Complete...Something-or-Other...

So everyone knows that I am retarded when it comes to identifying my own emotions, but I realised something last night...(oh by the way sorry for ditching you guys again lol)

This feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach since Nationals...I thought was nervousness because, chh that would make sense, but then...it didn't make sense because it felt so different from the times I KNEW that I was nervous...this feeling was more like a soaring sensation...

So I was hanging out with some of my fencing friends last night and one of them said something really funny and I just laughed, a genuine, uninhibited, hearty laugh...it was awesome! and I realised that the feeling I've had was happiness, complete contentment, joy...

Life Is Good :D

Fine, you were right...again...

I stand firmly by my statement of being the biggest coward I've ever met...

I recently got back from California for Summer Nationals for fencing and...it was so...surreal. I mean, it's like it never happened. I sit here at the computer blogging, just like I did before I left...it's kind of sad really, I just went back to my old life, nothing has changed, but did I except something to change? okay okay, yes ALOT changed, but I still feel so...detached from everything y'know?

It's like I'm watching my life rather than living it. Like it's a movie and I'm just a spectator with a bag of popcorn and a 46 ounce Coca Cola...but I don't WANT to feel this way, I want to FEEL like I'm living. I miss that feeling. I read other people's blogs and they are like, "go out and live life to the fullest." "Don't take anything for granted." "Live every minute like it was your last." "Always tell people that you love them." yadda yadda yadda...and I've tried, but I don't feel like I've succeeded because it seems no matter how hard I try I'm still floating. floating (and I'm not talking about the after effects of nyquil) from experience to experience and not learning anything because I can't FEEL anything...

At Nationals I got to feel again, and it was the most liberating experience of my life. To feel fear, joy, sadness, anger, love, frustration. To go from jubilant, and care free one minute, to being disapointed and flustered the next...it was beautiful...

I just wish (there's that word again) I could FEEL more often...

And we have a winner...

Looooong story short...after much deliberation guy2 has emerged the victor...:D

...I'm REALLY gonna need it...

I'm going to California for Fencing Nationals in....like 5 hours. Which means that I might not be able to get a computer to blog, so this is pretty much going to be it for like...a week or two...I'd like to say a few things to people before I go:

Lisa/Priscilla- thanks for the gaff tape (I probably spelled that wrong but, frankly my dears, I don't give a damn...) it will come in handy :D

Tasha- You are the coolest Asian, thanks for the adventures

Sousa- You inspire those around you more than you know...and I want my whale...faggot...;) and if you are good, I might let you stab Merkley.

Emily- I luff you! next time ben calls, just hang up ;)

Chase- We need to play more.

Shmoo- I'll see you when I get to cali man! and it'll rawk! wooohooo

Mollie- If I die, you can have my penguin.

Jenesse- I'm really p.o.ed that we haven't played all this summer, and we need to!! grrr....

I'm done now...so if I missed anyone...I don't really care because I'm sleepy and I still have to pack so screw you. But Seriously...I love you guys and I'll miss you while I'm gone.

WISH ME GOOD LUCK...I'm gonna need it. ohhhh yesss...If you gave me your cell phone numbers I will give you a call while I'm in California.

Moments That Make My Life Worth Living...

"Are you still fencing?"

"No."

"Have you been crying?"

"Yes."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better I've been crying too."

"That actually does make me feel better."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Keep it up Jessy you almost made up all our points in the past 2 minutes."

"What's our goal?"

"30 touches."

"Okay, I can do that."

*over a microphone* "Jessy's my hero!"

"You guys are dumb!"

* * * * * * * * * *

"Let's bring a blanket to the venue so we can sleep in between the events"

"But we only have one blanket."

"ohh...well you have your pillow, we can just share the blanket."

"OR...we can steal the hotel blanket..."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah." --no--

"It's alright, he's just a wierd one to fence"

"No...I'm just stupid is all."

"No you're not. Don't beat yourself up, I'm proud of you. You were able to calm yourself down and get some good ones in, not alot of people are able to do that."

"But, it wasn't enough..."

"That's alright, what matters is that you figured it out and you learned from this, take what you learned and remember it for the next time you fence."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Why aren't you fencing Open Foil?"

"Because I just want to do one event today."

"Oh come on! there's no way we are letting you sit out on foil."

"Garrett, Brett...no, there is no way you you two are getting me to do foil today. I want to have time to sleep and just watch you guys fence, I did all the foil I wanted to yesterday."

"You're not still beating yourself up..."

"No."

"Okay then, you're doing foil."

"GUYS....................fine, you guys are--"

"Dumb, we know."

If Wishes Were Fishes the World Would be a Slimey Mess...

I wish I could take everything back...
I wish to be profound...
I wish I was a better Fencer...
I wish for my Daddy...
I wish I wasn't so selfish...
I wish I had the courage to stand up for EVERYTHING I believe in...
and I wish I could tell each one of you EXACTLY how much you mean to me.

At work today I realised how...fleeting... life really is. Oh, for all who don't know, I work with Children that have behavioral problems at Wasatch Mental Health. I work with 5 to 6 year olds I was playing tick tack toe on the play ground with one of the little boys...he won and looked up at me, with his big, innocent, blue eyes and realisation just jumped out and knocked all the air out of me...I was his age yesterday...

I know I'm only 16 and I still have my entire life ahead of me, but the years slipped by so fast and I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all. I feel like those 16 years have gone to waste. Have a lived my life to the fullest? Have I been a good person? Have I been of any signifgance to anyone? Is there even a point to my existance? Will I be remembered tomorrow? When I die? Or will I just become a distant memory lurking in the reccesses of your minds?

I don't want to become a faded memory...I want people to be able to find a picture of me in their yearbooks and think to themselves, "She was one of the best people I ever knew..." not, "oh she was funny," or, "yeah, she was cool." I hate it because I know that sounds selfish...

I wish I could just go on living without thinking about this...
I wish I knew what I truly believed in...
I wish I had the strength to forget my problems and carry your pains...
I wish...I wish...I wish...

Nothing will ever come out of wishing, but I don't have the courage to do anything but wish.

Confusing Effing Sucks

Alright....how to describe how I'm feeling....hmmm....okay let's say you go to the mall or something and you see something that you really want in the window of your favorite store...or maybe not your favorite store but you still see something that you really want, and you say to yourself, "I really want that..infact someday that WILL be mine...oh yes, it WILL be mine..." So you save up alllll your money, you don't spend your paychecks for like two weeks then you run to the store with the money in your grubby little hand and you're JUST about to buy it...

Then you stop and think....is it really worth it?...was it worth aalll that waiting and aaaalll that effort...? Is this REALLY what I want?

I know that hate is a strong word but....

I was at Walmart this morning and I ran into my step mother...

I was shocked to realise how much I hate her. When I saw her, my emotiions went from surprise to loathing within almost a fraction of a second, and it really socked me, I hate her so much all of the pain she has caused my family, every single bad memory of her I've ever had sprang unbidden to my mind and the strongest feeling of hate, and rage...words really can't express the exact degree of detestation I felt well up inside of me when I saw this woman. I didn't know I was capable of having so much anger directed at one person, especially since it's been almost two years since I last saw her and...my little brother.

I know that I don't know a lot about my dad, I know that I will never understand why he did some of the things he did, like Marrying Sherie, because I wasn't old enough to have known him for long before he died, and the memories I do have of him are so vague...and only a select few are untarnished by time. But what I do know of him was that he was a good man, a good man that had problems. When my parents got a divorce it began amiably, they still had a salvagable friendship, but then he marrid Sherie and...being the manipulative witch she was...she was able to control my dad...she felt like my dad's love was a trophy that you had to win, it became a sick game she played with not only my mother, but with me and my brtohers and sisters, he couldn't love my mother in anyway anymore, not even as a friend, because he had to love her unconditionally and he couldn't love his children anymore because she was more important, it was never "You have to love Nathan more," no it was, "You have to love ME more"

Sherie has kept me and my family from seeing our only little brother for the longest time, the only times that we get to see him is when members of the Svensson family come to visit, and she wants to keep up a good front for them, like "Oh we have a good relationship even though I'm the reason Pam's kids no longer have a dad, I refuse to let my son have any kind of relationship with his only brothers and sisters, and oh, I forgot, I contributed to the reason why Sven commit suicide but I really don't give a flying fuck, because I'm a cold, selfish, BITCH!" She treats Nathan like he's a little boy, whenever she goes out he has to have a baby sitter, he has to be in bed by 9 o'clock, and he can't have friends over at all unless it's a special occasion...HE'S 13 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Each time I see her I think, "You are the reason I have no Daddy, you are the cause of all this pain in my life and in the lives of those I love, you are the reason I will never know what it's like to have a whole family...You are the reason I have no Daddy...and, for that, I can never forgive you."