was one of the best people I ever knew..." not, "oh she was funny," or, "yeah, she was cool." I hate it because I know that sounds selfish...
I wish I could just go on living without thinking about this...
I wish I knew what I truly believed in...
I wish I had the strength to forget my problems and carry your pains...
I wish...I wish...I wish...
Nothing will ever come out of wishing, but I don't have the courage to do anything but wish.
I wish to be profound...
I wish I was a better Fencer...
I wish for my Daddy...
I wish I wasn't so selfish...
I wish I had the courage to stand up for EVERYTHING I believe in...
and I wish I could tell each one of you EXACTLY how much you mean to me.
At work today I realised how...fleeting... life really is. Oh, for all who don't know, I work with Children that have behavioral problems at Wasatch Mental Health. I work with 5 to 6 year olds I was playing tick tack toe on the play ground with one of the little boys...he won and looked up at me, with his big, innocent, blue eyes and realisation just jumped out and knocked all the air out of me...I was his age yesterday...
I know I'm only 16 and I still have my entire life ahead of me, but the years slipped by so fast and I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all. I feel like those 16 years have gone to waste. Have a lived my life to the fullest? Have I been a good person? Have I been of any signifgance to anyone? Is there even a point to my existance? Will I be remembered tomorrow? When I die? Or will I just become a distant memory lurking in the reccesses of your minds?
I don't want to become a faded memory...I want people to be able to find a picture of me in their yearbooks and think to themselves, "She was one of the best people I ever knew..." not, "oh she was funny," or, "yeah, she was cool." I hate it because I know that sounds selfish...
I wish I could just go on living without thinking about this...
I wish I knew what I truly believed in...
I wish I had the strength to forget my problems and carry your pains...
I wish...I wish...I wish...
Nothing will ever come out of wishing, but I don't have the courage to do anything but wish.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Confusing Effing Sucks
Alright....how to describe how I'm feeling....hmmm....okay let's say you go to the mall or something and you see something that you really want in the window of your favorite store...or maybe not your favorite store but you still see something that you really want, and you say to yourself, "I really want that..infact someday that WILL be mine...oh yes, it WILL be mine..." So you save up alllll your money, you don't spend your paychecks for like two weeks then you run to the store with the money in your grubby little hand and you're JUST about to buy it...
Then you stop and think....is it really worth it?...was it worth aalll that waiting and aaaalll that effort...? Is this REALLY what I want?
Then you stop and think....is it really worth it?...was it worth aalll that waiting and aaaalll that effort...? Is this REALLY what I want?
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
I know that hate is a strong word but....
I was at Walmart this morning and I ran into my step mother...
I was shocked to realise how much I hate her. When I saw her, my emotiions went from surprise to loathing within almost a fraction of a second, and it really socked me, I hate her so much all of the pain she has caused my family, every single bad memory of her I've ever had sprang unbidden to my mind and the strongest feeling of hate, and rage...words really can't express the exact degree of detestation I felt well up inside of me when I saw this woman. I didn't know I was capable of having so much anger directed at one person, especially since it's been almost two years since I last saw her and...my little brother.
I know that I don't know a lot about my dad, I know that I will never understand why he did some of the things he did, like Marrying Sherie, because I wasn't old enough to have known him for long before he died, and the memories I do have of him are so vague...and only a select few are untarnished by time. But what I do know of him was that he was a good man, a good man that had problems. When my parents got a divorce it began amiably, they still had a salvagable friendship, but then he marrid Sherie and...being the manipulative witch she was...she was able to control my dad...she felt like my dad's love was a trophy that you had to win, it became a sick game she played with not only my mother, but with me and my brtohers and sisters, he couldn't love my mother in anyway anymore, not even as a friend, because he had to love her unconditionally and he couldn't love his children anymore because she was more important, it was never "You have to love Nathan more," no it was, "You have to love ME more"
Sherie has kept me and my family from seeing our only little brother for the longest time, the only times that we get to see him is when members of the Svensson family come to visit, and she wants to keep up a good front for them, like "Oh we have a good relationship even though I'm the reason Pam's kids no longer have a dad, I refuse to let my son have any kind of relationship with his only brothers and sisters, and oh, I forgot, I contributed to the reason why Sven commit suicide but I really don't give a flying fuck, because I'm a cold, selfish, BITCH!" She treats Nathan like he's a little boy, whenever she goes out he has to have a baby sitter, he has to be in bed by 9 o'clock, and he can't have friends over at all unless it's a special occasion...HE'S 13 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
Each time I see her I think, "You are the reason I have no Daddy, you are the cause of all this pain in my life and in the lives of those I love, you are the reason I will never know what it's like to have a whole family...You are the reason I have no Daddy...and, for that, I can never forgive you."
I was shocked to realise how much I hate her. When I saw her, my emotiions went from surprise to loathing within almost a fraction of a second, and it really socked me, I hate her so much all of the pain she has caused my family, every single bad memory of her I've ever had sprang unbidden to my mind and the strongest feeling of hate, and rage...words really can't express the exact degree of detestation I felt well up inside of me when I saw this woman. I didn't know I was capable of having so much anger directed at one person, especially since it's been almost two years since I last saw her and...my little brother.
I know that I don't know a lot about my dad, I know that I will never understand why he did some of the things he did, like Marrying Sherie, because I wasn't old enough to have known him for long before he died, and the memories I do have of him are so vague...and only a select few are untarnished by time. But what I do know of him was that he was a good man, a good man that had problems. When my parents got a divorce it began amiably, they still had a salvagable friendship, but then he marrid Sherie and...being the manipulative witch she was...she was able to control my dad...she felt like my dad's love was a trophy that you had to win, it became a sick game she played with not only my mother, but with me and my brtohers and sisters, he couldn't love my mother in anyway anymore, not even as a friend, because he had to love her unconditionally and he couldn't love his children anymore because she was more important, it was never "You have to love Nathan more," no it was, "You have to love ME more"
Sherie has kept me and my family from seeing our only little brother for the longest time, the only times that we get to see him is when members of the Svensson family come to visit, and she wants to keep up a good front for them, like "Oh we have a good relationship even though I'm the reason Pam's kids no longer have a dad, I refuse to let my son have any kind of relationship with his only brothers and sisters, and oh, I forgot, I contributed to the reason why Sven commit suicide but I really don't give a flying fuck, because I'm a cold, selfish, BITCH!" She treats Nathan like he's a little boy, whenever she goes out he has to have a baby sitter, he has to be in bed by 9 o'clock, and he can't have friends over at all unless it's a special occasion...HE'S 13 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
Each time I see her I think, "You are the reason I have no Daddy, you are the cause of all this pain in my life and in the lives of those I love, you are the reason I will never know what it's like to have a whole family...You are the reason I have no Daddy...and, for that, I can never forgive you."
Monday, May 30, 2005
you know this is entirely appropriate...
yeeeahhh I'm cat woman....and...I played a cat....lord I hope Sousa doesn't see this.
I am 46% Evil Genius.
I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.
woohoo!
 |
You Are Catwoman
|
I am 46% Evil Genius.
I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius. I am 46% Evil Genius.
I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.
woohoo!
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
blahblahblahaaahh black sheep...
okay so my title has nothing to do with my actual blog....well the first part did, then it reminded me of bah bah black sheep...and that's when everything fell apart. okay so the noise...it was brought upon by my currently sticky situation...I shouldn't even be making a blog about this, because it's just going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I'm about to go insane if I don't write it down somewhere, and nobody ever reads my blog, so it'a all good....
okay, since basically anyone who is going to read this already knows who these guys are...I'm still going to give them names...guy1, and guy2.
okay so everyone who knows me well knows that I have had this thing on and off for guy1 for a while now, and I think that he's beginning to like me back, which is good because I've liked him for so long...now this is where guy2 gets involved, I like guy2...alot (but I like guy1 more) and well he's being more....blatant about his feelings toward me than guy1...what it comes down to is this; I won't try anything with guy2 if I know I have a chance with guy1, but I don't KNOW if I have a chance with guy1, I just THINK that I might, and I don't KNOW if guy1 is going to get his butt in gear and just DO something about his feelings toward me (if he has any)because he knows that I like him, or if he's going to just stick with droolng over what he can't get. In the mean time I don't want to lead guy2 into believing there might be a chance for something between us, but if guy1 doesn't do anything, he's going to lose his chance because I'm jsut going to give up on him and go for guy2.....!
wow...writing that down really helped...
okay, since basically anyone who is going to read this already knows who these guys are...I'm still going to give them names...guy1, and guy2.
okay so everyone who knows me well knows that I have had this thing on and off for guy1 for a while now, and I think that he's beginning to like me back, which is good because I've liked him for so long...now this is where guy2 gets involved, I like guy2...alot (but I like guy1 more) and well he's being more....blatant about his feelings toward me than guy1...what it comes down to is this; I won't try anything with guy2 if I know I have a chance with guy1, but I don't KNOW if I have a chance with guy1, I just THINK that I might, and I don't KNOW if guy1 is going to get his butt in gear and just DO something about his feelings toward me (if he has any)because he knows that I like him, or if he's going to just stick with droolng over what he can't get. In the mean time I don't want to lead guy2 into believing there might be a chance for something between us, but if guy1 doesn't do anything, he's going to lose his chance because I'm jsut going to give up on him and go for guy2.....!
wow...writing that down really helped...
Monday, April 04, 2005
Okay so I was checking my email today aaaaannnddd...
One of my friends sent me this lame ass forward that just ticked me off. I read it and was like, "oh fu bi! whoever sent this is a whoe bag! go da!"
"You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say "IN GOD WE TRUST," The law, they say, is being violated. Anyway, I heard proposed on a radio station show, that we
all write "IN GOD WE TRUST" on the back of all our mail. After all, that is our national motto, and it's on all the money we use to buy those stamps. I think it is a wonderful idea. We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed. If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping "IN GOD WE TRUST" on our envelopes sounds like a great idea to me. It has been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance. Could it be that WE just need to take some action and tell those 14% to "sit down and shut up"? If you agree, pass this on, if not delete."
....AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! what the HELL!?!? Why can't people just get in into their think heads that just because a few petty people who feel the need to raise all hell over a few words in our Pledge of Allegiance and our money, doesn't mean that the rest of us have to be petty in return! I mean so what! some Atheists are crapping some cows over the word "God" appearing in a federal office! who cares!? I sure as hell don't, and if I did I wouldn't be spreading this kind of email around!
And to all you people who send this kind of stuff I only have one thing to say to you...By sending these emails our you are failing to rouse national patriotism. It only causes rifts to get wider and split between groups of people (ie. religous and non-religious people) so please stop sending them...cause you're only going to piss me off more.
"You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say "IN GOD WE TRUST," The law, they say, is being violated. Anyway, I heard proposed on a radio station show, that we
all write "IN GOD WE TRUST" on the back of all our mail. After all, that is our national motto, and it's on all the money we use to buy those stamps. I think it is a wonderful idea. We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed. If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping "IN GOD WE TRUST" on our envelopes sounds like a great idea to me. It has been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance. Could it be that WE just need to take some action and tell those 14% to "sit down and shut up"? If you agree, pass this on, if not delete."
....AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! what the HELL!?!? Why can't people just get in into their think heads that just because a few petty people who feel the need to raise all hell over a few words in our Pledge of Allegiance and our money, doesn't mean that the rest of us have to be petty in return! I mean so what! some Atheists are crapping some cows over the word "God" appearing in a federal office! who cares!? I sure as hell don't, and if I did I wouldn't be spreading this kind of email around!
And to all you people who send this kind of stuff I only have one thing to say to you...By sending these emails our you are failing to rouse national patriotism. It only causes rifts to get wider and split between groups of people (ie. religous and non-religious people) so please stop sending them...cause you're only going to piss me off more.
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